He/him. 24. Constantly on the brink of outright doxxing myself.

I fear no glowies. Come get me.

  • 106 Posts
Joined 1Y ago
Cake day: May 29, 2022


For sure for sure, got abt 10 hours left and I’d wager by the end of the night I’m never doing this again lol.

Thankfully the union has been keeping management on their toes and they’re doing their absolute best at accomodating whatever I need. Breaks, sit-downs, whatever. They know I’m doing them a favor and not the other way around, and I (very politely) will continue to let them know it. 😈

mfw I’m feelin str8 devious because I’m being allowed basic human rights on a 14 hr shift lmao

Ah, the funniest thing in my experience is how little “Maoists” actually uphold Mao. Much of the modern ideology is based on the works of Gonzalo (even the “non-Gonzaloist” Maoists), Sison, J. Moufawad-Paul, etc. In those circles I once frequented Mao is little more than a lionized historical figure who did communism correctly (and it was the last time it has ever or will ever be done correctly 🙄)

MLM was ‘synthesized’ by a group known as the Revolutionary Internationalist Movement as well as Amerikan groups like the revcoms / RCP. Those are the true progenitors of the ideology.

Only thing keepin me movin is flower tbh I’m working a 14 hr shift (my own damn fault, but I need money) and I plan to decompress pretty intensely later lol

9/10 times if western media is condemning Russia for something it winds up having been the Ukronazis / their masters. They’re not even forgetting history, they’re forgetting like two fucking weeks ago. Nord Stream? The missile in Poland? Just amazing.

hugbox lol I hope so that sounds awesome, I love and respect all of our comrades!

Are you strictly monogamous? Because maybe something else could happen if you were like “well, it’s okay if you like someone else also, I’m no jealous”, but yeah.

I have had nonmonogamy perhaps unintentionally weaponized against me. When we opened up my last relationship, it was under the pretext that it would be just sex.

Well, they immediately caught feelings for another guy and approached me about a potential second boyfriend. Whoo. I capitulated.

Then sex work came around. I was not happy my partner was engaging in the sex trade, being r***d in my eyes (and ostensibly even in theirs) when we had other avenues to survive. I made myself very clear about my discomfort, at least I thought, but told my partner they were an adult individual.

I am open to the idea of nonmonogamy but I lean monogamous personally, and have an inherent romantic distrust of anyone who presents themselves as polyamorous etc. mainly because it’s been used against me before pretty intensely. I also just don’t have the energy to sustain multiple partners.

I was having the same issue but managed to comment thankfully, if you’re talkin about comrade bleepingblorp’s post.

Incredible advice and perspective comrade, thank you.

It will be a difficult process to reconcile my personally novel understanding of radical honesty with the potentialities of clinginess and neediness. What is the healthy alternative to clinginess or neediness?

Tryna come to a new understanding of where the line is or should be. I talk a lot, but I also know I usually listen well. Should I seek connection with people who do the same and love spam? Is it merely a personality trait to be a “hopeless romantic” and strongly desire attention from another, or do I have to radically change my perspective? How much of it is simple social desperation? How much of it is me, and how much of it is an unhealthy desire for attention?

These questions are rhetorical and not! I invite critique and personal reflections.

For context on the spam, it was mostly just what I thought of as generally positive affirmations. Don’t stress, hope ur day is going well, etc. Otherwise updates about cool things I was doing for my birthday.

I am unsure if I could find myself interested in someone in a healthy way without receiving reciprocated intense curiosity. I love talking and connecting, maybe too much.

How do you fight that? How have you been working to undo years of conditioning which tries to exert its force on us every second of every day, internally and externally?

Very carefully. 🥴 My inner patriarch (aka my father’s reflection) is a narcissistic asshole who loves to be le epic breadwinner. I try to counter it of course, I don’t know. I have to remember that in every aspect of myself, there are imbalances to everything. For the negative, there is positive, for the light, there is shadow.

For instance, I am incredibly generous. I’m also incredibly broke. When I have money or things, I love to give it to people. I’m in the negative in my bank account rn and I gave a homeless lady 15 bucks a few days ago and I do not regret it. Those are the traits of the person who I aspire to be, who I fight to be. (Less broke would be nice tho)

On the flipside, I can also be quite cheap. I have expected similar expressions of generosity from others when I fell on hard times. I have refrained from giving gifts because I could not afford to buy something (I mean, I couldn’t if I wanted to eat, but still) where others have given me plenty. I have even weaponized money against people, albeit unintentionally.

The breadwinner mentality is a contradiction. It is generosity and selfishness. It is stability and financial control over others. It is respect and disrespect. Probably a good move to synthesize some new mentalities that trend towards the formers and away from the latters, and I believe that can be achieved via deep introspection and practice in the real world.

Journaling and meditation are both so based. It’s been difficult for me to accept them as genuinely helpful and not a waste of time, but my thoughts often race at a million miles an hour and both of these things help actualize them for me, help pardon the abstract for the real.

On journaling, if you have a lot to say and no one to say it to, say it to yourself. Actualize it. Out loud or on paper. It becomes tangible, imprinted on reality. There exists at least one person at all interested in reading it, too - its writer - we should see what he has to think about it after a night or two’s sleep.

I also like getting really high and watching Deep Space 9 to cope. There are so many representations of positive masculinity in this show to keep track of, and I want to emulate every one I see.

