Now with today’s age where almost everything is sexualized, and everywhere you look there’s sexual implications on it. As a lonely teenager myself going through the “horny phase.” Things are not going good for me. How do you deal with impure thoughts? (No religion stuff plz lol)

Every time you get an urge, do a few push-ups instead of watching p*rn. Also take cold showers.

@redshiftedbrazilian
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When I was having trouble with porn I had a hard time because like you said,everything today is sexualized. Anyway here are some concrete actions I took to help me get rid of it:

  • Porn blocker on the computer and cellphone
  • Delete social medias, specially shit like instagram and snapchat
  • Sleep early (normaly I’d do it at late night, so sleeping early means cutting this “free” time)
  • Short baths (duh)
  • Limit over sessions using computer and apps (except for the essential ones)

Try to identify which moments and what is “triggering” you and get rid of it.

Now, there is nothing wrong with sex/masturbation, so all I’ve said here applies mostly to porn. If you feel like you’re having problems w masturbation you can use all this for it too, but like I said, unless youre doing it too much (its starting to affect other parts of your life), there is nothing wrong with it.

I saw someone down there recomending hentai, I’d advise against though. Sure no real women are exploited like in other types of porn but normaly this kind of pornography is full of things like (Content warning here) pedophilia, rape and violence in a more general way). Even if there are no such things, women are still objectified and portrayed as mere sex objects. And, of course, its just as bad for you as the other kinds of porn. A friend of mine once even argued that - for you - it might be even worse since you’re “tying up” your sexual preferences to something that is not real, so when ypu finally have the chance to have a real experience, you may not get aroused enough. Tl Dr dont use porn

As for the lonely teenager part, I’ve been there and I had a lot of difficulty talking to people. I hope you can find someone nice and be happy, but keep in mind that relationships are not “meant to be” like in movies, they are built. Built on trust, friend ship and respect. Be nice to people and engage with them honestly. I know this is kinda common sense so here is an actual tip on how to talk to someone you’re interested:

  • Avoid using yes/no questions. When speaking to the person, make questions that they CAN’T anwser with just one word. This keeps the conversation flowing.

  • Also, engage with what the person is saying, be interested. Its going to be easier to make “good” questions.

@SovereignState
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You’re probably right about the hentai. I would argue that it’s just as easy to find the same sick fetishes being fulfilled in porn, though, if not technically outright as illegal as what is being portrayed in some hentai – I also would not say it is “usually” full of those things, although a lot of it is, like porn. Stay away from sick shit generally or you’ll be sliding down a path it’ll be difficult to escape from. The attraction that can develop to inanimate objects (drawings) over real people and the ramifications that can have on sex drive I think is a more compelling argument against hentai.

My main rec is mostly just to use more imagination. If art or dirty fanfic or whatever can help stimulate that, that’s far better than watching porn imo, both for the sake of not contributing to exploitation and for one’s own mental well-being.

Yeah I just think we should drop porn enteirely

For sure, I think porn generally is a cultural sickness. I think for a lot of us in the “west” and western-internet-hegemonic areas we might get hooked on it early because of the pervasiveness of it and lack of control (I was like 11 or 12 when I was first introduced to it), all my recs are just from my experience ofc.

Yeah, and children are having their first contact with porn earlier than ever

@Sunshiner
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I watched my first porn clip when I was around 7, and got hooked to it when I was around nine. Guess where the porn was on? YouTube.

@Sunshiner
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I’ve noticed that people in the west have been promoting it, even though it was considered bad a while ago, now all of a sudden it’s okay and “healthy?” I swear they’re fishy

I would highly recommend the Probably Canceled podcast if you’re interested in the push for “sex work acceptance” and pornography pushing etc. Marxist-Feminist and just based as hell. The term “sex work” comes from a neoliberal feminist who decided to try prostitution because she thought it would be fun, which for her apparently it was. For the vast vast majority, it isn’t. I’d also recommend the documentary Hot Girls Wanted on Netflix, it completely destroys the narrative that “amateur” porn is any better.

I apologize for recommending Hentai down below, it can have similar or different but still negative mental effects as porn. I do not think that it is all as heinous as it is being made out to be, as it’s just as simple to find heinous real-person pornography and not all hentai is disgusting pedo/zoophile shit. I utilized it (as in, the non-heinous shit) to distance myself from the effect of over-sexualizing people I knew irl and it worked for that pretty well, but probably had other negative effects like object-fetishization etc.

@Sunshiner
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Thank you so much for recommending “Hot Girls Wanted!” I’ve yet to see it, but your description got me extremely interested. I always watched amateur from well known amateur channels, so I never felt guilty about watching women struggling in porn because I never watched “professional” porn. I thought amateur was free of that exploitation of women. I assume that this documentary might change that viewpoint. I can’t wait to see it!

I apologize for recommending Hentai down below, it can have similar or different but still negative mental effects as porn. I do not think that it is all as heinous as it is being made out to be, as it’s just as simple to find heinous real-person pornography and not all hentai is disgusting pedo/zoophile shit. I utilized it (as in, the non-heinous shit) to distance myself from the effect of over-sexualizing people I knew irl and it worked for that pretty well, but probably had other negative effects like object-fetishization etc.

You’re fine! I won’t demonize you for it :)) We all make mistakes, and the only forgiveness to it is when you learn and overcome it! I thought about it myself and saw what you meant by recommending hentai, there is some genres that aren’t fucked up as the other ones. However in the end it’s no better than actual porn. At least you changed your mind on that stand point, and I respect you for that, comrade!! :D

Btw what’s object fetishization? Would that include fetishizing unreal characters such as anime characters?

@Sunshiner
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Thanks man! This info is really helpful. Especially the sleeping early part. I also do it at night, so doing this would cut free time.

