This isn’t really affecting my mental health too much, but I changed my CPU some months ago and my grandmother put the old motherboard with the old CPU in a box. She always complains that I don’t store things after I use them and she also says “things well put appear” (not sure how to translate it, basically saying that if you put your stuff in a proper place you won’t lose it). Anyway since after she stores my stuff I always have to search where tf she put the thing I need at that time I made sure to remember where she put the box. I recently needed the stuff in the box (there were more things apart from the CPU and mobo), so I went for it and of course the box wasn’t there. I wonder if mothers and grandmothers are involved in a global conspiracy of some sort because apparently this is not an uncommon thing.

I just hope my family didn’t throw out the box.

My first day at intensive outpatient therapy is in less than 24 hours. I made a post like over a month ago regarding it and had struggles with insurance accepting it for a while, then the days got switched around a few times. All this time I’ve been drugged up and completely inert, hanging by a thread while waiting for this glorious day to come where I can spend some time to fix myself. I lost my partner of a year and a half over the holidays which didn’t help the situation. It’s been 5 years of therapy, medications, hospitalizations, and misery. I really hope this fucking works, I’m going into it trying my best.

My main motivators are to be able to participate in party work that up until this point I have not been and to be out of misery.

Also, no worries. I think this weekly vent post is a good idea.

Edit: Dystopia af that some insurance agent gets to decide if I get to stay safe from s*icide or not

Figuring gender shit out, didn’t know that sexuality shit came with that, but should have

its nice but Im ready to become a terrorist

I’m switching between being very serious and escapism a lot lately. It’s like my normal way to regulate work and free time is a bit broken. On the one hand I want to be in the busy city where I live, participating in the city life, keep working, keep doing political work and immerse myself in the middle of society. On the other hand I want to go completely off grid. Been watching a guy who rode his bicycle from Vancouver to Patagonia for two years, which isn’t helping lol.

I don’t really know how to handle myself really. It’s not that I’m in a bad space or something but the way life and our society is shaped is tiring me a bit.

I’m feelin kinda down lately. All my basic needs are met but I just don’t get out enough, I live in a small hick town and it’s hard to connect to people at the best of times for me. I’ve caught myself getting too worked up over some nerds opinions on the Internet, so I’d like to just log off but then I’m just sitting here alone. No car, no where to walk to. Just feeling trapped in my own living space. I almost snapped at a friend online trying to talk to me because I both want to be online so I can be connected to people in some way at least but also want to be alone and not bothered. I’ve got cabin fever like heck right now.

Tomorrow I start a new job, but I keep defaulting to making my sleep schedule shit. Even if I’m tired at like 11PM and ready to go to bed I decide to watch YouTube videos until 6AM, or binge eat and watch cable. I dont have huge eating problems at all, I never gain too much weight, but that’s because I have this thing where I burn more calories than most people. Still takes a toll on me. End up wasting food that I should have eaten over more time. In the end, I feel like I no matter what happens I end covered in sweat waking up at 5PM.