In my cashier position, I met a lovely customer. She spoke beyond the corpo facade and engaged me as a human being, and I felt smitten with longing. Not necessarily romantic, not at all sexual. Just longing. For connection. Any kind. Please. I am beginning to know and love myself, let me share. We continued talking, it was a pleasure to see one another when she shopped. I asked for and received contact details. I have been so in my head about achieving these ideas I'm so enamored with right now and growing as a person. Engaging women (and all others tbh) on equal ground as fully conscious, aware and sincere beings just as I am. Extrapolating my experience of possessing whole ass **sentience** onto others as an empathy exercise. I had decided that I will be radically open and honest to the people I seek to form connections with, and I have been. It has been so interesting seeing how I interact with other people, *so many other people* (due to my job) and just getting to know myself. So. Sososo. She's going to be out of town for a not insignificant amount of time. I like her a lot. We have a ton in common. She brought me wildflowers at work once. Of course, with how excited I am about le epic male feminist 💫 journey 💫 I'm on... Well, we talked a bit. It felt reciprocal for a little while, but she didn't respond for a few days and I got a little in my head about it. I spammed her a bit (I was so excited to share!) and then sent a message after some reflection that I was gonna cool it on the spam, but that I was still thinking about her. A few days go by without any exchange, I send her a text about how I miss my cats and I hope she's grateful for hers. She responds and we talk for a bit, then she mentions that she's interested in another guy but was afraid of hurting my feelings. **Okay.** I prepared for this. I know how to relate. I know that there are so many other interesting people who could make great partners for me. I know what it's like to be liked and to not like back. I genuinely want to be her friend if nothing else. I send back the honest truth that of course I was a little disappointed and a little sad, but those were human reactions that I would allow to pass through me without struggle. That she did not hurt me, she did not do anything but exist. I hurt me, but it's only a scratch. I asked to see her crush, she sent pics, I said he was cute (he is). Then I receive a message from her saying she's frustrated with me because I continued to pursue her romantically (or act flirtatiously etc.) when she indicated that she wasn't interested. I got a little defensive. Woah, okay. I know when no means no, and it's always. She had mentioned prior her uncertainty regarding her capacity to even feel romantic intimacy, I figured that may have been what she was indicating. I said "I can't read minds". I had added up all the indicators of her potential romantic interest in me in my head and subtracted indicators of disinterest and had concluded erroneously that I was still in the positive. I understood **now** that it was expressed to me that there was no interest. I still want to be friends, and the hurt has already passed, because of those helpful things I know. No, no. It was much worse. She screenshotted a prior conversation we had had and sent it wherein she said >I don't see you how you see me a text that I had misread a day prior as >I don't see how you see me a text that I had interpreted as >I don't see myself how you are seeing me right now (due to potential self-esteem issues) Based on conversations we had had, it'd be a fair interpretation... if I had read the original fucking text correctly the first time. >I don't **see you** how you **see me** Fuck. I am so sorry ohmygod I'm so fucking embarrased dude I literally u won't believe me b I fucking I misread omg FUCK. God damn it. I HAD PREPARED FOR THIS. I was ready to face rejection. I was not ready to face *this*, because I never wanted to be a part of anything like this! I do not continue to chase women after I become aware of their boundaries! I **do** take no for an answer, always! She told me I try to sell myself as a feminist while still partaking in the games of sexist men. I most certainly *did* continue to act flirtatiously (calling her pretty, spamming, etc) after receiving and misreading that message. Well. Part of the reason I wanted to connect with others was learning experiences. What did I learn? Read texts very, very carefully. Work on context clues and body language. Continue honing empathy and when somebody tells you something, listen rather than immediately jumping to defensiveness. I apologized profusely and probably just made a bigger ass out of myself. I did explain myself and she said she knew I was really a nice guy, just that she was frustrated. She indicated that we could still be friends, I hope she meant it. At least I know that I genuinely fucked up here without any conscious malice on my own part, and I am aware of the things I have to work on. I know and love myself, and I know I would not do such a thing consciously. I wanted radical honesty and instead I completely missed what my conversational partner was telling me. I am still quite lonely, although I am learning to appreciate myself as a roommate and friend. I am afraid to fuck up like this again. I hope this doesn't make me afraid to reach out to others. I guess if it does, I just have to work through the fear as I have been and bombard the patriarch inside me as I continue to. Thank you for reading, comrades. Do you have any experience with unrequited feelings and not "getting the hint" (perhaps even as you are told directly... like some of us). Or perhaps someone did not get the hint about your feelings? Have you ever unconsciously broken a boundary?

Haha it’s only a natural response! “Men’s Liberation”… from what? Usually feminism. 🙄 From patriarchy! Thank you for your kind words tho and I’m excited to see what lessons we can learn together 🙏

I’m hoping for a bit of both! I have the idea right now of picking out my favorite passages, quotes, pages etc. from the book and having scheduled discussion posts. I also want people to feel absolutely free to share their experiences with men or with being a man, with masculinity. I’m personally about to write a post about how I fucked up today! 😊 🫠

my friends I know it sounds so whatever speaking as the gender that more obviously benefits from patriarchy but bruh being a man is exhausting

I’ve also been finding this book extremely insightful, catching myself nodding many times going, “Wow… that is me… never met Bell and she sees right through me…”

I feel you 100%. It feels so strange to say that I needed this, I needed to witness my traumas and faults deconstructed and be led to alternatives, a healthier path to masculinity and self-love.

My inability to manage my own rage has ended up with me involuntarily hospitalized from acts of self harm a number of times, to the tune of about $15,000.00 USD per incident in medical costs. Patriarchy is fucking real comrades.

I have limited experience with hospitalization. Ten years ago when I was a young teen I was hospitalized in a juvenile center because I told my doctor that I wanted to redacted myself but lacked the energy. I was let go after a week and a day because my insurance stopped paying for care. I realize now that much of the reason I wanted to end it all was because I couldn’t control my life, and embarassingly yet honestly I couldn’t dominate the attention and emotions of the women around me.

Parents were neglectful, busy and horribly depressed themselves. Attention and love was a commodity I was willing to destroy people for. The consciousness of others never entered the equation. I needed love and I would get it by any means necessary, including emotional manipulation and narcissistic abuse. It was awful, but I forgive myself and have been forgiven by those I hurt, thankfully.

While reading this I’ve been hoping to find people to talk about this with, and I look forward to finally be a part of a like minded support network to help each other grow and explore our personal experiences.

I am so happy to hear about your excitement for this project, as I most certainly am excited, too!