I can’t believe someone would recommend Hentai. I once checked it out and was disgusted by the amount of plots in those clips. It’s always rape, pedophilia, and all of that other disgusting shit. I steered clear from it.

A friend of mine once even argued that - for you - it might be even worse since you’re “tying up” your sexual preferences to something that is not real, so when ypu finally have the chance to have a real experience, you may not get aroused enough. Tl Dr dont use porn

Seems like I’m at that point. I kinda fell into the rabbit hole. I’m now climbing out of that.

Good luck man 👊

@Sunshiner
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Thank you comrade! :))

That’s a great point about deleting social media. I did away with FB/Twitter/Insta+ more (I basically just use snap to keep up w a girl I talk to) and I noticed that my peers were like 80% less sexualized. A lot of what’s presented to you on social media is an exaggeration of themselves, or an overly sexual version of themselves to get attention, and that attention isn’t even a bad thing to seek, people have their own reasons for why they may feel ignored or not interacted with enough in their daily life, so social media is an easy way to put a bandage on that insecurity. But it’s not for me and I feel that it has too much of an effect on me, so I did away with it because it was a net negative.

For real though, WHY DO PEOPLE SEEK SO MUCH ATTENTION? Your reply is driving me crazy lol.

I dont know if I have a satisfying awnser for it. My guess is that being recognized by your community is obviously important but in our neoliberal hellhole we call society there is no such thing as communities, so people seek atention in many different ways. With the rise of social networks not only people finally had a plataform to do so but they are encoraged to, because this is these companies only way to profit. In order to get attention these people need to “master” the algorithims, which essentially is to learn how to sell their image. The only (or the most proeminent way) in our neoliberal world to feel validated as a person/to be recognized is to turn yourself in a commodity. This is similar to the way incels see relationships - not something that is built with another person but as a trade, where you can exchange “being nice” for sex.

If we couple this together with the fact sex is widely used in marketing because it works, it appeals to something “visceral” within us, what we have is people objectifying theirselves as a way to be valued, which leads to social medias having a high amount of “sexual” content.

That’s just a guess though, I feel like something is off and I can’t point it out

Well, I don’t want to repeat myself, but I genuinely think part of it comes from not being interacted with on a human emotional level enough. It’s less inherently linked to capitalism more of a subtle aspect. Capitalism doesn’t give us enough free time to communicate through our insecurities properly and capitalism even plays an active role in creating or worsening your insecurities to sell solutions/ aka products to you. But it happens in socialist society too. You’ll see men and women flaunting, not because of capitalist institutions, but because no place is perfect, there are always people who don’t receive the human contact that is deserved(and that applies to conventionally attractive people too, they are fetishized, treated like they are on a different social tier). So I think personally most of the intense sexualization of everything is most certainly a byproduct of capitalism that, like you mentioned, makes markets of everything and uses visceral emotions to get to their market base, but it mostly comes from insecurity. Some people are very sexual and don’t seem insecure though, those are probably the best kind of sexual people because I feel like they gratify themselves rather than a preconceived notion of themselves and how they should act according to society

@Sunshiner
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That makes sense. Besides the societies and systems, it’s also has a lot to do with the human themselves internally. You mentioned it happens in socialist societies, which is true. I personally feel that it’s more common in capitalist societies than socialist.

Bottom line, I agree when you say that it’s not fully because of capitalism, though I do think that this issue is more common in capitalist structures.

Yeah I agree, this is just something I was thinking about because of your awnser and wanted to share. Point is not that people feel lonely, this is normal in any society like you said, but more how do they act because of this in a capitalist society and how their response would be linked to the dominant ideology

@Sunshiner
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This is definitely it! I also find myself seeking attention, currently am getting over this. When I was an liberal in my early teen days, this desire for attention was strong. Ever since I became ML that desire somehow went away. Must be my change in ideologies. Especially the view on money power and fame. I don’t have greed or care for a whole load of cash anymore.

Could you tell me more about this? Your reply was very interesting, I’d love to learn more of this.

I wish I could, this is just something I was thinking because of the other comrade awnser and I wanted to share. But the fact that when you “chabged ideologies” thibgs got a bit easier makes me think there is a link here somewhere

Do you have any ideas?

@Sunshiner
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Ideas? Like… my current ideologies or any idea on the link between the two?

the link

@Sunshiner
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My story of the link between the two

spoiler

While suffering in liberal indoctrination, I would worry about attention, feel bad about my social media status, and what others thought of me. I thought I would “need more money” to look prettier. The breaking point for me was the sexual mindset. I noticed in capitalist culture, sexualization is everywhere, and they associate the human’s need for a community as something sexual. I also noticed “friends with benefits” becoming popular. All of a sudden everyone wants to fuck their friends lol.

There was something fishy with this. As a WOC, the standard for black women was so exploitative. They expect us to look a certain way in order to be some “beautiful black queen/goddess.” I knew I couldn’t achieve that coz I didn’t have that kind of money. I would feel bad about myself for not having that “black magic.” After converting to Marxism, that desire went away completely. I noticed those standards were apart of fetishizing black women.

This community has beliefs I can get behind. In fact, I believed in them all along. I just kept them down while being a liberal because I was afraid of being “cancelled” and pushed away. (The desire to belong was being attacked while in that community.) Whew being a liberal was the most miserable time in my life. I think the reason I thought I was a liberal was because I thought that liberals were the only people that “cared” about POC and LGBTQ+ rights. Boy I was wrong! Faced so much racism and homophobia from those fuckers.


