Wow, one small interaction and it shook me to my core. My social anxiety is absolutely debilitating that even this seconds long debacle messed me up a little bit.

So the next provincial election is happening in May so I guess MLA candidates are making their rounds campaigning for themselves and the party they represent. The person who came to my door was part of the Conservative Party.

As a person he seemed nice, I guess, and I don’t know what it is about me but I feel terrible hurting other’s feelings even when they are evil or working for evil. It’s something I am actively combating but when it comes to real life altercations I freeze up, go back to my people pleasing ways, and try to end the interaction as soon as possible.

The conversations went as followed:

“Hello, the election is happening in May, are you a voter?”

“Yes I am.”

“Cool, I’m so-and-so, running for MLA of this area and with the United Cons. Do you have a few minutes to chat?”

“Well, I will be voting in May soooo (Just trying to make this end)”

“ Can I just leave this pamphlet with you?”

“Yes, of course! (I tend to be overly nice and friendly, which I want to change)”

“Great! Can I count on your support?”

At this point I hesitated and wanted so badly to tell him I was a communist but I was so scared. So I let my fear take over and went nice mode again.

“Uh…. Maybe?”

“Sounds like a no, but that’s alright! something about election stuff have a good day!”

He left and I was shaken. I know it’s silly but I grew up having to please others no matter what. While I am actively working on assertiveness and not falling back into those habits in therapy, in moments as random as this I freeze, short-circuit. I guess the whole friendly demeanour just made me feel bad. I mean, he’s working with the enemy, no matter how cute his dog is and how happy his family seems on the pamphlet, the policies he supports hurts others.

I recycled his pamphlet and am just stewing in regret. I need to better prepare myself for these moments, I don’t want to be so passive. Next time I’m just going to say what I wanted to the whole time: “I’m a communist” it’s not rude, it’s the truth.

Note to self: Stop letting your fear stop you from being yourself and advocating for your comrades.