Pretty much the title of the post. I started watching porn at a very young age (12 I think) and stuck with it for 13 years. Without retelling my entire life story, porn is the only sexual outlet I have.
I wanted to quit for a while now due to ethical (I don’t think I have to elaborate how fucked up the porn industry is to anyone here) and psychological reasons but so far it always ends in me quitting for a few days and then returning.
I want to stop, I can’t call myself a communist while engaging with something that is so vile and opposed to communist principles but I don’t know how to change my habits in a way that allows me to permanently quit and satisfy my urges in a different way.
Be careful not to get sucked into the right-wing “no fap” spaces and narratives
Yeah that’s why I asked for advice here and not on R*ddit. A thread like this would be swamped by no fap lunatics and Liberals screaming how porn and prostitution is actually empowering for women.
The “no fap/no nut november” thing never really made sense to me. Masturbation, male, female, or otherwise, isn’t actually the problem. There are no real health risks as long as you don’t do it way too much, and even evidence that it can be beneficial to sexual health if done in moderation. The psychological and ethical harms associated with the activity come from pornography and the greater capitalist industry that has cropped up around it, not the act itself. There are healthy ways to pleasure yourself that don’t involve the exploitative and mentally detrimental aspects that porn brings. I guess it’s not as simple as “just don’t watch porn when you do it” especially if you’re already addicted, but it’s definitely possible for everyone if you work on it, with possible therapy/psychiatric help for severe cases.
I think the problem more than anything is the porn itself rather than the sexual urges and feelings that we all feel(nearly all, some asexuals to varying degrees don’t feel the need to relieve themselves in that way) sorry if it sounds like TMI, but I don’t think masturbation is explicitly a bad thing to do. If you can find any other outlets that are more ethical I’d see that as a major improvement. It sounds nerdy but like erotic books and stuff like that don’t rely on exploited labor of porn actors that are coerced into making movies. I’m not personally interested in drawings or stuff of that sort but there’s no denying that it causes less of an impact on people’s mental health and self esteem. And tbh you can draw whatever you like by yourself. Idk sorry if this comment was weird I don’t talk about this subject much but I wish you good luck on your journey towards self-improvement!!❤️
Well the big part of why porn addiction is so common is because they are so easily accessible to anyone, like a kid can get any device with internet access and boom, they are 99% there. It really is a societal problem but if you are personally trying to quit then you need to create deterrences, no matter how minor. Stuffs like turning on the safe search can give you enough time to wrestle control back from your reptilian brain and rethink your decisions. Obviously, if this addiction is serious enough where no amount of deterrences helps then it might be time to seek professional help.
I am seeing a therapist already but for something different. I never really thought about my problems being connected with each other but after going through replies and thinking about it they might be related. I will bring it up during my next session.
Find a person to share your passion with. I know this is the obvious and direct solution, and that’s my point and aim. Porn is a stand in for romance, your real problem is you have no romance in your life. Start with figuring out where to meet people you have similarities with. Next, learn how to socialize and flirt. Lastly, find someone who sparks your interest, start a conversation, become friends, and slowly begin flirting with them. I’m sure we’re all aware how alienated we all are, so yes I say learn these things. Go slow and be patient, this is similar to starting an old car thats sat for years for both parties. Many people do not date the way our parents did so it’s likely the people you talk to will be experiencing this for the first time too. This is advice intended for an American, if your conditions are different then try to modify the process but the goal should be the same - find someone to share your passions with. Spread love :)
You hit the nail on the head. I am from Germany. So your advice still applies I think. I know that I reach out to porn most of the time because I feel lonely and unwanted but meeting new people is very hard for me. I am still trying though but progress is slow.
For example: I play Warhammer, well I build and paint the models but I haven’t played a single game since I moved. Why? Because I just can’t bring myself to go to my local Warhammer Store and ask strangers if they want to play. I just feel overwhelmed and get panic attacks if I try to do so. This led to me visiting the store, akwardly skluking around for a few minutes and then buying new minis before I leave to not seem as awkward.