Wanting to belong while being in the capitalist system is not fun. You will want to change yourself in order to belong. Capitalist culture is impossible to fit in, except for rich people who exploit others. Still, some people in the lower class want to fit in. They go extreme lengths to achieve this. (ex: Killing their own family members for insurance money.) That’s why a lot of low class people think that they should become wealthy" in order to escape oppression.

The attractive standard in liberal and ML perspectives are so different. The Marxist perspective of attractiveness is realistic, meanwhile the capitalist culture is very unrealistic. They expect children to have an hourglass shape, and expect you to have silky smooth skin at 75 y/o. The makeup style in their standards is so damn expensive! However, I feel like this community has more realistic attractive standards. I noticed myself being attractive to “average women” more than “pretty 10/10” women. I think personality matters over looks in this community, which gives some type of comfort and more confidence in myself.

People here are actually caring, they stand firm on their beliefs, and don’t change them whenever their favorite politician says so. They acknowledge the blunders a communist figure may have had and overcome it instead of making excuses for it. Communists aren’t phony, and are truly good people.

Also, you become more attractive being a ML. 😉 I personally think it’s because in this community, Marxists promote self-love and have ideologies that include self love and not changing yourself to fit the status quo. I noticed socialist figures such as Fred Hampton were very badass, and he didn’t care what others thought of him. He didn’t change his personality to be able to shake a corrupt politicians hand and be sexualized everywhere he goes. He didn’t change his word to prevent being “cancelled.” That man is inspiring.

Castro, Guevara, Stalin, Lenin, and others were mighty handsome too 😍

I might be wrong, I don’t know. Personally I can’t make a real idea of the link, it’s kind of a feeling, hard to explain properly. It’s like… A natural change in mindset without even thinking about it. You can compare your mindset between the present and past, but can’t make an accurate description of it.

I think you made a good job explaining it. Capitalism is deteriorating every sphere of our lifes

Also fuck yeah Fred Hampton is indeed badass and one of the main people to radicalize me.

Muad'Dibber
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What you’re going through is natural and normal, find someone you’re really interested in IRL and work to win their heart. It will take work and risk, but don’t delay, your happiness is worth it, and you’ll along the way you’ll discover just how much you have to offer someone.

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If you don’t want religious stuff, why do you care about having impure thoughts? Sex is pretty great

@Sunshiner
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You’re right, it’s great! :)) But who am I to agree? I’m a lonely virgin lol. I guess self-sex is great too lol. But it’s kinda taking over my brain, especially pornography. Have started that easypeasy book but never finished it. I might go back to it and finish it.

I would say that just because I don’t want religious stuff doesn’t mean I don’t want my mind to be free, but then you might be right. The words “impure thoughts” have a religious tone to it. I should change the title lol

@pinkeston
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With regards to pornography, just remember that most women are only doing sex work to be able to afford rent and food, not because they want to do it. They are getting their privacy violated and having sex with men they most likely would rather not have sex with just so they can make some money. Imagine how disgusted you would be if you had to have sex with somebody you didn’t want to have sex with. That’s what most female pornstars do for a living. Some men as well. That’s what you’re masturbating to

I really hope this doesn’t make you more turned on by porn though, who knows 💀

@holdengreen
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@SovereignState
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No judgmental attitude or vibe or anything is intended by what I’m gonna say, I’ve been where you are and maybe still am in some ways. I’m also speaking entirely from my experience and yours may be different. Pornography leads to brainrot, unironically (in my experience). For me, excessive pornography watching led to a pseudo-addiction that never really felt like addiction. I’d do it because I was bored. Eventually it gets to a point where you’re no longer really even having fun doing it, it feels like a mechanical interaction you’re having with yourself to release those sweet chemicals for a momentary blip, and then it’s gone. It also lead me to view damn near everyone I saw in a sexual light instead of treating them as a human being, more like a potential sex-haver. It’s unhealthy to view other people this way and leads to even more antisocial behaviors I think. After finishing, if you are aware of the conditions of the sex trade, you will likely also feel guilt. Maybe not.

For me, the act as it were became exponentially more fulfilling whenever I began allowing my imagination to do the work. It feels so much better and there is no guilt afterwards. Without pornbrain as well, I think doing it this way allows oneself to stop immediately viewing strangers/others as sex objects first and foremost but rather as people, and the impulsive thoughts will start to fade. It’s perfectly okay to view others sexually, but if sexual thoughts are becoming a problem, it is a good idea to examine your pornwatching habits and see if they might be affecting the way you think and exist.

Also, unironically, maybe try hentai. It may be detrimental to the brain for other reasons (I’m not sure), but I find that it alleviates the guilt and impulsive thoughts when engaging with others. Some comrades have made some good points regarding hentai. Probably a bad idea.

edit: this goes into other aspects of the sexual self, but this is one of if not my favorite article of all time. Just brilliant and beautiful, and had me rethinking sex after reading. https://www.midwesternmarx.com/articles/the-liberation-of-eros-by-yanis-iqbal

I’d say start slowly cutting down on the porn instead of going cold turkey.

Understand, first of all, that capitalist culture deals with the natural human desire for community by reframing it as sexual. The result is that, because of our constant social conditioning through media, daily conversations, etc., we tend to have a whole lot of “extra” horniness on top of our natural sexuality. My advice is to tell yourself, whenever you get unwanted sexual thoughts, that indulging won’t satisfy you, and that what you really want is to go out and build something with other people, or engage in some other form of nonsexual collective action. Then, ideally, go out and do a group activity. Now of course that isn’t always possible; as a teen I was isolated as well, and anyway, none of us are going to be asked to join a construction shock brigade and build the Bratsk Hydroelectric Plant anytime soon. So instead, do some mental and physical activity, like exercising or learning electronics, that will prepare you to better serve the people. Generally, make a habit of studying and reading to improve your mind. “Study perfects the revolutionary; and as there can be no perfect revolutionary, neither can there be any end of studying and learning” – Kim Jong-Un. Don’t just read politics; also be conversant with great literature and philosophy. All this help you reframe sexuality in a healthier way. Eventually, you’ll be able to distinguish real sexual desire from fake, superadded sexual desire that comes from capitalist conditioning. And the good thing is, real sexual desire is much easier to control: like real hunger vs. a craving for junk food.