When it comes to feminist praxis, I’ve found myself stuck on what to do as a man. I believe I have found the answer, or at least the beginning of one… we gotta evolve and destroy the shackles that bind us from actualizing ourselves and others, the shackles that bind us from complete empathy and genuine love. We gotta destroy our socialized inclination towards violence and domination and forge a new manhood based around mutual respect, honor, integrity and true strength - the strength not to harm, but to support, uplift and defend others. That’s what I think, anyway. 😊

how tf I make somebody a mod in my community
title, unsure of placement 😵

I thought about that! If I recall correctly, the reddit community was r/menslib, short for men’s liberation ofc, but “lib” very much is associated with liberalism especially in our communist space lol. Changed to “Men’s Liberation” 🫡

Ukraine will have state-mandated girlfriends. It’s a fuckin reddit country alright.

We’ve got a prospective NFT based economy, they replaced a statue of Lenin with Darth fucking Vader, I just don’t get it.

I am morbidly curious of on Facebook/Twitter/other hellholes what kind of discourse is being generated by this news if any. My eyes would likely melt out of my skull at the site of johns and pseudo-feminists giving this idea praise. Entrepreneurial girlbosses supporting the brave Ukrainian troops!

I have created a feminist men’s lib community here and I’m curious of others’ thoughts, if any. It may flounder immediately. It may even be a bad idea! And the logo looks like shit.

I would appreciate any comrades who wanted to check it out though, and hearing any criticisms or ideas you may have!

This may be the most dystopian shit I’ve ever read.

Hello, comrades! I have created this community in no small part because I have been focusing hard on deconstructing negative behaviors and habits socialized into me from birth. I have been focusing on personal, professional and revolutionary growth. Importantly, I've been reading bell hooks' *The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity and Love*. It's honestly brought me to tears more than a few times, and I'm only as of writing 60% of the way through it. I have not felt *seen* like this in what feels like a long time. Socialized and internalized patriarchal standards of living are actively destroying our potential as men to live, love, and achieve true self-actualization. I highly recommend it to any man seeking to dismantle their internalized patriarchy. I also highly recommend it to feminist women and other non-men who innately fear us (rightly, much of the time), as hooks is intimately familiar with both the fear of males and male fear. It is obvious that this manufactured fear cannot sustain life and love and it is up to all of us, regardless of gender or sex, to destroy the locus of this fear - as prof. hooks not-so-succinctly, yet aptly, puts it, *imperialist white supremacist capitalist patriarchy*. I desired to create a space where I, other men, and all others interested can discuss our issues regarding patriarchal conditioning and potentially how we are working to overcome them. It can also serve as a space for women and those who do not identify with manhood to ask questions of men, and hopefully gain some insight, if they are so inclined. What do you think? I also ask graciously of you, comrades, that if, in my language revolving around gendered oppression, I fail to achieve a proper standard of trans and gender non-conforming inclusivity, you correct me. No offense will be taken, thank you.

women in video games

hahaha I feel you hard on your second paragraph, I feel like there should be a drinking game where comrades read shitty “communist” articles and try to decipher the ideological bent of the authors, maybe called “Maoist, Trotskyist, Anarchist?”

mfw like fuckin 20% of this community is straight up trans lol

just ignore all the pro-lgbt shit we’ve constantly posted, personal stories regarding our struggles w it

ignore all the pages-long critiques of patriarchy and misogyny.

these are those people incapable of accepting truth when it opposes their own view. they dehumanize us and anoint us reactionary homo/trans\phobic misogynists because they will never visit our space in good faith. these are those liberals it is best to save breath against and just patiently hope that they have absolutely lovely re-educational experiences when our primary goals are achieved.

I am curious what ultras you are specifically talking about.

I agree with the other commentors regarding the nature of ultraleftism, but I am a bit confused. Is “Ultras” being used in a different manner here?

When I was considering myself a “Maoist”, the circles I was active in were often very LGBT+ inclusive (to a fault, at times - by this I mean taking ultraleftist lines on the LGBT+ question of liberation a la plastering arcane propaganda on building walls like “Death to Truscum”, a term mostly only known by the chronically online). Same with anarchists. Which ultras in particular are this LGBTphobic? I’m not trying to defend ultras here, but I have interacted with just as many, if not more, bigoted “Marxist-Leninists” as ultras.

You young? I’m mid-20s. When I was a teen, I thought I wouldn’t live to see these years. My birthday is tomorrow. I’m a cashier. I feel very similarly about lack of overall usefulness… but I’m convincing myself that I can become useful. Somewhen somehow somewhere. Eventually.

We have time. Apocalypse is around the bend, but we’ve got time. We have to have time - convincing ourselves we don’t is a surefire way to wind up doing absolutely nothing with the time we do have and then wondering where it all went when it finally runs out. Time is not a privilege or luxury for everyone.

I’m on the brink of homelessness, but I’ve got time. I will do something with this lifetime in service to the international socialist project. Somewhere somewhen somehow, yeah?

Great points!

(This is all assuming that the union doesn’t arrange for career progression, with wages surpassing the non-unionised places with years’ service.)

I will have to read into it more but I actually believe it does. I’m not entirely sure to what wages you can reach, where the ceiling is and if it surpasses non-union “competitors”. However I do know that I was repeatedly told that the 13 something was my “starting pay” and there are expectations for it to increase. Not sure when or by how much tho lol


I hate to sound like a fetishist or even as if I’m approaching that point. I am very much a white Amerikan guy, family tree of settlers all the way down.

That being said, I feel a deep perhaps inexplicable kinship with Korean revolutionaries. I have never felt so inspired as I was when I first learned about the history of Korea and their unceasing struggles for liberation and resistance.

Reading Kim Il-sung has been more elucidating than literally any other Marxist author or orator. The man was a genius with a steeled brain and warm heart. Nothing has both pulled my heartstrings and sent my synapses firing on all cylinders than beginning to understand the Juche idea.

The cold would not bother me. Any destitution would not bother me. I would be contributing to the construction of one of the strongest and greatest socialist projects on the face of the earth.

Forgive any cringe. My heart, my life for Korean independence and the Korean people. 만세!

