After pretending that everything was all right with my mother and sister, I left the house, went to a row of storage units, got a kitchen knife, and asked myself if I should do this, because I might reincarnate into a worse life. After that, I went inside of a storage unit, closed the door, and tried to slit my arms with the knife, only I did it ineffectively… almost everything that I did left shallow pokes and scratches that barely bled.
I’ve been reluctant to talk about the reason for this, not only because it happened months ago but also because it isn’t even a good reason to stay upset. Normal people would be severely depressed over losing a loved one, losing their career, suffering from an incapacitating disease, or facing a long prison sentence. Me? I was socially rejected and banned from somebody’s mediocre restaurant after I almost got her fired over a joke that I made… that’s not a good reason to stay upset; that’s just embarrassing. I should be laughing it off, especially since it’s been five months, but here I am dwelling on it repeatedly, to the point where I’m afraid to go outside again.
Even though the mental anguish is occasionally so intense that I get headaches, I am probably not going to actually try anything lethal. My medication is keeping me from reaching that point, and I don’t want my stepdad to feel guilty and shun his hobby (even if his politics are terrible) after learning that I fired one of his guns into myself.
All that I want to do is focus on my studies… I don’t want to repeatedly dwell on bullshit like this and take tranquilizers to calm myself down.
Thank you for your feedback! It helps me think about the situation differently.
I haven’t griped about that in a while, but most of them go in /c/capitalismindecay, sometimes /c/mediacriticism, /c/us_news, or a few others. I wouldn’t say that the inattention breaks my heart, only that sometimes it’s mildly disappointing. Inattention only really upsets me when it’s while I’m repeatedly dealing with somebody difficult, and that hasn’t happened in a long time.
For what it’s worth, I always find your posts very educational, and a valuable contribution to this online space. As long as I have energy to engage, I always read through them. I could imagine that the reason you’re getting so few upvotes, is, sadly, inherent to the design of social media platforms like this one: it takes a lot less effort to laugh at a meme and upvote it, than it is to read through long paragraphs of text and understand what’s being said… Both have their place on a platform like this, but honestly, I would prefer more of long-form educational content like you post.
Losing you would be a real loss to this online space. (Not sure if that matters to you, though, considering that it’s just an online space… Not sure whether my opinion matters at all.)
That being said, I can relate to wanting to die and being unable to focus on studies, it has been similar for me over the last months…
I’m glad that you read them! Although there are plenty of books that I’d like to share, I understand that not everybody has the time to go through thousands of pages of history either, so usually I focus on snippets, articles or theses for my posts as those are easier to fit into people’s schedules.
If it makes you feel any better, there is a 2% chance that the ghosts of Fascists are exacting their petty revenge on us by repeatedly messing with our brain chemistry. (The 98% chance, on the other hand, is that the real explanation is something far more mundane and less exciting.)
Seriously though, I hope that you feel better soon. Thanks for your feedback!