I’d actually go against the advice of several comrades here and recommend that you not do things like erotic journaling. Right now especially, this will tend mostly to exacerbate the problem. Avoid porn; some people argue that porn isn’t inherently anti-Marxist (I think they’re wrong), but at the very least any porn you find is going to be capitalist, consumerist propaganda, that isn’t doing your brain or your sexuality any favors. Another thing often overlooked: limit your internet usage (I say on the internet), and try not to go on when you’re feeling horny. The whole internet is pornographic in the sense that it’s built on instant gratification without work.

Finally – avoid resentful thinking about the people you’re sexually attracted to. (This can be especially a problem for straight dudes). Yes, a lot of people in capitalist society do have unhealthy attitudes about sex, and some people will play games to drive you crazy. But remember, a lot of this is because they’re victims too. As Plato said, “be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Mao put it more succinctly: “love the people.” Your job is to improve yourself so you can help make things better for everyone else, and you can’t do it if you’re full of resentment.

@Sunshiner
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I absolutely love this response! When you mentioned that you were isolated when you was a teen, I felt connected and relatable. It’s amazing getting advice from someone who went through most of the things I’m going through. Thank you comrade! :))

I agree with you in the first point. I feel like capitalist culture tries to make a human’s need for communication, feeling of belong, and company from friends, into something sexual. I noticed the term “friends with benefits” have been on the rise. Like since when we decided to look at friends as potential sex buddies? I’m not against it, but something is fishy with its popularity…

So instead, do some mental and physical activity, like exercising or learning electronics, that will prepare you to better serve the people. Don’t just read politics; also be conversant with great literature and philosophy.

Before I became Marxist, the desire to study was at zero. I’m still trying to find the passion in it. I did love reading philosophy and literature. I think American schools teach children to hate reading by making them read materials that are not interesting. I’m slowly building up my desire to read again. The only thing I had passion to read in was self-help. I think I’ll start there and slowly go up to theory itself. I’m currently a baby Marxist, and I just can’t get the motivation to read theory. Well, we all start from somewhere :')) I’m sure after reading more self-help books, I’ll grow the love to read and move onto theory. After all, knowledge is power! :D

All this help you reframe sexuality in a healthier way. Eventually, you’ll be able to distinguish real sexual desire from fake, superadded sexual desire that comes from capitalist conditioning. And the good thing is, real sexual desire is much easier to control: like real hunger vs. a craving for junk food.

This actually helped me think of things in a different way. Could you elaborate more on this? What would be a real sexual desire example, and what would be a fake desire?

JucheBot1988
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What would be a real sexual desire example, and what would be a fake desire?

Honestly, it’s hard to give concrete examples, because these things differ so much from person to person. It’s more a feeling/mindset. If sex seems like the only thing that gives life meaning, and nothing else is interesting – in other words, if you regularly go through the day just waiting for the next sexual high – that’s usually not sexual desire as such, but a symptom of some underlying issue that needs to be resolved. Genuine sexual desire, on the other hand, tends to come and go. When you feel it, you want release, but you’re willing to wait for it, and you can recognize the desire as a kind of background “energy” that adds spice to your life rather than sapping it. It’s the difference between chowing down on a bowl of cheetos, and waiting for a fine steak or homemade pizza that’s cooking (and smelling delicious) in the other room.

I just can’t get the motivation to read theory

I would actually recommend that you not spend too much time reading theory right now. Like you said, it’s something that has to be worked up to. Good self-help books can be very useful. But also, don’t discount the value of fiction; remember, people like Lenin came out of an entire cultural matrix, which is to some extent reflected in the way they wrote. Many Russian short stories from the late 19th and early 20th are quite readable and engaging, plus they show humanity in the darkest places: my recommendations right off are The Death of Ivan Ilyich by Leo Tolstoy and Birth of a Man by Maxim Gorki, the founder of socialist realism in literature. Stay away from Tolstoy’s The Kreutzer Sonata, though (it appears in a lot of reading lists, but if you are struggling with sexuality, it will absolutely mess you up).

@Sunshiner
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Honestly, it’s hard to give concrete examples, because these things differ so much from person to person. It’s more a feeling/mindset. If sex seems like the only thing that gives life meaning, and nothing else is interesting – in other words, if you regularly go through the day just waiting for the next sexual high – that’s usually not sexual desire as such, but a symptom of some underlying issue that needs to be resolved. Genuine sexual desire, on the other hand, tends to come and go. When you feel it, you want release, but you’re willing to wait for it, and you can recognize the desire as a kind of background “energy” that adds spice to your life rather than sapping it. It’s the difference between chowing down on a bowl of cheetos, and waiting for a fine steak or homemade pizza that’s cooking (and smelling delicious) in the other room.

That’s a good way to think about it! I might need to add that in my life as a principle, definitely saving this comment!

I would actually recommend that you not spend too much time reading theory right now. Like you said, it’s something that has to be worked up to. Good self-help books can be very useful. But also, don’t discount the value of fiction; remember, people like Lenin came out of an entire cultural matrix, which is to some extent reflected in the way they wrote. Many Russian short stories from the late 19th and early 20th are quite readable and engaging, plus they show humanity in the darkest places: my recommendations right off are The Death of Ivan Ilyich by Leo Tolstoy and Birth of a Man by Maxim Gorki, the founder of socialist realism in literature. Stay away from Tolstoy’s The Kreutzer Sonata, though (it appears in a lot of reading lists, but if you are struggling with sexuality, it will absolutely mess you up).

