After pretending that everything was all right with my mother and sister, I left the house, went to a row of storage units, got a kitchen knife, and asked myself if I should do this, because I might reincarnate into a worse life. After that, I went inside of a storage unit, closed the door, and tried to slit my arms with the knife, only I did it ineffectively… almost everything that I did left shallow pokes and scratches that barely bled.

I’ve been reluctant to talk about the reason for this, not only because it happened months ago but also because it isn’t even a good reason to stay upset. Normal people would be severely depressed over losing a loved one, losing their career, suffering from an incapacitating disease, or facing a long prison sentence. Me? I was socially rejected and banned from somebody’s mediocre restaurant after I almost got her fired over a joke that I made… that’s not a good reason to stay upset; that’s just embarrassing. I should be laughing it off, especially since it’s been five months, but here I am dwelling on it repeatedly, to the point where I’m afraid to go outside again.

Even though the mental anguish is occasionally so intense that I get headaches, I am probably not going to actually try anything lethal. My medication is keeping me from reaching that point, and I don’t want my stepdad to feel guilty and shun his hobby (even if his politics are terrible) after learning that I fired one of his guns into myself.

All that I want to do is focus on my studies… I don’t want to repeatedly dwell on bullshit like this and take tranquilizers to calm myself down.

  • lemmygrabber
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    121 year ago

    It’s not true that you only get to be sad if one or more grand tragedies befall upon you. A lot of small things going wrong can slowly chip away at your psyche and cause you to feel depressed and hopeless. That’s the case with me. I have a lot of anguish and regret but it would be wrong for me to say that my sadness is unwarranted.

    I just read about the subway incident you posted. If it is any consolation from what I read it looks like you dealt with the blowback graciously. You should take pride in that.

    Regarding the posts you say are not getting visibility, can you tell me which communities you post them in? It is possible they might be falling off the radar because not many people see those communities. You say /c/capitalismindecay. Are there any others?

    • Anarcho-BolshevikOP
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      101 year ago

      Thank you for your feedback! It helps me think about the situation differently.

      Regarding the posts you say are not getting visibility, can you tell me which communities you post them in?

      I haven’t griped about that in a while, but most of them go in /c/capitalismindecay, sometimes /c/mediacriticism, /c/us_news, or a few others. I wouldn’t say that the inattention breaks my heart, only that sometimes it’s mildly disappointing. Inattention only really upsets me when it’s while I’m repeatedly dealing with somebody difficult, and that hasn’t happened in a long time.

      • @nour
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        101 year ago

        For what it’s worth, I always find your posts very educational, and a valuable contribution to this online space. As long as I have energy to engage, I always read through them. I could imagine that the reason you’re getting so few upvotes, is, sadly, inherent to the design of social media platforms like this one: it takes a lot less effort to laugh at a meme and upvote it, than it is to read through long paragraphs of text and understand what’s being said… Both have their place on a platform like this, but honestly, I would prefer more of long-form educational content like you post.

        Losing you would be a real loss to this online space. (Not sure if that matters to you, though, considering that it’s just an online space… Not sure whether my opinion matters at all.)

        That being said, I can relate to wanting to die and being unable to focus on studies, it has been similar for me over the last months…

        • Anarcho-BolshevikOP
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          71 year ago

          I’m glad that you read them! Although there are plenty of books that I’d like to share, I understand that not everybody has the time to go through thousands of pages of history either, so usually I focus on snippets, articles or theses for my posts as those are easier to fit into people’s schedules.

          That being said, I can relate to wanting to die and being unable to focus on studies, it has been similar for me over the last months…

          If it makes you feel any better, there is a 2% chance that the ghosts of Fascists are exacting their petty revenge on us by repeatedly messing with our brain chemistry. (The 98% chance, on the other hand, is that the real explanation is something far more mundane and less exciting.)

          Seriously though, I hope that you feel better soon. Thanks for your feedback!

  • @Inbrededcanadian
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    1 year ago

    I work with ppl with suicidal ideation and past suicide attempts, if you think it is serious, please seek medical assistance, generally speaking having plans and carrying out the plans is considered decently serious. If that’s not something you want to do there are other things you can try, usually physical activities can help a decent bit, or leaving the house to go to somewhere with lots of people and just let everything stimulate the sense can also help.

    • Anarcho-BolshevikOP
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      81 year ago

      I am actually in a goodish mood now, and I don’t have any plans to try something lethal. In fact, now that I think about it, my dream can be interpreted in such a way as to discourage me from reattempting: despite all my effort I didn’t accomplish anything other than make about a dozen shallow flesh wounds.

