Wow, one small interaction and it shook me to my core. My social anxiety is absolutely debilitating that even this seconds long debacle messed me up a little bit.
So the next provincial election is happening in May so I guess MLA candidates are making their rounds campaigning for themselves and the party they represent. The person who came to my door was part of the Conservative Party.
As a person he seemed nice, I guess, and I don’t know what it is about me but I feel terrible hurting other’s feelings even when they are evil or working for evil. It’s something I am actively combating but when it comes to real life altercations I freeze up, go back to my people pleasing ways, and try to end the interaction as soon as possible.
The conversations went as followed:
“Hello, the election is happening in May, are you a voter?”
“Yes I am.”
“Cool, I’m so-and-so, running for MLA of this area and with the United Cons. Do you have a few minutes to chat?”
“Well, I will be voting in May soooo (Just trying to make this end)”
“ Can I just leave this pamphlet with you?”
“Yes, of course! (I tend to be overly nice and friendly, which I want to change)”
“Great! Can I count on your support?”
At this point I hesitated and wanted so badly to tell him I was a communist but I was so scared. So I let my fear take over and went nice mode again.
“Uh…. Maybe?”
“Sounds like a no, but that’s alright! something about election stuff have a good day!”
He left and I was shaken. I know it’s silly but I grew up having to please others no matter what. While I am actively working on assertiveness and not falling back into those habits in therapy, in moments as random as this I freeze, short-circuit. I guess the whole friendly demeanour just made me feel bad. I mean, he’s working with the enemy, no matter how cute his dog is and how happy his family seems on the pamphlet, the policies he supports hurts others.
I recycled his pamphlet and am just stewing in regret. I need to better prepare myself for these moments, I don’t want to be so passive. Next time I’m just going to say what I wanted to the whole time: “I’m a communist” it’s not rude, it’s the truth.
Note to self: Stop letting your fear stop you from being yourself and advocating for your comrades.
Something similae happened to me once. Some Jehova Witnesses came to my door, I have really long hair and I just took a shower so my hair was wet, loosen and I had like the gayest clothes, and he stsrted telling me some bible quotes which honestly I agree because they seemed like representations of capitalism which he criticized, and he seemed like very happy someone payed him attention and asked me if he could come over other day. I didn’t panicked but it wasnt nice either,
It is hard feeling that way, I kind of do the same some times, but I think it is something you can get over, keep the therapy and try to get over it progressivelt I think is a good idea, but pay attwntion to what the therapist says. Good luck comrade.
I feel the same way. I’ve learned to hide myself to avoid suspicion.
I’ve grown to letting these people talk about whatever the hell they want for as long as they want. I’ll actively listen, act kind, show interest. Then eventually they ask me something, i.e. “what do you believe?”
“Oh, I’m a communist.”
More often than not shakes them to their very core. Sunk-cost fallacy might lead them to digging in deeper. Outright fear might have them dip from the conversation. Nine times out of ten, though, they’re just surprised and curious to learn more. I am not what they were told a communist is, a horned devil figure just waiting to steal their souls or whatever.
You get better at parsing what’s a worthwhile conversation and what’s not as you experience them more and get older. I understand your current anxiety and have experienced it, too, but I’ve also grown more confident in my understanding of my beliefs and know that - not to sound too autofellatic - most conservatives/liberals approaching me are far less confident and informed in what they believe or are preaching.
Unpaid proselytizers, especially of the religious variety, I just like to fuck with, wearing provocative clothing and piercings and letting them ramble before I tell em I’m a commie atheist. Democratic canvassers I usually just take their pamphlet or sign their petition because it’s often paid gig work for them and I’d like to make it easy on em. Republicans and fascists I have started telling to fuck off and slamming the door in their face. Once told a right-to-work petitioner that if he actually supported workers he’d throw his petition in the garbage.
The fascists still leave shit in my mailbox but I ain’t seen one knocking in a while lol. Maybe they know how I’ll react, still pisses me off how much paper and plastic they’re wasting on a lost cause.
(for anyone unaware, “right-to-work” in the states refers to legislation that eviscerates unions, making union dues optional by law and reinforcing at-will employment standards where you can get fired for literally any reason without any recourse. It’s vile.)
Everyone adapts in different ways. For some people owning their ideology makes sense, for others hiding it does. For some feinting happiness works, for others it doesn’t. Adaptions change over time to match the situations we face, the only trend that should really be pursued is pragmatism. Whatever works. I wouldn’t worry about it too much, just be sensible about it.
Even having the person talk to me would throw me off for the rest of the day. There was recently someone handing out business cards for some new business they started, and when they came up to my gate, I froze and didn’t know what to do. Eventually, they just put it in the mailbox and left. I definitely understand what you feel. I have such a severe case of social anxiety that I don’t even know how to combat it, because to do that, I’d have to talk to people more, and I can barely handle one conversation a day with a stranger, even if they start the conversation and do all the work.
I would try to turn the tables and put the pressure on them. Challenge their platform and poke holes in it. It shouldn’t be too hard considering how ineffectual right-wing policies are for most people. Maybe if you’re lucky you’ll get them thinking.
It sounds like you’ve taken a step in the right direction with answering the door and engaging them at least. A lot of people I know can’t even get that far these days.
Just take it one step at a time. So long as you keep trying, you’re bound to make progress eventually! This is only truly a setback if you give up on trying.