Thank you for the recommendations! Adding them to my “to-read list” and will start on them soon!

Stay away from Tolstoy’s The Kreutzer Sonata, though (it appears in a lot of reading lists, but if you are struggling with sexuality, it will absolutely mess you up).

What is the last one about?

JucheBot1988
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The Kreutzer Sonata? It’s a pretty morbid story about a member of the Russian gentry who kills his wife. He claims absolute guilt at the trial, but is acquitted anyway. Tolstoy’s point is that the hypocrisy of the upper class, and the subjugation of women, leads to all sorts of unnatural crimes, but it’s expressed in a way which is… not particularly helpful.

@Sunshiner
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Holy cow that’s a hella dark story…

I go shoot down some virtual planes with a song about the red baron in the background. Clears my mind like bleach.

yea, I’m kinda in the same boat. It’s probably not a great Answer, but I personally prefer to exercise and read theory, the more I do it the more it’s on my mind, results may vary

If I were you, a few questions I’d ask myself would be: How often is “constant”? Does this frequency get in the way of other activities you enjoy? What do you find arousing and are those things dangerous to others or yourself? Does it make it difficult to engage others in a healthy manner? Is it interfering with your ability to have sexual relations with an existing partner? How does your activity shape your views of others?

How often is “constant”? Does this frequency get in the way of other activities you enjoy?

If you are only releasing once a day when single and not interested in anyone in particular, spending between 10-20 minutes a day (on average) on the activity and it doesn’t prevent you from engaging in other activities, then I would say it probably isn’t causing too much harm to your lifestyle. Also, getting a regular release can help tone down some aggression that might occur due to a buildup of hormones. Just don’t get reliant on it, because that can descend into dependency and interfere with your quality of life.

If it does interfere with daily life activities, then you’ll likely want to find alternative activities to engage in. Working out, meeting people, mental stimulation, even gaming if you are engaged. Go for walks, get and care for a pet, cook a meal, something to get your mind engaged. However, the best way is to go out and meet someone. If you are a minor, try to find ways to hang out with the person (or people if you are all polyamorous, though make sure everyone is aware and consents before trying this, and seek advice from experienced polys engaging in healthy relationships!), or if you are an adult, go on dates. If there isn’t anyone in your current circle who you are interested in and who is interested in you, dating apps are worth a shot. I’ve had a number of very fulfilling relationships and encounters through dating apps, just beware of the ones that are just swipe this way or that or are otherwise just superficial picture boards. Meeting with people and engaging in fulfilling sex with others is probably the among the best ways to curve porn or masturbation addictions.

What do you find arousing and are those things potentially dangerous to others or yourself?

I’m a hardcore fetishist personally, into BDSM and a few other fetishes I won’t specify here. Safety and consent are a huge deal in my relationship as a result of this, since many things can dip into dangerous if we aren’t careful. As for porn, many renditions inaccurately portray BDSM and fetish lifestyles and can lead newcomers to dangerous or unhealthy conclusions about it (while also spreading misconceptions to outsiders as well, increasing discrimination against us).

For most fetishes and kinks there are healthy ways to engage with them, with the obvious exceptions of things like pedophilia. Also, if you find you have inclinations towards those sorts of things, seek help now! You’ll likely want to search for “kink aware psychologists” or those that specialize in those sorts of inclinations, but beware of quacks. There are some that will wave rainbow flags and claim to be kink aware but proceed to shame you or engage in other dangerous practices. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to a specific psychologist or you find yourself dreading the experience, change therapists right away. Bad therapists are extremely dangerous!

But if what arouses you can be done safely without exploiting others and you enjoy your kinks and fetishes like I enjoy mine, then you need to find ways to enjoy them in a healthy way. Get creative! Erotica (erotic writing) can be a good source for inspiration and can stimulate the mind far better than a video. Pictures would likely be next, but be careful about the exploitation potentially involved with that just as in videos, which I would resort to last. Sexual games are a mixed bag, but interactive novels are often good (and easy to make your own!).

When it comes to dealing with real people about sex, whether kinky in nature or not, honesty, openness, and consent are absolutely important. And if you have kinks, by the universe do not hide your kinks from your partner ever! If your partner tries to kink shame you after revealing it to them, leave them! Trust me it’ll save a lot of heartache later. And it has been my experience that most people with whom you have an established relationship will be understanding. It may not be their cup o’ tea, but they are usually nice about it. And obviously return the courtesy, regardless of the other person’s kink.

While you are single, take some time to imagine what you would like to explore with future partners and look up anything you can about kinks and fetishes, even if you yourself don’t have any as of now. You might meet someone with a kink and it will help you to already have some understanding about it. Just be careful when doing this if you are trying to reduce how often you masturbate or get arousing thoughts since it may trigger them.

Does it make it difficult to engage others in a healthy manner? Is it interfering with your ability to have sexual relations with an existing partner? How does your activity shape your views of others?

If you are finding that you are viewing your friends in an exploitative or sexual manner when your relationship is platonic, then it may be time to look at how you are engaging with sex and porn, or your relationship with that person. Now, it is normal to develop attractions or occasionally have stray sexual thoughts about friends, but it should be an outlier, a strange event in your mind that you should be able to shake off. But when they are repetitive, they are problematic. That is when it shapes your behaviors around that person.

If you have a partner but are addicted to self sex, it will undoubtedly lower libido and your ability to engage sexually with that person. You will need to sit down and talk about it with that person, and if it can’t be resolved alone then you may need to seek professional help. The same advice applies here regarding your therapists as it did above, with the added caveat that it now involves your partner. Keep communicating and keep them involved. Listen to them, because they may be experiencing red flags with a particular therapist that you are not.