I also tried to join a political organisation and while I felt comfortable enough around my comrades to actually go to a party with them without freaking out there is no local group of this organisation in my town yet, so I have been tasked with trying to build one up (with the support from comrades from other groups but we see each other rarely). And so far it has been rough. I don’t even know if I can stay in my current town or if I have to move again when I start with my masters degree. So all of this is up in the air.
So far the only succes I had when it comes to meeting new people was visiting a weekly boardgame evening. In the beginning I couldn’t bring myself to go there without one of my friends by my side but since I started to get to know the people I feel a lot better and can go there alone too. I feel very comfortable and confident in this setting to the point were I make the people around me often laugh and they are happy to see me. But I don’t think I will find a partner there. Most people are guys and while there are a few girls, they are all in relationships. I am still grateful for finding this place. Making new friends is always valuable and I am glad that I found a place where I am able to do so. While I am more sociable than I used to be I still feel like I am way off finding someone.
Yes I agree, the possibilities of finding a partner in a boardgame setting are limited. You grazed over school, is that a possible avenue for finding a partner? Perhaps a study group? Are there any other similarities between you and anyone else who you play games with? If so you could consider asking to join them in that mutual interest. If they are involved in another circle of friends, one for that interest, that could be an opportunity for you to meet new people. And so on and so forth with time. What are your thoughts? Do you think these options are beneficial?
You grazed over school, is that a possible avenue for finding a partner? Perhaps a study group?
Maybe once I continue with my masters degree. Currently there isn’t anything to study for since I am writing my bachelor thesis. Study groups are a possibility but I wouldn’t count on it. I noticed that most people who study the same field as I do have very different interests. I am a giant fucking nerd studying a field that has very few nerds in it. But I will keep an eye out once I get back to actually studying.
Are there any other similarities between you and anyone else who you play games with?
Kind of. There was someone who was intrested in joining the local group I am trying to build but so far there was nothing more than a general interest in it. Beyond that there hasn’t been much but to be fair I don’t know the boardgame group THAT well yet. So this might be an avenue worth exploring more.
Beyond that I forgot to mentoin that I also tried to give online dating a shot. But the reults were disapointing. Quoting myself here:
Online dating isn’t really working for me. I used multiple dating apps daily for a few months and ended with 1 match who replied more than once but stopped responding before we could talk about meeting. I don’t know if my profile is the problem or if I am too ugly for online dating but it certainly isn’t helping my psyche seeing so many beautiful people only to fail to attract anyone. I thought about hiring somebody to help me with my profile and picturers but so far I haven’t found anything that looks trustworthy and isn’t just a thinly veiled scam or some toxic pick up artist bs.
Online dating is very…inpersonal. Because of this it’s highly flawed. When two people meet IRL there are pre-existing social rules one must follow which helps facilitate normal relations, it helps people tune into each other and connect. Online this doesn’t exist. The online etiquette is of distrust, shock and awe, and 30 second attention spans. This is not an ideal environment for people to connect in. Perhaps the attention issue comes with the nature of the internet what with the data connections being so fast, but the distrust and shocking nature of the internet is entirely by design of the overall mentality of society right now. All the internet is really is our minds speaking to one another through text. Even the 1% are here, the bots I think perfectly represent them. Robotic, parasitic, anti-social. They prey upon human interactions, revolving around our behavior. Perhaps one day the internet will be a place of casual conversation between mutually benefiting humans and all of this nonsense will be a thing of the past. This is not the case today though. Regardless, love is more than simply communication. Yes we must communicate, but think of the animal kingdom for a second. There is sight understanding their nature, their behavior. There is smell, pheromones play an important role in all reproductive cycles. There are shared physical environments and experiences which build history and chemistry between 2 people. IMO, online dating is doomed to fail. I think only when we develop trust for our neighbors can online dating play a role, likely in GPS-linked apps like today except instead of sending d pics being the norm, inviting one to coffee is.