Management also likes to act slippery to avoid some shit. They’ll give you a shift that’s technically 30 minutes shorter than it otherwise would be, but that’s because they’d have to give you two paid breaks instead of one, or god forbid an unpaid 30 minute lunch. It’s like watching class war in action on the micro-scale - finding ways to circumvent worker-won rights legally.

I usually have to stay late because I close and people love coming in right before close and taking 20 minutes to finish their shopping lol. I get it, but also fuck them I wanna go home. A second break should be given as I’m never able to leave on time anyway.

Perhaps a major focus or driving force of mine wrt union activism should be in finding ways to close these loopholes.

There are very obviously concessions that have been written down on paper that are not followed to a T, and it’s no good witnessing those benefits not actually materialized.

Like something very obviously won by the union is the necessity of comfort mats underneath people in the check lanes - standing still like that for hours on end is killer. But according to my coworkers and management we haven’t had them in months because they keep getting dirty.

Well figure something the fuck out! Put a disposable tarp over them or something! This was a concession won by the workers and it’s fucked that it’s not being met.

There is a meeting soon. I will be attending and getting involved however I can. It’s also a large Amerikan union, so it has a plethora of problems ofc. My coworkers feel comfortable contacting the NLRB and the union any time some shit happens though, which is good, and the union seems more than happy to approach management with these complaints with the implicit threat of a potential strike underlying their demands.

I feel much more comfortable in my position than I ever had anywhere else. It used to be mostly “my employer’s not going to fire me for anything because they’re desparately understaffed and I’m typically a hard worker”. Now, it’s “my employer’s not going to fire me because I’ve got the backing of a national labor union”. It’s a good feeling despite the issues - there is an air of solidarity there that I can’t help but appreciate greatly.

Wonderful response comrade, I will keep your ideas in mind on my own path to growth, thank you 😊

I have had “manipulative” stamped on my conscience by more than a couple of people (who were, in fact, abusing or using me in some way or another - though I was certainly not good to them, either). Every social situation now seems to require evaluation afterwards - was this thing I said that I felt so genuinely actually just a manipulative tactic to get this person to like me?

It can spiral hard from there, to the point where I start believing I am an innately bad person - disregarding the inherent truth that there exists no pure and evil, good guys and bad guys, I can convince myself that I’m the exception. :)

I’m convincing myself that I am usually acting on my genuine thoughts and feelings, not strategizing on ways to manipulate people. Slowly but surely anyway! Backatcha on the inbox, always open to you and any comrade who wants to talk.

They asked what our starting pay is. Funny thing is, I don't even remember. I could theoretically do the math backwards from paystubs, but eh. I know how much to expect. Regardless, I said somewhere around 13 dollars, but the company I work for is unionized so the shit pay is offset a little bit by ensured basic rights like the ability to actually take breaks, unlike any of my previous workplaces. Coworkers are awesome, even management's tolerable. They said they worked for a place that was "worker-run" but then it stopped being so worker-run so they quit. Then they said *Walmart* of all places had started hiring at 17 an hour, all positions, so that was still their first choice. To see a small wage increase (not even to a livable wage) sway a worker in real time against the right to negotiate with their employer as workers collectively... *bruh*. It just sucks. I once worked for a pharmacy where I made $16.50 an hour and I consider it one of the worst jobs in the world. It was so alienating, I had intrusive thoughts like ::: spoiler unhinged *"maybe in this hellworld the only way to escape this miserable unlife is to become the slaveowner. I am a slave to insurance companies. I am a slave to Big Pharma. I am a slave to my hitlerite managers. I am a slave to ungrateful piece of shit geriatrics who are upset they had to wait 5 minutes longer for their viagra than normal because insurance is trying to charge another customer $800 for their life-preserving medication and I'm trying to convince them fucking not to. Nobody is grateful or ever will be for your labor and all of your labor is in service of capitalist slaveowners. this will never change."* ::: - - etc. etc. It's maybe a bit worrisome that I remember that feeling so intensely, I don't know. At the same time, those thoughts and my internal battle against them were instrumental in creating a fundamental understanding in me that wages are not worth your sanity, your ability to take breaks, your ability to call in, your ability to take or leave more work at your request. I am so grateful for my new job tbh, cringe as it may be. I am learning to enjoy labor for labor's sake. Making actual, meaningful connections with people. And I get to take breaks, in fact I am forced to take a break. This is because we have a union. I don't know if Walmart conditions have improved generally... but every time I've been inside a Walmart, I've thought to myself *If I ever find myself working here, I **am** going to *redacted* myself. I'll have to." I don't know. I'm having a strange time with it all. Unions are good, and I'm beholding a part of the struggle in real-time. Thanks for reading or even skimming 🫡 Don't work at Walmart if you don't have to, kids.

Welcome comrade! 🙏 I hope you find this space as enjoyable as I do!

I have a lot of thoughts about what you wrote and I apologize for the brevity of my response - I work in 15 minutes lol. I know what it’s like to constantly perform. It feels like social interaction is a minefield or a strategic battle to be won sometimes.

Trying as it were has been… interesting, when the words that come out of my mouth I know are indicative of a kind, caring man, but the primary thought I feel bouncing around my head at most times is nothing but a prolonged, unhinged scream engulfed in a cascade of thoughts and subconscious voices that I can hardly begin to understand. But I’m trying.

And trying makes me feel manipulative. Aren’t all relationships inherently… transactional to some extent? There are things I want. There are things the Other wants. Friendship, romance, time together, benign things even. But are we not always manipulating each other to some extent to achieve these things? I present myself a certain way because I believe it’s ethical and I find solace in being kind - but we all are still presenting ourselves, facades that can’t possibly be completely penetrated by another. Parts of ourselves we do not want others to see or know.

It’s hard, comrade. I’m with ya.

Did somebody say there exist Church sympathizers with beating hearts who do not yet either kneel to me in deference or fall to the might of my forces? To the might of God’s will?

Stories about euromerican soldiers and spies who were swayed in their beliefs by communist revolutionaries and decided to defect to or act on behalf of those nations instead of continuing to support brutality always warm my heart.