Anyway, I hope this helps. I know not all of what I said will apply to you, and that is okay. But it is good to make sure all bases are covered and I don’t know how many comrades here engage in alternative sexual lifestyles or even have safe words (which you should get some safe words even for “vanilla” sex, and encourage partners to as well. It is just good healthy behavior.). Of course, a lot of my advice is based on personal experience. I am not a professional. Lastly, I tried to make my advice a little more broad because porn and self sex if only a part of a whole, and the whole influences to part just as the part influences the whole.

If you have any questions, let me know! I enjoy talking about this kind of thing.

@Sunshiner
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Thank you for the info! A lot of it helped me out, especially the point about “sexualizing friends.” Due to me coming from a toxic household, being a loner most of my life, and dealing with both during quarantine, I often found myself gathering feelings for anyone that showed me the slightest amount of kindness, even eye contact. You did mention that it could be an outlier, which I agree! Because I would lose those feelings within two weeks.

My biggest problem is sexual thoughts. And one of my biggest triggers it is when I see two people arguing or fighting. It’s even worse when it’s two of the same gender, which I feel guilty of because it’s clearly blatant sexualization.

For most fetishes and kinks there are healthy ways to engage with them, with the obvious exceptions of things like pedophilia. Also, if you find you have inclinations towards those sorts of things, seek help now! You’ll likely want to search for “kink aware psychologists” or those that specialize in those sorts of inclinations, but beware of quacks. There are some that will wave rainbow flags and claim to be kink aware but proceed to shame you or engage in other dangerous practices. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to a specific psychologist or you find yourself dreading the experience, change therapists right away. Bad therapists are extremely dangerous!

Are there books that give knowledge on kinks and how to be healthy with them? I do have a few kinks that have come from childhood trauma. I heard that it’s normal, though I’m not sure.

Anyway, I hope this helps. I know not all of what I said will apply to you, and that is okay.

This response answered a lot of the questions I had in my head for some time about the future. Like what should I be looking forward to when discussing sex with a partner? I was a bit worried about a few things but you cleared them up! :)) I will save this comment for the future, thank you comrade!

Of course comrade! I’m relieved you were able to get something from what I said.

I often found myself gathering feelings for anyone that showed me the slightest amount of kindness, even eye contact.

This isn’t abnormal, especially with the effects of COVID as you yourself have experienced. I suspect meeting people will help alleviate this over time, even (or perhaps especially) normal non-romantic interactions in neutral settings. If you are spiritual, a place of worship may help, or for secular options local clubs for activities you are interested in. Book clubs, music lessons or bands, exercise and athletic groups, comedy clubs (just beware of reactionary venues), activist and political circles (get some praxis in too, bonus!), and other similar gatherings will likely resolve some of this. Of course do so safely, but meeting people frequently in a platonic environment will likely alleviate some of this as your mind makes new associations with friendly behavior.

And one of my biggest triggers it is when I see two people arguing or fighting. It’s even worse when it’s two of the same gender, which I feel guilty of because it’s clearly blatant sexualization.

Given your earlier context of having experienced traumas in youth, it sounds like talking with a “trauma aware psychologist” may help. Also, depending the severity of your mental health situation, there are some books that helped me with a variety of issues:

  • “How Not to Kill Yourself” by Set Sykes
  • “Unfuck Your Brain” by Faith G. Harper; PhD LPC-S ACS, and lots of titles
  • “Unfuck Your Intimacy” by Faith G. Harper; PhD LPC-S ACS, and lots of titles
  • “Unfuck Your Anger” by Faith G. Harper; PhD LPC-S ACS, and lots of titles
  • “Unfuck Your Boundaries: Build Better Relationships Through Consent, Communication, and Expressing Your Needs” by Faith G. Harper; PhD LPC-S ACS, and lots of titles
  • “Coping Skills” by Faith G. Harper; PhD LPC-S ACS, and lots of titles
  • “This is Your Brain on Anxiety” by Faith G. Harper; PhD LPC-S ACS, and lots of titles
  • “This is Your Brain on Depression” by Faith G. Harper; PhD LPC-S ACS, and lots of titles

So you can probably see that I have a particular author who has helped me a lot in understanding my mind and emotions, but I like her vulgarity and crassness (which I won’t be offended if you choose to avoid the books or find they aren’t helpful because of this factor, it just hits well with me is all), her sense of humor, and the way she explains things is pretty down to Earth. Also reading some books like this can help you prepare for meeting psychologists and hopefully learn a few things to look for in a therapist. It did for me, anyway, so I hope you can benefit as well.

Are there books that give knowledge on kinks and how to be healthy with them? I do have a few kinks that have come from childhood trauma. I heard that it’s normal, though I’m not sure.

It is relatively common, yeah, though I can’t say whether it was birthed by trauma or if you found certain things to assist with coping. For example, in middle school I was severely bullied and still have traumas from that, and for me pain became a coping mechanism. I used to punch walls made of durable materials like brick and stone specifically to bloody my hands and engage in flagellation. Was it because I was a masochist that I found those cathartic or might it be that I found that cathartic which made me into a masochist? I’m not sure which direction the relationship flows with that one, and it is the same for many in the kink community I’ve talked to.

As for reading material about kink, I’ll need to wait until I get home to get my titles and authors and all that, especially since right now I am at work and can’t go around searching certain things. I’ll edit this post and ping you in a comment to this post once I’ve updated it though.

Like what should I be looking forward to when discussing sex with a partner?

