Wow, one small interaction and it shook me to my core. My social anxiety is absolutely debilitating that even this seconds long debacle messed me up a little bit.
So the next provincial election is happening in May so I guess MLA candidates are making their rounds campaigning for themselves and the party they represent. The person who came to my door was part of the Conservative Party.
As a person he seemed nice, I guess, and I don’t know what it is about me but I feel terrible hurting other’s feelings even when they are evil or working for evil. It’s something I am actively combating but when it comes to real life altercations I freeze up, go back to my people pleasing ways, and try to end the interaction as soon as possible.
The conversations went as followed:
“Hello, the election is happening in May, are you a voter?”
“Yes I am.”
“Cool, I’m so-and-so, running for MLA of this area and with the United Cons. Do you have a few minutes to chat?”
“Well, I will be voting in May soooo (Just trying to make this end)”
“ Can I just leave this pamphlet with you?”
“Yes, of course! (I tend to be overly nice and friendly, which I want to change)”
“Great! Can I count on your support?”
At this point I hesitated and wanted so badly to tell him I was a communist but I was so scared. So I let my fear take over and went nice mode again.
“Uh…. Maybe?”
“Sounds like a no, but that’s alright! something about election stuff have a good day!”
He left and I was shaken. I know it’s silly but I grew up having to please others no matter what. While I am actively working on assertiveness and not falling back into those habits in therapy, in moments as random as this I freeze, short-circuit. I guess the whole friendly demeanour just made me feel bad. I mean, he’s working with the enemy, no matter how cute his dog is and how happy his family seems on the pamphlet, the policies he supports hurts others.
I recycled his pamphlet and am just stewing in regret. I need to better prepare myself for these moments, I don’t want to be so passive. Next time I’m just going to say what I wanted to the whole time: “I’m a communist” it’s not rude, it’s the truth.
Note to self: Stop letting your fear stop you from being yourself and advocating for your comrades.
Something similae happened to me once. Some Jehova Witnesses came to my door, I have really long hair and I just took a shower so my hair was wet, loosen and I had like the gayest clothes, and he stsrted telling me some bible quotes which honestly I agree because they seemed like representations of capitalism which he criticized, and he seemed like very happy someone payed him attention and asked me if he could come over other day. I didn’t panicked but it wasnt nice either,
It is hard feeling that way, I kind of do the same some times, but I think it is something you can get over, keep the therapy and try to get over it progressivelt I think is a good idea, but pay attwntion to what the therapist says. Good luck comrade.