I need serious help, comrades. I thought I was doing better, maybe I was lying to myself, maybe I’m insane, I don’t know.
All I know is I’ve spent far too much money on drugs, doing them super often, and in places I shouldn’t be. Anything I could afford.
I’m so down and so dysfunctional that I am struggling to hold down jobs or do much of anything without the aid of being fucked up. Last night I got so demolished (ketamine + weed) that I couldn’t function around my girlfriend. It was embarrassing. I was having full on schizophrenic like experiences and the worst self esteem issues I’ve ever experienced and I realized that I was fucking my life and body up and headed down a very dark path. Said some embarrassing shit too.
I feel like such a loser. Not for finally getting help but for where I put myself and just I don’t know
I’m sorry everyone
If anyone has anything inspirational or anything to say I’d appreciate it because I’m in a spiral right now
I still feel like I’m in the void
Is this forever because it feels like it’s already been forever
Feel you comrade. Having different issues, but felt much the same the past 2 years. I was doing so damn well for a couple years facing so many of my demons and overcoming them, then 2020 rolled around and that year was gut punch after gut punch and I spiralled ever since, forgot all my healthy coping, my boundaries, everything.
Not telling you this to make it about myself, but I just want you to know I had some breakthrough moment that made me snap out of this whole spiral a couple weeks ago - it’s trivial as, but might help you too:
Just have you thought at all recently that this mountain of darkness, of self-loathing, of negativity is not you, but just something you were made to believe is you?
Again, trivial as. I just had totally forgotten who I am and that I am not my struggles, my anxieties, etc. Maybe you can remember that too. That you aren’t your problems and whatever demons that pushed you to do all the things you’re doing. Something imposed those maladaptive coping strategies on you. Your real you is just trying to protect itself, but it is so much more than addiction, than depression and fears. Maybe you can remember there’s that real you in you and it is hurting and in need of help and care, from you and others, and is deserving of it too. Give that you a hug, tell it it’s fine too hurt and it’s fine to not cope well. Care for it by going to therapy and make sure you stay in touch with it
I like the concept of maladaptive coping mechanisms as things that kept us alive for a long time but are now hurting us that we have the chance of better options. Nobody’s stupid for choosing drugs when the choice was that or dying.
To me - and many others I’ve talked to - it’s just a tremendously empowering way to look at it. It allows distance to these behaviours, but also to approach them with compassion. Beating ourselves up for our flaws just destroys us. Accepting that we had difficult times that demanded certain defence mechanisms to survive (emotionally) and that those defence mechanisms are now detrimental and not needed anymore can even be a source of pride.
Exactly. Fleeing from, avoiding, shutting down because of abuse is perfectly valid and even healthy. Nobody’s stupid or a loser for chosing whatever strategy was necessary to survive. Just these strategies tend to become detrimental in not-survival situations. No shame in that though
Seconded to this. I’m currently in overwork hellmode and so I’ve been doing drugs, eating poorly, being a little shit asshole sometimes, driving fast etc. I know that over a long period of time these behaviors will slowly warp me into something bad and bite me gravely, but I know while things are tough and will be for the next 2-4 months that it’s okay to be a little shit asshole if trying to maintain a rigid, healthy lifestyle hurts more at the moment.
Thank you, my friend. That is good advice.
I hope you are well. I love you comrade
You’re welcome, comrade. Much love to you too. If you’re ever feeling down again and want to vent, feel free to send a PM.