Biggest thing is to be honest and open while being receptive to your partner’s kinks. And if that partner lists a surprising kink, it is best to not kink shame, even in the extreme cases. If there is a chance there might be a victim if left unaddressed, it might help to encourage a person get help and support them on their journey. If there are victimless ways something can be explored, then it might help to explore those routes. I once allowed a partner to play with me while I slept under the conditions that we are both sober when they did. I trusted that person a lot and we had a good relationship, so I gave consent which they understood could be rescinded at any time. This was after a long period of time developing this relationship and felt safe with this person. This allowed them to explore aspects of certain kinks and I learned a lot about myself as well. That said, consent is very important in a situation like that. I was very specific and the terms of our relationship was in writing in detail, which is common in BDSM relationships. It was document over 20 pages in length with everything we could think of that was okay and not okay, our safe words, how we addressed one another, hard limits, acceptable punishments, what is and is not punishable, how we communicate, etc. The document was constantly being changed, added to, and edited as we explored more and discovered more about each other, ourselves, and kink as a whole. Though the relationship ended due to life circumstances, I hold no regrets about any of it and would change nothing about that time, and have heard from them the same feedback. Our relationship is now platonic and we are comfortable confiding in each other when needed.

@Samubai
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Well, try not to think of thoughts as pure or impure. This is a puritanical, Christian idea. The East has a much better tradition dealing with the subconscious.

There is no such thing as a wrong thought. Your brain makes images from your subconscious and you see that subconscious replayed as thoughts, you then choose an emotional response to these thoughts and then you decide on the action that derives from the emotion.

The best way to get a hold of your emotional reaction to your thoughts is to notice that a thought is not an action. Hence, intrusive thoughts don’t lead to murder or whatever. So become more self-aware, and then when you notice a pattern of thought and you can notice what kinds of thoughts trigger these emotions, you can begin to make a rational and conscious decision to settle down, but you must be able to choose that. You can always calm yourself(even just a bit) if you are capable of meditating.

Another point: simplify your conscious experience. In the west, it is common to relate complexity with sophistication or intelligence. Hence, “German engineering!”

No. Complexity for the sake of complexity is a waste of energy and time.

Rely on your imagination. You don’t need to look at porn to get off. What do you think your grandpa or great grandpa jerked off to! Probs a pinup girl, lol. Hit on someone you haven’t gone up to, draw a dirty picture, lift weights, or write instead of looking at porn. This horniness is really an internal subconscious drive to create. See, you are mistaking impure thoughts for a youthful creative energy. It must be expended or expressed somehow. Or it will lash out in self-loathing and unhealthy obsession. Take charge of your life and make the decision of what you want to create.

Read the Tao te Ching. As you read it, think about how it relates to your thought patterns.

Hope this helps.

@Sunshiner
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Thank you! This really helped me change perspective on things! I heard of “Tao te Ching” but never finished reading it. This reply motivated me to get back into it. At one point in my life I did use writing to get sexual thoughts out of my head, but they kept on coming back. I would often find a sexual thought and write it down then delete it. I don’t know why I stopped this. I always thought this act was making it worse.

Rely on your imagination. You don’t need to look at porn to get off. What do you think your grandpa or great grandpa jerked off to!

In the easypeasy book I read a little about, they mentioned that imagination might make it worse. And honestly masturbation is boring without imagination. However, I do agree with this point!

This horniness is really an internal subconscious drive to create

Would I need to find a way to channel this energy into something better? Everytime I think of this feeling as something else, it creates an anxious feeling…

No. Complexity for the sake of complexity is a waste of energy and time.

Where’d you learn this? I’ve been searching for Eastern and other parts of the world thinking of certain things like this because I feel that the Western way of thinking is messed up.

Hit on someone you haven’t gone up to

THATS SO EASY FOR YOU TO SAY 😭 ugh thinking about hitting on my crush is making me freak out a bit 😢 especially because she’s most likely straight 😔

damn i hate being a teenager

@Samubai
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Yeah, it is tough. I had tough teenage years. I don’t miss it, lol. It’s probably relatively normal to go through that.

As far as learning about simplicity; I derive it from most of the texts from Lao Tzu and the Guangzhou and even Sun Tzu. It’s mostly implied in their texts, sometimes directly said.

Haha, talking to crushes can be difficult! At first. There are so many people, that rejection is more about experiencing it in order to get used to it. Rejection is just part of life. We can suffer deeply, or learn to move on. It sucks getting rejected or even dealing with the possibility. Sometimes, talking to your crush reveals their human(flawed) aspects. If they’re rude, or mean, selfish, harsh. But if you can, just think about that nervousness as excitement. You will look back and see that it’s actually so cool that you were learning all this stuff, it’s all brand new to you. That comes with its draw backs fo sho, but you’re just learning! It’s okay to make mistakes 👍

Yeah, definitely take it or leave it, I’m just sharing what helped me :)

@Sunshiner
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Thank you! This response has inspired me. Rejection is apart of the process, and I shouldn’t avoid it. I should take it as a learning experiences. Thank you for sharing the authors, I think I read a little of Lao Tzu, which was the art of war, correct me if I’m wrong.

I have talked to an old crush before, and she was the opposite of what I expected, thus destroying all my feelings, we became friends though, only for a short time because I won’t see her again pretty much :')). Also talked to another crush and didn’t really like her personality. I feel that my crushes are based on physical attraction, and I might have false ideas in my head of that person, which keeps my crushes going. I don’t know my crush, but yet I still have strong feelings for her. I feel that if I talk to her I might just be able to get rid of them.

@Samubai
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Yes! It was Sun Tzu, art of war :)

Just don’t forget to feel what you are feeling as fully and as consciously as possible. The point is to let the emotions wash over you like waves. They’re not something to resist, but fleeting moments, since we lack their complete control, but we can decide how we react. Instead of reacting it is better to anticipate and be prepared for those intense emotions to make the healthiest decision.