      You raise a good point about physical activity. I’ll be having more promenades this month, especially since the temperature is so tolerable now.

  • @CannotSleep420
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    101 year ago

    Normal people would be severely depressed over losing a loved one, losing their career, suffering from an incapacitating disease, or facing a long prison sentence. Me? I was socially rejected and banned from somebody’s mediocre restaurant after I almost got her fired over a joke that I made… that’s not a good reason to stay upset; that’s just embarrassing.

    I don’t know if this will help you feel better, but there is no objective arbiter of what is okay to be severely depressed over. If you want my 2 cents, I can easily see why a compassionate and conscientious person would feel bad about causing someone to almost lose their job, especially because of the implications that has here in burgerland. You seem like a generally good person from what I’ve seen of your posts and from reading the post you linked it seems like the incident was an honest mistake that you’ve learned from. Still, when it comes to one’s subjective experience of themself, the feels of self hatred over one mistake can overpower the reals of all the good you do.

    Unfortunately, I don’t think I can be much help from here, as I am an emotionally stunted self hating shell of a human being. However, I hope my words have been helpful.

    • Anarcho-BolshevikOP
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      61 year ago

      Responses like yours are exactly what I’m looking for; they help think about this situation in a different way and see it from another perspective. I appreciate it.

  • Camarada ForteMA
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    101 year ago

    Thank you for sharing your experiences, comrade

    We all suffer, acknowledging our pain is the most important thing and you’ve already went through that step. A thing that comes to mind is – do you tell the professional that gave you this medication about these ideations? Some antidepressants have suicidal thoughts as a side effect (I know, it’s absurd) like fluoxetine hydrochloride.

    Another thing that comes to mind. We all do stuff that embarass others, or ourselves, we all make mistakes that affect people around us in some way or another. We have control over ourselves, but do we have control over the consequence of our actions? If something is outside your control, there’s nothing you can do, so it isn’t worth it beating yourself over it.

    Once we realize we cannot change what is outside our control, and we focus on this thought, we can learn to let go of any attachments, regrets, resentments or these obsessive thoughts about certain events.

    You’ve made a mistake, no big deal. We spend our lives making mistakes and learning and improving from them, so exposing yourself to new situations will certainly expose you to mistakes, but there’s no need to be afraid of those, as they are an opportunity for improvement too.

    If you stay put, alone and isolated, the only experiences you will have in your memory is your past, which you cannot control, nor change. You’ll become more an more attached to them if you don’t struggle against this feeling. My suggestion is looking for people close to you, whether family, friends and colleagues, and reaching to them to hang out or something. Let yourself enjoy new experiences and soon enough this memory you’re attached to will gradually become a funny embarassing thing to remember, like you described

  • @big_spoon
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    91 year ago

    “it isn’t even a good reason to stay upset”

    “here I am dwelling on it repeatedly”

    welcome to the lovely world of depression…it’s kinda like my own experiences, the suicide ideations are certainly common, but you just need to get some medical help. it’s better than being haunted by your mind. some people can’t keep the fight so easily

    • Anarcho-BolshevikOP
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      81 year ago

      I am already taking antidepressants, but I’ll be sure to mention this to my psychiatrist the next time that I see him. My family suspects that the main problem is that I’m not taking my medications in a timely manner, and that’s because I oversleep regularly.

      • @big_spoon
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        31 year ago

        not always you can win by yourself…sometimes you need some extra help. that will be good for you

  • Al-Andalusian
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    91 year ago

    Your situation resonates a lot with me, I don’t know about other people but such a situation would make me feel similar to what it seems you are feeling.

    Now this is just speculation, and I know it would be a huge coincidence since I just made a post about it, but I think you might have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (or maybe not, I don’t know. Again this is just speculation).

    At least that’s the impression I had from your other post, I have suspicions that I have it myself, and since your posts resonated with me, that came to mind.

    But anyway, no matter what, you have to know that your feelings are legitimate. There is no such thing as a bad reason to be upset!

    I hope the best for you, comrade!

    • Anarcho-BolshevikOP
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      51 year ago

      I had never heard of that concept before. Thank you for introducing me to it, and I appreciate your wishes.

  • Comrade Ben
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    81 year ago

    Please don’t kill yourself get medical assistance and talk to your therapist about this

    • Anarcho-BolshevikOP
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      61 year ago

      I appreciate your concern, but it is pretty unlikely that I’ll try anything dangerous on myself. I actually stopped seeing a therapist a few months ago (it no longer felt necessary), but if my friends or family beg me to visit one then I’ll definitely reconsider it.