I need serious help, comrades. I thought I was doing better, maybe I was lying to myself, maybe I’m insane, I don’t know.
All I know is I’ve spent far too much money on drugs, doing them super often, and in places I shouldn’t be. Anything I could afford.
I’m so down and so dysfunctional that I am struggling to hold down jobs or do much of anything without the aid of being fucked up. Last night I got so demolished (ketamine + weed) that I couldn’t function around my girlfriend. It was embarrassing. I was having full on schizophrenic like experiences and the worst self esteem issues I’ve ever experienced and I realized that I was fucking my life and body up and headed down a very dark path. Said some embarrassing shit too.
I feel like such a loser. Not for finally getting help but for where I put myself and just I don’t know
I’m sorry everyone
If anyone has anything inspirational or anything to say I’d appreciate it because I’m in a spiral right now
I still feel like I’m in the void
Is this forever because it feels like it’s already been forever
Feel you comrade. Having different issues, but felt much the same the past 2 years. I was doing so damn well for a couple years facing so many of my demons and overcoming them, then 2020 rolled around and that year was gut punch after gut punch and I spiralled ever since, forgot all my healthy coping, my boundaries, everything.
Not telling you this to make it about myself, but I just want you to know I had some breakthrough moment that made me snap out of this whole spiral a couple weeks ago - it’s trivial as, but might help you too:
Just have you thought at all recently that this mountain of darkness, of self-loathing, of negativity is not you, but just something you were made to believe is you?
Again, trivial as. I just had totally forgotten who I am and that I am not my struggles, my anxieties, etc. Maybe you can remember that too. That you aren’t your problems and whatever demons that pushed you to do all the things you’re doing. Something imposed those maladaptive coping strategies on you. Your real you is just trying to protect itself, but it is so much more than addiction, than depression and fears. Maybe you can remember there’s that real you in you and it is hurting and in need of help and care, from you and others, and is deserving of it too. Give that you a hug, tell it it’s fine too hurt and it’s fine to not cope well. Care for it by going to therapy and make sure you stay in touch with it
Thank you, my friend. That is good advice.
I hope you are well. I love you comrade
You’re welcome, comrade. Much love to you too. If you’re ever feeling down again and want to vent, feel free to send a PM.
I like the concept of maladaptive coping mechanisms as things that kept us alive for a long time but are now hurting us that we have the chance of better options. Nobody’s stupid for choosing drugs when the choice was that or dying.
To me - and many others I’ve talked to - it’s just a tremendously empowering way to look at it. It allows distance to these behaviours, but also to approach them with compassion. Beating ourselves up for our flaws just destroys us. Accepting that we had difficult times that demanded certain defence mechanisms to survive (emotionally) and that those defence mechanisms are now detrimental and not needed anymore can even be a source of pride.
Nobody’s stupid for choosing drugs when the choice was that or dying.
Exactly. Fleeing from, avoiding, shutting down because of abuse is perfectly valid and even healthy. Nobody’s stupid or a loser for chosing whatever strategy was necessary to survive. Just these strategies tend to become detrimental in not-survival situations. No shame in that though
Seconded to this. I’m currently in overwork hellmode and so I’ve been doing drugs, eating poorly, being a little shit asshole sometimes, driving fast etc. I know that over a long period of time these behaviors will slowly warp me into something bad and bite me gravely, but I know while things are tough and will be for the next 2-4 months that it’s okay to be a little shit asshole if trying to maintain a rigid, healthy lifestyle hurts more at the moment.
My original comment got eaten so I’m gonna rewrite it.
You already did the hardest step which is facing yourself and not denying anymore that you need help, so it will be relatively easier from this point.
Can you try mending things with your girlfriend before starting too? It will clear your mind to focus on the therapy and it’s just good to talk things out and not let them fester into resentment.
I really hope things go well for you and that your wellbeing improves by doing this. Good luck ❤️
Yeah, that is an important piece.
She wasn’t mad really, just worried for me and wanted to help. I apologized and we are going to the gym together and spending the rest of the day with each other just talking and making some of our favorite foods. I didn’t say anything mean, just brutally honest about my mental state right now that I’m ashamed of (I know I probably shouldn’t be but I can’t help it)
Thank you, my friend. I really hope this works. I’m going to keep trying for my family, girlfriend, and the revolution. <3
deleted by creator
Wow, I’m really happy to hear that.
Yeah. It sort of clicked after last night when I just felt like I was ruining everything around me.
I appreciate your comment, and yes, a better life is possible.
Love <3
deleted by creator
Ah I’m seeing this post after your other comment. Good to see you are actually starting treatment. I hope it can give you the tools to deal with your struggles.
Going to treatment is a hard step for many and you should be proud that you’re taking it. You seem to be willing to change, that’s important. But remember: it’s a marathon you’re doing now, not a sprint. It’s not going to magically get better after 1 or 2 sessions and it will require work. But as long as you are able to open up and follow through, you will get out of it a better person, I promise.