You can make the decision if you do something about your crush. It’s okay if you decide not to pursue, but if you don’t pursue the crush, move on. Otherwise, you’re literally torturing yourself in limbo. Don’t torture yourself. You deserve peace of mind :) So, get over her, if you wish. But that means you avoid the thought and the sight of her as much as you realistically can. Give yourself the space to get over her, mourn the end of your crush.

Notice, that your strong feelings toward her cannot be love. Love takes a long time, and love is deep commitment. A crush may be based around many things. It may be lust, or naive infatuation, maybe she’s just really attractive to you. That’s all fine, but be aware of it. What is the depth of this crush? My standard is that a 10/10 physical looks is only 5/10 as dating material. I want nothing to do with someone that’s only superficial.

@Sunshiner
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Ah! Sun Tzu! How did I miss that 😅

Just don’t forget to feel what you are feeling as fully and as consciously as possible. The point is to let the emotions wash over you like waves. They’re not something to resist, but fleeting moments, since we lack their complete control, but we can decide how we react. Instead of reacting it is better to anticipate and be prepared for those intense emotions to make the healthiest decision.

That’s a great way to think about it! I will definitely give this a try. Thank you comrade! :))

You can make the decision if you do something about your crush. It’s okay if you decide not to pursue, but if you don’t pursue the crush, move on. Otherwise, you’re literally torturing yourself in limbo. Don’t torture yourself. You deserve peace of mind :) So, get over her, if you wish. But that means you avoid the thought and the sight of her as much as you realistically can. Give yourself the space to get over her, mourn the end of your crush.

This is my biggest goal. I just feel that the crush is pointless. You’re right, there’s no use in pursuing it. I am basically torturing myself and feeding delusions in my head with romantic songs making it worse. This message has motivated and inspired me. I do have the power over my mind, and I shouldn’t let feelings control me. I’ll try to avoid her sight.

You can make the decision if you do something about your crush. It’s okay if you decide not to pursue, but if you don’t pursue the crush, move on. Otherwise, you’re literally torturing yourself in limbo. Don’t torture yourself. You deserve peace of mind :) So, get over her, if you wish. But that means you avoid the thought and the sight of her as much as you realistically can. Give yourself the space to get over her, mourn the end of your crush.

Well said! I prefer personality as a priority over looks. Looks aren’t nothing if there’s no personality. I’ve seen people that were 10s and seemed uninteresting to me because of personality. I’m assuming my feelings for her might be naive infatuation combined with her being attractive. She’s quite average but somehow she gives a “aura.” Maybe I’m being delusional. Someone has given me an article on spiritual bypassing. Might be letting spirituality get to my head.

@Samubai
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Haha, finding someone attractive sometimes doesn’t have that much rationality. I’m glad you can find some use in my words. These are the things I wish someone had told me when I was younger.

@Munrock
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Don’t think of it as ‘hitting on’ her, rather think of it as talking to her.

If you have to go out of your way to find things to talk about, that might feel awks but it’s fine. She’ll notice it too, that you’re going out of your way. It’s a respectful way to show interest.

@Sunshiner
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I found that changing your mindset is extremely helpful. Instead of thinking “wow i would love to hold her hand, watch the sunset, then kiss her” I would think “I should go up to her with the intentions of being friends. Maybe we could become best friends, and maybe go places together and have fun!!” It helps me become more confident, but I still can’t bring myself to. She hangs around a crowd I don’t particularly like… It wouldn’t work out unless we’re friends in secret.

@holdengreen
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I’m 20 year old virgin and live pretty secluded. Been there. But also there is a difference between lust and what’s actually involved emotionally imo.

There are a lot of ways to meet nice partners like at conventions for example maybe… just find something really fun to do with a lot of other people your age…

don’t get into too much trouble tho you might regret it.

@darkcalling
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Creative erotic writing can help with giving yourself an outlet that’s healthy. You can write yourself or find stories written by others.

IMO framing sexuality/sexual thoughts as “impure” is wrong and unhelpful. At the most you might frame it as a lack of discipline but understand it’s very normal to have sexual thoughts, desires, fantasies (even dark ones at times). You just need to be constructive with how you deal with this rather than destructive. Some horny young men for instance get frustrated that women don’t reward them with sex for existing and their course of destruction is inceldom and constant fantasy that turns ugly and hateful rather than fixing themselves. So I think you have to put it in its place. It’s fine to be horny, to indulge in sexual health habits for release. It’s not fine for it to totally consume your life. Have a space for eroticism, sex, fantasy, kink, but also have a space for exercise, for self-improvement, for reading, for socializing, for having a hobby, etc. As long as you keep life balanced, don’t retreat into sexual obsession at the expense of the rest of your life I don’t think this is a problem.

But do practice self-control. Keep in mind consent. That women are people not objects for pleasure. That all people for that matter are.

If there are truly troublesome things that trigger negative behaviors or extremely damaging thoughts/thought patterns you might try avoiding them. Social media for instance, focusing intensely on negative things and loneliness. Real life pornography is far from the only way to receive stimulation.

Sorry, asexual, never heard of it, you have my coincidence…

Someday we’ll make a drug that allows anyone to have this without getting osteoporosis

Everyone becomes asexual? Can’t wait, and also to reproduce through mitosis like lizards and Komodo Dragons! Also, what’s osteoporosis?

@mlcolo
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well…as a kinda coomer myself, is pretty hard. but you have to seek for more intellectual pursuits, and going into some hobbies who help you to deal with your free time. maybe take some time to read theory, learn to programming, or creative stuff

@Bobbycostner
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Get Self Committed!
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