Wow, one small interaction and it shook me to my core. My social anxiety is absolutely debilitating that even this seconds long debacle messed me up a little bit.
So the next provincial election is happening in May so I guess MLA candidates are making their rounds campaigning for themselves and the party they represent. The person who came to my door was part of the Conservative Party.
As a person he seemed nice, I guess, and I don’t know what it is about me but I feel terrible hurting other’s feelings even when they are evil or working for evil. It’s something I am actively combating but when it comes to real life altercations I freeze up, go back to my people pleasing ways, and try to end the interaction as soon as possible.
The conversations went as followed:
“Hello, the election is happening in May, are you a voter?”
“Yes I am.”
“Cool, I’m so-and-so, running for MLA of this area and with the United Cons. Do you have a few minutes to chat?”
“Well, I will be voting in May soooo (Just trying to make this end)”
“ Can I just leave this pamphlet with you?”
“Yes, of course! (I tend to be overly nice and friendly, which I want to change)”
“Great! Can I count on your support?”
At this point I hesitated and wanted so badly to tell him I was a communist but I was so scared. So I let my fear take over and went nice mode again.
“Uh…. Maybe?”
“Sounds like a no, but that’s alright! something about election stuff have a good day!”
He left and I was shaken. I know it’s silly but I grew up having to please others no matter what. While I am actively working on assertiveness and not falling back into those habits in therapy, in moments as random as this I freeze, short-circuit. I guess the whole friendly demeanour just made me feel bad. I mean, he’s working with the enemy, no matter how cute his dog is and how happy his family seems on the pamphlet, the policies he supports hurts others.
I recycled his pamphlet and am just stewing in regret. I need to better prepare myself for these moments, I don’t want to be so passive. Next time I’m just going to say what I wanted to the whole time: “I’m a communist” it’s not rude, it’s the truth.
Note to self: Stop letting your fear stop you from being yourself and advocating for your comrades.
Even having the person talk to me would throw me off for the rest of the day. There was recently someone handing out business cards for some new business they started, and when they came up to my gate, I froze and didn’t know what to do. Eventually, they just put it in the mailbox and left. I definitely understand what you feel. I have such a severe case of social anxiety that I don’t even know how to combat it, because to do that, I’d have to talk to people more, and I can barely handle one conversation a day with a stranger, even if they start the conversation and do all the work.