And for something inspirational: I myself have dealt with years of drug and alcohol abuse. I even dealt hard drugs to finance my lifestyle of partying and destroying myself. I was on a path to be a lifelong criminal and to destroy myself with drugs. Many times did it seem hopeless when I looked at the future. And many times did I try to end my life because of it. I’ve hit absolute rock bottom and I’ve stayed there for a long long time.
But I managed to turn it around. By myself, with help from my friends and family and, importantly, with therapy. It was a hard road to where I am now, with some dangers of falling back, but I made it. And nothing will knock me back down now.
If I could do it, you sure can. We’re here for you.
No worries. Yeah, it’s pretty much necessity at this point if I want to keep a job, join an organization, and just stay alive in general.
I am, I really just want to have a happy life. I trust you and the process.
I am sorry to hear that, but very glad that you’re still here and doing better. Thank you, my friend. You all are amazing
I hope you find peace :)
You’ve been lovely whenever we’ve interacted on this site O:-)
Drink water and stretch
No idea how healthy it is, but being ashamed of the way I used to be when I was “more mentally ill” has helped me keep in check.
A lot of the dissociation you’re feeling might be more related to drugs than any organic function of your “natural brain”. So, you’re not crazy and it’s not forever.
Yeah, I am sure when things are better I will look back with disgust at my lifestyle now.
That is probably true. I just have been fucked up for most of my waking hours for a while now so it’s hard to remember what it was like not feeling permanently fried.
All I can personally recommend is guided “body scan” meditations and stream of consciousness journalling. But any activity that helps you ground to reality would be helpful.
Enjoy this meme that I’ve found funny when struggling with mental illness as a communist:
Lmao. Love you panic
Stealing as I cackle and rub my hands
I use hexbear too much for this lmfao
deleted by creator
deleted by creator
Hey comrade, I can relate. I’ve been there, and still am in a way because it’s a constant struggle not to fall back into old, bad habits. The more effort we put into changing our habits, the easier it gets over time, but then BAM we get triggered and if we’re not ready we trip and we’re back in that place again.
I’m not an expert by any means, but I’ll share what works for me and hopefully it helps you in some way. I have an idea in my mind of the ideal person I want to be. It gives me a reference point to strive towards. I also have a very strict schedule that I follow that puts me on track to achieving that goal. If I deviate from that schedule then I know I’m off track and I need to fix something.
I still do drugs, mainly just smoke weed, but this works into my schedule by only doing them on weekends, and usually only at night so I can be productive throughout the day. This gives my body at least four days to recover and allow me to be my best at work. I still get tempted to smoke during the week, but having planned activities and a strict sleep schedule helps fight off those temptations.
The hardest part is starting. Once we have momentum by doing the right things consistently, it becomes much easier. I also never want to go back to that place, so having those dark memories in mind helps me resist the urge to give in.
I hope that helps. Feel free to reach out if you wanna talk!
There’s already great support here so I will just say that you can do it, plain and simple. I’ve been so depressed I was dully suicidal for years. My girlfriend was a heroin addict. I’ve known people who were homeless. Me and many had terrible personality afflictions due to abuse or similar experiences, affecting our esteem and behavior and all the rest. It IS possible to escape the black hole. It IS possible to wake up in a few years and realize your life is substantially better. It’s not easy and it’s a matter of 1000000 small battles, not any one singular moment. From what little I know of you you, like all our comrades here, are very smart and considerate and I know you have the will within you. I don’t know what is necessary for you to try and build a better life for yourself but I know that you are capable of determining that and achieving it.
Remember that these bad feelings are like a fog that make everything seem like shit, always has been and always will be, but that is not the truth, it is an illusion, a spell of sorts. It helped me to externalize my demons and treat them like foreign saboteurs who feed off my suffering; I don’t know what you believe in or what you can or need to believe in, but find it, find what works, by any means necessary.
As always, I’m terribly inconsistent, and I only check my notifications once every blue moon or less, but if you need to talk hmu because I can talk it all!
Adding to what others of said, you need to heal yourself, a lot. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I suggest guided meditation. Here’s one for you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTD6tUJpNJc
No need to apologize, you are taking steps to heal yourself. Beginning that journey is its own monumental task, and you are infinitely strong for taking it. You are a delight here, my wish is that there is a day when you can feel positive about yourself. Remember, you are never alone, ever.
😖☺️ Thank you
I’ve been there… I’m sorry you’re in that hell.
I will say it’s possible to have a normal life without the drugs with determination, honesty, and some luck.
I’m sober almost 5 years from my drugs of choice and life is incomparably better than it was for the 15 years prior. The same will be true for you if you never give up.
Use the tools they give you but remember they will only work if you make them work for you.
Best of luck on your journey onwards!
deleted by creator
deleted by creator