-Will do sexual things in exchange of toys/games

See, this is why I’m elated that the only internet forum I use is populated with Marxist-Leninists and I ditched Facebook discourse groups entirely some odd years ago.

The sheer psychological damage that the potential discourse is capable of inflicting could finally destroy my brain. From people justifying it from a blatantly pedophilic angle to others justifying it from an identitarian angle. To others claiming it’s sex work and thusly… lol.

And, oh bother, the ableism discourse.

It’s ableist, it’s pedophilic, it harms actual asexual people. Hope this person learns from their mistakes before worse justifiably happens. Potentially.

[Vent] I just had the most amazing first date of my life. They blocked me a few hours after.
Throughout the entirety of the date, everything was reciprocated. There was, uncommon for me, even unprompted active flirtation from the person in question when the present conversation was not necessarily flirtatious - random sweet things. It lasted over four hours. We talked about our intentions, our interests, our passions, our traumas. There were two hour+ phone calls prior to the date that contained much of the same personal conversation. They asked me to kiss them, prompted only by the vibe of sitting on a park bench by a river surrounded by geese enveloped in the reflections of the sun on the ripples of said river. This has never happened to me before, I have *always* been the instigator - always the asker, never the asked - it was not considered a masculine or attractive trait during my childhood to be asked. I obliged. We kissed quite a few more times the rest of the night, by my initiative and theirs. They complimented parts of myself that I hate, or at least find hard to love - my nose, my freckles, my hair. They made me feel both seen and beautiful and I did my best to reciprocate. I have not felt this way in years, I can't remember the last time I felt this way. It is only a first date, I know this. I know this. For like 50% of the date we were laughing and planning our second date, a potential third. We had talked about how things may change the more comfortable we became with one another, like hanging out at each others' houses. They talked about getting me a birthday present. Date ends. Get home. We text about how wonderful the date was, when our schedules would align well next - the sooner the better. Two hours since the last message was sent, I see: ::: spoiler ! >*Hey I’m so sorry but I’ve been thinking and I’m just not interested. Good luck tho!* ::: I am taken aback but I think, ok, sometimes these things happen. Rejection would be one thing. I wrote a message saying it was totally ok but I just wanted to know if it was possible to remain friends, and if they were comfortable telling me if I did anything wrong or could have done something better, but they had already blocked me on everything. I just don't understand. I'm starting to feel like something is seriously fucking wrong with me. We had shows we agreed to watch together, games we agreed to play, and music we agreed to share. All gone in an instant without any recourse or explanation. Am I acting entitled? Is this an extreme reaction to something trivial? I've been crying for a while. I've always considered myself an open book but I shared deeply personal things with this person. The connection was instant and nigh *tangible*. I just wanted someone or some people to talk to. Most of my friends won't care. I'm living out of a hotel for now. I returned to this horrible, disgusting room with a smile on my face. I was ready to get some rest and do what needed to be done tomorrow with that same smile. Now it's 2am and I just lie here staring at the ceiling through soaked eyes tuning out the hotel cable until infomercials become little more than meaningless gibberish. I'm trying to get better. I feel so fucking alone. They probably had a good reason for ending it so abruptly. Maybe they were scared of retaliation because I'm a man. I just wish I could know why. Is this type of hurt so fucking typical for "casual" dating? I am so drained, it's a fucked up thing to say but I wonder about chemical castration sometimes. Is there something similar for "romantic attraction", too? Because if this is at all typical, I'm ok. Count me out. I'm an adult and I still feel like a scared little kid.


On S4 E16, time 17:48, but I had to pause the episode to talk about this. Beware spoilers throughout. Are you KIDDING ME? Part of a small lingering complaint I've had in my head is that they have been somewhat understandably shy about using many opaquely radical terms: communism, socialism, revolution, etc. But now we're going ham into pro-union storytelling with no shame and no relent. How can this show keep getting exponentially based-er? They can't keep getting away with it!

…any advice on being homeless?
Yeah. I have a job, a car and a planet fitness membership - mentioning as I believe they have showers. I have a place lined up in 2 months but for reasons I won't get into (unless you're *really* interested) I have to leave my current residence soon. I am not sure when. I'm gonna get to spend my birthday homeless. 🎂 🥳

Freely gift me your focus, all usurers and thieves. We've all some paltry grievance with how you waste the air you breathe. There exist spider-silken threads - inseverably interwoven, sewn against rock. Amalgamates, bonded by an unflinching, merciless spirit of Liberty - freezing, hungry palisades erected. Our enviable blood engenders the mortar, weaponized, as we violently manifest a more verdant future that would never bear this lifeless grey. Rubble deconstructed of unceasing Sins, we dance in the form of dolomite bones, jubilant vibrations echo, deafening - brace yourself and suffocate against the terrible weight of a million `bloodless stones.`

Update on my wisdom teeth
Not only did I not get them removed as it would have cost $3,400 out-of-pocket, but I just got a call telling me I owed them $110 for the "office visit" wherein I was there for 10 minutes and they told me to fuck off. I told them they're gonna have to send it collections as I already have outstanding medical debt on actual shit and don't even have the money to pay *that*, and she told me they were gonna keep harassing me until I paid it until it *eventually* goes to collections. I am in awe that human beings, the most incredible animal to have existed on Earth, devised a system this opaquely selfish and disgusting and people just go along with it. Homo amerikanus has developed into a sick simulacrum of humanity. This country is fucking epic. Burn it down.