I can’t find it, but I swear there’s a ‘probably cancelled podcast’ episode with xiangyu that mentions the subject.
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Also, ask yourself why you have this habit to begin with— for me, it developed from being sexually repressed, frustrated, and lonely.
Same. So far I have been incapable of finding anything resembling romantic involvement. Main reason for this is some heavy trauma from my highschool years and while I am in therapy because of this it will still be a while before I am healthy or capable of finding someone.
Try going the opposite direction that most porn addictions develop. Usually it goes something like text or fully clothed models>nude models/softcore porn>hardcore porn>extremely niche fetishes. Well, cut out the rightmost items first, and move your way back.
Another important aspect of the addiction is constant novelty. Instead of browsing for new videos, try to limit yourself to the same ones.
But perhaps the most important thing is to replace the addition with something else. What draws you to porn? Unmet sexual desires? Stress? Boredom? See if there are any underlying problems and try to address them via other means, such as better communication with partner(s), picking up hobbies, or changing work habits.
And in my opinion, I don’t think there’s much wrong with consuming sexually stimulating content occasionally, as long as it doesn’t involve real people or become an addiction - so things like erotic fiction, drawings, etc. I like to play erotic visual novels with my partner, personally. But that’s a discussion for once you’ve determined if there are any underlying issues causing your addiction in the first place.
What draws you to porn? Unmet sexual desires?
Pretty much this. I had a very traumatic time during high school and while most boys my age had their first experiences with girls I didn’t. I was relentlessly bullied by the girls in my class and it took me years after I left this school to realise how much they fucked me up. I am 25 by now and it is still very hard for me to reach out to people that are not in my circle of friends. I struggle with stuff like going to parties and usually suffer panic attacks when I try to. I am slowly getting better but so far I never had a gf or any sexual experiences. Porn is the only way for me to even remotely grasp what sex could be like.
I went through a very similar experience. I had zero self confidence, shy, had a stutter, poor style, was a visible minority in a non-diverse area, nerdy interests, you name it. Convinced I was going to die alone. Felt like there was no point in asking anyone out because nobody showed interest. I started dressing better and updated my hairstyle, which helped my confidence. I was always pretty athletic, but this might be something you can work on. To this day I’m still pretty shy, so I turned to online dating. Casually dated about 5 people before meeting my current girlfriend of 5+ years. For me, the #1 game changer was actually asking people out (online in my case). I tried to follow the common internet advice of “just be confident brah” or “stop looking for a relationship and it will come,” but that was actually the opposite of what I needed to hear - I needed to actually start trying, however I could, even if I wasn’t confident enough to make moves in person.
Let me tell you though, having a partner will not cure your porn addiction (though it might help). Real sex is not nearly as glamorous as porn. It’s almost a different experience altogether.
Wow we really are similar. During school I didn’t care about my looks. As far as I was concerned the girls at school were horrible anyway and so the only thing I cared about was dreading going to school and running back home to play videogames.
I changed quite a lot since then, I do care a lot more about my appereance than I used to and I think it is at a point where it is detremental again. I always carry hairproduct, combs and brushes, fragarance and a manicure kit around in my backpack. I am also working out and while I can see the first changes to my body I think I am still at least two years off before I reach anything admirable. Beyond that I am ultra self concious to the point were I feel extremly uncomfortable if I notice that my hair isn’t perfect for example. I don’t feel attractive or pretty at all and more or less feel like I have to give it 110% to even pass as a human.
Online dating isn’t really working for me. I used multiple dating apps daily for a few months and ended with 1 match who replied more than once but stopped responding before we could talk about meeting. I don’t know if my profile is the problem or if I am too ugly for online dating but it certainly isn’t helping my psyche seeing so many beautiful people only to fail to attract anyone. I thought about hiring somebody to help me with my profile and picturers but so far I haven’t found anything that looks trustworthy and isn’t just a thinly veiled scam or some toxic pick up artist bs.