Poem: Floorboard (TW: 🔫)
* The floorboard in the passenger seat * is flooding with the paperwork * from all the jobs * I failed to keep. * Vacant packs of cigarettes * strewn, destroyed and unclean. **** * Hairbrush, toothbrush * skin of my teeth, * hateful uniform underneath. **** * this ain't my car * this ain't my home **** * The floorboard in the passenger seat * is flooding with receipts, * Zero in the bank, * drained the E.B.T. - * dead vapes and dirty clothes, * I'll never be clean again. **** * An unloaded gun rests in the hand * of the couch crasher, * of the dream smasher, * Can't even sell it - * can't even, I can't even

I was not aware that scifi could be this good. Only on S1 E17 ("only" as if I didn't start watching this like 3 days ago) and I'm told it only gets better. It has not disappointed me yet even with its wildest shit. ::: spoiler how I feel abt some of the characters **Sisko** is the chad Old Guard Stalinist who makes questionable decisions at times and is a hardass boss but his intent and his impact are always in service to the people, all people. **Kira** is my forever unrequited love (as she is fictional). Kira is absolutely amazing, the revolutionary who actually seized power and is now dealing with the ugly consequences of having said power. She's the forever-revolutionary and at least so far a goddamn aspirational one and a Bajoran global hero. **Julian** needs to keep his libido in check. Thirsty as fuck and has some xenorientalism to work through. Incredible doctor and is devoted the cause when it makes necessary demands. **O'Brien** is an absolute Stakhanovite and I love him for it. Wish I was raised by him instead of my dad. **Odo** is so badass. So far he only has a fleeting understanding of his species, but at least from the perspective of some, Odo is a living relic. People tell ancient myths about changelings! He is perhaps the last of his kind (idk, s1 e17) and I think he stands as a wonderful representative of his people. The People's Constable through and through. I hope **Quark** has a mindbreak and becomes a communist or he's murdered on-screen. I understand the series goes into more detail about the reasons why the Ferengi are like *that*... but to be completely honest, in the Star Trek universe at least, I would almost definitely be quite racist against Ferengi. Sisko didn't want Jake to hang out with Nog and I sympathized. I like that he came to his senses later that xenoracism is uncool, but Nog so far has only gotten worse and worse in his profit-before-people shit. Hope it changes. **Dax** is interesting. I like the Trill lore. I'm not sure if the Curzon Dax stuff has more context in earlier iterations or not, but it hasn't hampered my enjoyment of Dax's character. Old man. ___ ::: Blows my mind that this came out in 1993. It feels like communist art. Diplomacy first, always. Profiteering is disgusting and condemnable and humans should have no desire to do it, to the extent that it would be *literally* alien to us to fuck over others just for economic gain. The Bajoran politics are fascinating and, like I said, I love Kira and stan whatever carbombings she had to do to win independence. Also, the Cardassians are fucking horrifying and look like animated and decaying Greco/Roman statues. I get major Rome and Amerika vibes from them, though the Ferengi are also quite Amerikan. Can't believe I've put off Star Trek for this long. Also can't believe there was ever a freakin' debate between whether Star Trek or Star Wars is better, I'm feeling a radical difference in tone. In DS9 at least, there's rarely been le good guys and le bad guys the way there is in Star Wars especially post-Disney. I feel Star Wars also plays up the heroic fantasy to the 14th level, which is ok, but not necessarily interesting aside from visually, at least to me. Anyway, I love this show and would like to see what people wanna say about it.

At 5:05 P.M. Tuesday April 18th, the CCP fired an atomic missile, codenamed "*Humanity's Vanguard*", at an incoming asteroid beyond scientifically understood proportions that was projected to wipe out 80% of life on Earth. The asteroid shattered and harmless fragments of it landed peacefully in our oceans. However, Beijing's move has its fair share of critics. We asked local China expert and megagenius Elon Musk his thoughts on the ordeal, and the science behind it. >"So, Mr. Musk. What are your thoughts on this whole China thing?" >"If I've learned anything from being, you know, a hilarious business mogul and brilliant handsome scientist and good father, it's that alternative motives exist for everything. China did not do this out of the good of their hearts, they did it because they're a smart business minded people, like myself." >"It must hurt to be so utterly correct and handsome all the time, Mr. Musk. Thank you for your valuable insight." So, the totalitarian dictatorship of Communist China did **not** save humanity out of the goodness of its bleeding pinko heart. So what gives? In Xinjiang, the East Turkestan Islamic Movement is an organization peacefully fighting for national sovereignty from China. The chief navigator of the team that destroyed the asteroid is... *Uyghur*. We believe our readers are smart enough to put two and two together. (China is using Uyghur astronaut slaves). Work at SpaceX on a more powerful asteroid-destroying missile in preparation for a potential similar world-threatening event has been consistent insofar as every prototype launched has burned up immediately upon reaching the stratosphere and exploded, injuring hundreds each time. SpaceX stock continues to rise as these brave heroes speculate us into the future.

So they're gonna try to kill this guy, right?

"We're sorry, we'd love to be so generous as to purchase your labor (and soul), and you have a really yummy looking soul, but we found one with more experience being devoured. Reapply, worm. Reapply, worm. Reapply, worm. Reapply, worm."

(Rant) Just got rejected for necessary surgery for being too poor.
Actually shaking and fucking crying. $3,400 for five teeth. I thought there'd be a payment plan or something but no. They really expected me to pay $3,400 in full today. I wasn't informed of payment options. I wasn't informed of the price before a week ago. I've been preparing and waiting for this for over a fucking year! Financial worker asked how much I could afford today. Said $10. Then she told me I couldn't get the surgery. Told her I guess I'm just too poor to fucking exist. Just left. So sick of it. I'm begging for wage slavery and begging for thousands of dollars in medical debt. I'm *begging* for these awful fucking things, credit cards as well. It's like I'm going around screaming *"kick me in the nuts!"* at the nut-kicking convention and nobody can fucking hear me, or worse, hears me and says they'd rather kick someone who's wasted away more of their time behind a cash register than I have in the nuts. My teeth are gonna come in crooked, penetrating my sinuses and squeezing my other teeth together so hard I don't go a day without bleeding and swelling. It's only gonna get worse. FUCK.

For anyone that doesn't know, Unitarian Universalism is considered a "liberal religion" - it is non-sectarian and pluri-religious, up to and including what they consider "secular humanists", or atheists and agnostics. They seemingly take or at least allow for inspiration from a plethora of different religious and spiritual ideas, including atheistic ones, and consider themselves a politically progressive organization. There's a church near me. I don't know. I am and will likely forever remain an atheist unless something unfathomably drastic happens. I remember looking into this "church" when I was younger and searching for a place of belonging, but I'm not sure it's the correct path to work on my own 'spiritual' growth. I feel as though Marxism-Leninism, and its many brilliant examples of theory and practice, have solidly aided what I'd consider my intellectual growth. It is taking a different kind of effort to discern what 'spiritual growth' even means to me, let alone to work on it. I think - the way I'd describe it from my own experience,- I'd reference when I first read through *Rogue State* and *Killing Hope* by William Blum. It was a transformative experience for me, the final realization I needed to have that it wasn't only domestic capitalism that needed to be utterly destroyed, nor just the state, but empire in its totality. It awakened me to international perspectives I had not been introduced to before. I am so much better informed about the world, it's likely if I asked someone to name a country I could probably rather confidently inform them (if they do not know) of how our state and our corporations have or are currently fucking over those peoples by orchestrating coups and colour revolutions and extracting those nations' wealth, or trying to. But it also utterly fucked me up. 'My spirit' felt broken. I could/can barely keep myself afloat. Now the mental burden of knowing that I am constantly standing atop a ground laden with the skulls of people my ancestors likely murdered and that those skulls have gold and lithium inlays woven with the blood of starving, overworked, underpaid, *enslaved and tortured* human beings almost everywhere in the world by people who have the fucking hubris to call those places "underdeveloped" while counting their blood money. *How the fuck do you cope with that?* I stopped eating, sleeping. Doing nothing but listening to extremely overwhelming political podcasts about the worst shit imaginable and robotically playing video games to convince myself I was doing something. Just sent me spiraling further. My 'spirit' is not strong, and I think I may want help. What I guess I consider 'spiritual growth' to mean, for me, is something like learning the ability to reconcile the mental with the physical and put ideas to work, and to resolve the lingering, insidious defeatism within me that prevents me from wanting to even try. To assess the horrific situations we find ourselves in, say "this has to be addressed", and begin addressing it, or at least trying to. In other words, I am in exactly the kind of situation I know cults love. Vulnerable and mentally malleable, confused but open-minded. Makes me wary, but I haven't heard much negative about the UUs and every one I've met has been friendly. I know they show out to Pride events in support, support BLM etc. The "liberal" in "liberal religion" is surely there for a reason (where's the materialist church tho), but I'm mostly just curious if any of you think it'd be worthwhile, even just as an attempt to meet local progressive-minded folk. Have you met any members or dealt with the church before? How do you think they'd react if I told them I was a communist? How long do you think it'd take for me to attempt to give a sermon on "The Essential Works of Kim Il-Sung", and how long would it take for them to throw me out? Thanks for reading 📚 🤓 (nerd)

Just weird times we live in. I didn't *not* expect this from CGTN necessarily, I guess I'm still pleasantly surprised. Nationwide protests shot off on the 18th and 19th. Did you see any coverage? The revolution will not be televised. RATWM is a fascist maneuvering and nothing more, attempting to recoup some of the brewing anti-war sentiment back into supporting capitalism and by extension imperialism. Libertarians, pedo "communists", and outright fascists? We don't fucking need them and I find it frustrating when people seem to think we do. RATWM was televised because it was backed by money. Dirty, bloody money coming from the likes of the Paul political dynasty. Their pathetic little gathering was not the revolutionary moment some people seemed to imply it was. It was a farce. The people will rise up and they won't need ghoulish demagogues to pay them to.

>The Islamic Republic of Iran’s 20 year Vision Plan, as a multi-disciplinary document, has set out provisions on the ways and means on enhancing social justice, legitimate freedoms, protection of humans’ dignity and rights, social and judicial security, health, welfare, food security, social security, equal opportunities, appropriate distribution of income, acceptable sound environment and strengthening the institution of family, with no poverty, corruption and discrimination. Any thoughts? I found it informative and totally contrary to the western-imposed ideas I had in my head of Iran's narrative surrounding women. Tasnim News, it should be mentioned, is fiercely loyal to the Iranian government according to their about page.

Comrade gravity don't let us down!

> Psyop memes are taking over social media, in particular across post-ironic meme pages, where anti-establishment currents are supercharged. In the mainstream, HBO Max’s new Velma cartoon has prompted conspiracy theories that it’s a right-wing psyop, while Fox News is convinced that the M&M girlies are a Chinese psyop meant to pedal candy-coated femininity. It’s not that we’re all collectively losing our minds, although it certainly feels that way. It’s more a reaction to our increased awareness of the propaganda and subversion that we are all exposed to every day. As the late Robert Anton Wilson said all the way back in 1980: “Anyone in the United States today who isn’t paranoid must be crazy.” I like this article.

Went down a rabbit hole after listening to The Wonder Years' *Stained Glass Ceilings*, a song about racial injustice and police violence, which had a feature from Jason Aalon Butler that was fire as fuck. I had heard of letlive. but have never given them a chance. Saw that JAB is doing a solo rapcore project now, and it fucking *slaps*. ***Go listen to FEVER 333.*** >“This all sits on the fucking footing and pillars of a very racist and capitalist system,” Jason says. “And they’re intertwined. It’s not like we have capitalism over here and white supremacy over here and tilted policy over here. They’re all the same thing. And I don’t think a successful bridge that we can cross has been built yet, because we’ve created this enemy that we’re not willing to fight. But the one thing that kept giving me inspiration to continue trying for this fight was knowing that maybe, just maybe, there’s other parents out there having the same conversation. I teach my children about consumerism, about overconsumption, about – in a very, very, very low level – *Marxism*. And at the end of the day, when I’m teaching them, I realise how simple it can be. Everybody deserves to be housed, everybody deserves to be cared for, and everybody deserves an opportunity to fit somewhere.” >“All love to them [the members of Roadrunner, former musical project], for real,” he states, “but when it came down to what I was saying and how I was saying it, there was dissonance. And what I realised as I started to dive further into my leftist learnings, is that we’re dealing with corporations that only give a fuck about the bottom dollar. I’m not saying that about the people on our team, I’m saying that the fucking Money God they answer to is a corporation, and these motherfuckers are always going to be on top. They ain’t never going to let you be on top of that dollar – even if you made all that money, even if your labour is what brought that. You’re propping up that system no matter what. *They’re literally making money off of your fucking protest*.”