I also had very unruly hair that needed constant touchups haha. In the last year or so I switched to a lower maintenance style.
It helps to just get a friend or two to look over your profile. You don’t need to pay anybody. I also had a friend who did photography as a hobby to help take a few shots.
Fuck I feel this so much, although I also have the added difficulty of gender dysphoria
It uses the Allen Carr method, which is to break addictions by going through every excuse you tell yourself, and in the process, retraining your mind to see these things for what they really are: poison to your body (and in the case of porn, which is essentially filmed rape, harmful to the young people being filmed).
The problem is really only a lack of information and perspective: ppl lived without instant access to filmed rape for thousands of years, and you can too.
Since the objective is clear (stop watching porno) what do you see as stopping yourself from completing your goal? What brings you back to watching it?
What brings you back to watching it?
Loneliness.
To quote myself:
I had a very traumatic time during high school and while most boys my age had their first experiences with girls I didn’t. I was relentlessly bullied by the girls in my class and it took me years after I left this school to realise how much they fucked me up. I am 25 by now and it is still very hard for me to reach out to people that are not in my circle of friends. I struggle with stuff like going to parties and usually suffer panic attacks when I try to. I am slowly getting better but so far I never had a gf or any sexual experiences. Porn is the only way for me to even remotely grasp what sex could be like.
For me it’s stress and boredom. I know how to solve the boredom part, but due to being in a strict, controlling household, it’s quite hard as a seventeen year old. The stress part? Well, I just need to learn how to manage that better rather than looking to harmful temporary releases.
look into IFS. probably the easiest way to change your brain any way you want to
https://libgen.rs/book/index.php?md5=265F8391E74091261DAF7B7D3109BEB2
Wowza, just a brief look into it this seems like some pretty intensive stuff. Not OP but thanks for the rec, I’m gonna check it out.
Thank you. I scrolled through it during my break and that looks very useful. Again thank you!
I’d prefer to keep porn addiction, anime fandom, and other stuff from intersecting with spaces where people are going to discuss marxist theory, propaganda, & organizing. But fuck it, look, just use your imagination, I know that’s not a helpful description. You need to give your subconscious time to rejuvenate. Log off, look at stuff outside, work out, read books. I think screen time is something which will give you the urge to look it up.
I agree, this community is not the best for such a thing, but it shouldn’t necessarily be banned from all Lemmygrad
We’ve discussed these issues other comrades were having before w/ difficulty quitting porn, almost always because they feel guilty they continue to engage with it even after understanding its horrific reality. It is an issue that intersects pretty squarely with Marxian feminist dialogue; often giving rise to critical discussions of the porn industry and the way industry writ large commodifies and brainwashes us. I think it’s fine to talk about here, this is Freechat, and in comrade RedCat’s defense it is marked a NFSW discussion.
This is a vital discussion. I wrestle with this addiction myself. For me it’s just the novelty and a mashup of many of the things talked about in this chat. Alienation, insecurity, trauma etc. The problem though, is that once you’re addicted you find new reasons to engage in the behavior. Ultimately it never feels fulfilling though. Sometimes I think the internet is too much for most people to handle responsibly.
I believe that you are correct. AES states ban internet porn for a reason, and it’s not for the moralistic nonsense reasons people claim. It’s insidious, latching onto many of us at incredibly young ages and utterly destroying our prospects for developing healthy ideas about sex without undergoing years of therapeutic rewiring. I struggle with it, too, as masturbation becomes less and less about actually having fun and more and more a mechanical reaction to boredom and the addiction cycle.
I will go months without porn only to relapse because I can’t be asked to actually use my imagination. “Just this once I’ll cheat”, my mind tells me. It’s never just once. Porn addiction, if not internet porn wholesale, is a psychosocial sickness, and I agree that these discussions are important for a multitude of reasons.