[Vent] I got Dx’d with fibromyalgia.
And I am so very tired. I have chronic pain and have been waiting on this rheumatologist appointment for like 6 months. I'm incredibly hyperflexible on many parts of my body (which causes much of the pain I experience) and my doctor suggested I may have hEDS. I don't really know what I expected. I believe fibromyalgia is "real" but its controversial status in the "medical community" makes me feel a little uneasy getting the dx for some reason. A major reason, I believe, for the claims that it is an entirely psychosomatic disorder or even that it's entirely fictional is its prevalence in women and an insidious misogyny permeating our understanding of pain. Idk. Prognosis is fine. Treatment is eating healthier and getting more exercise. It's stuff I've been doing anyway. It all feels like such a waste of time and money, doctor to doctor, x-rays to MRIs to CAT scans to CT scans and on and on and on, all to be told "your disorder makes you feel tired, in pain, and depressed all the time, and there's no remedy other than pulling yourself up by your bootstraps". Ok. I guess I'm glad to have a diagnosis. It doesn't make the pain go away, though.

Pack it up, Maoists. Marxist-Leninists are movin' in to get this bread. 😎

I'm not crying, you're crying. 😭 ![]( Damn moving speech. Hasta la victoria siempre!

Y'all see this? Nuts, I'm glad Afroman's using the situation to his advantage and spreading awareness like goddamn wildfire about this shit. ![]( Good.

Thank you, comrades.
Was just thinking about how in-depth many of the conversations are here, often about things I haven't given much thought to personally. Then I got to thinking about how difficult it must have been 100 years ago to find like-minded communists to have these vital, illuminating discussions with. What would I have done? Gone to book stores and creeped around any of the areas with even the most mild revolutionary theories available, and confront anyone glancing at Marxist literature, hoping beyond hope that they weren't secretly a fed hoping I'd do just that? The internet can be a tool of weaponized alienation, abstracting us from our communities and preventing us from as effectively reaching out to others. It can also be wonderful, facilitating the most important discussions of the time and allowing comrades otherwise surrounded by fascists a safer place to learn, grow, and share. There is certainly something to be said about left-wingers and revolutionaries substituting actual political engagement with futile online interaction. Regardless, the reification of correct ideas a site like lemmygrad offers many of us feels quite important. It can allow for the creation of more knowledgeable and better prepared organizers. Interaction here surely has helped beat whatever residual liberalism I feel was left in me.

May I eat `meaning` eat I may possess the will to possess a will deep within my gut well devour before devoured

"Explain." No.

Need some motivation.
I work for people with "developmental disabilities" as it's known in the biz, and a part of my duties includes finishing online training to get registered properly in my position. I've been working at my current place for a few months, and I have a lot of overdue courses I need to finish but I keep pushing it off and pushing it off. I have 30 lessons that need to be completed, they're over two weeks past due. Every time I look at my computer screen my eyes start to get blurry and I sort of start to disassociate. Instead of doing this shit I'd rather get high and play video games, even though I know I *need* to finish it if I want to keep my job and get registered with the state. Idk. Just so burnt out from the work proper that the paperwork starts to seem insurmountable on my days off. I've been doing this kind of work for over 2 and a half years, closer to 3, but since I crossed state lines I'm deemed *unqualified* and have to redo a lot of the shit I've already done, and take lesson after lesson detailing shit I already know intimately. It's so frustrating. I even get paid for it! As if affording rent isn't enough of a motivation!

Twitter thread detailing China’s place as the world leader in sustainability
This is actually nuts. Remember that every time the imperialist dogs call for overthrowing the CPC, they're calling for the destruction of one of the last and most important bastions against climate apocalypse that exists. The CPC is leading humanity into the future, and the oilsuckers are pissed.

Feel like a cornered animal. (rant)
This system. Jesus Christ. Spend hours at work looking at other jobs tryna find something that won't make me want to *redacted* myself, come up empty. Jobs in the same field, janitorial, food service, customer service! Too disabled to do full blown manual labor. Too poor to go to school to have a 5% chance of landing a better job or learning a marketable skill. *Marketable*! Like we're fucking livestock tryna show off our plumpest bits to the highest bidding snake! Still young. I don't know how people 10, 20 years older than me in similar situations manage to hold it together without going full batshit insane. Paycheck to paycheck. Held hostage by a hostile, draining work environment and shit wages. Held hostage by landlords and other usurer scum. gAAHHH

I recommend the channel “Fascinating Horror”. (The Great Smog of 1952)
This is a weird one, but hear me out. All of the videos on this channel are about real-life occurrences, mostly man-made disasters including the structural collapse of buildings, ships, trains, and the devastating effects of industry. Most pertinently, every video focuses heavily on the victims, who are usually workers. Most videos end with a detailed account of policy changes that happened (or didn't happen) in order to prevent future disasters from occurring. He also makes it damn clear that it's usually the capitalists' fault, who shunt their responsibilities to keep their workers safe. It's less horror and more discussion of anti-worker policies, where legal protections for workers' safety come from, architectural science, and preserving the memory of historical accidents and catastrophes. Well worth a sub imo.

A couple of my favorite music videos with men-loving-men rep
Granted they're not very happy songs or concepts. But that kind of representation matters too I think. The lead singer of Foxing used this short film as a means of coming out to his fans as bi. It's also just a beautiful piece of art, and an incredible song imo. Foxing - Night Channels I love the band Movements, even if they're a little emotionally indulgent at times. They're the type of band to release a song about visiting an elderly man with alzheimers in a nursing home, though, and for that I adore them. This is a powerful video with a bittersweet ending. Movements - Full Circle

![]( This is horrific, straight up fascist terrorism. Only gonna get worse.