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Perhaps we should consider that both things can be true: she intended the compliment of “I am sexually AND emotionally to you to such a great degree that I want nothing less than marriage”; and his reaction was valid because he perceived the meaning as “I’m settling for you”.
We don’t know how this miscommunication happened. She could have phrased it poorly or said it in a weird tone. He could have misheard. He could have a ton of pre-existing conditioning and pressures that led him to place her comment in a social context that she doesn’t share.
Neither of them have to be in the wrong here. Both of them should do the work and try to understand each other better.
but also
completely right
i’m not male or insecure but i can definitely see how this compliment might come across as her telling him he’s not hot/she isn’t crazy about his looks or his personality, but that he’s “a good guy” and “marriage material”- which yes, those are also compliments, but in this context could be taken as backhanded. i feel like maybe she should have just said something else. i also feel like acting like men aren’t allowed to have feelings or insecurities or be upset is absurd.
Lots of people in here just acting like Men aren’t ever insecure about their bodies.
Hexbear: men should shirk toxic masculinity and embrace their emotions!
Also Hexbear: this man, who I have one (1) data point about, is clearly upset here because his ability to control women through sex is being undercut. This is why dating men is the worst, just toughen up and take the compliment bro!!
I think you see this reflected in media too when women in a heterosexual relationship who have a crisis over not feeling desired or something along those lines, is displayed in a sympathetic way.
“Women like to feel chased and desired.” Is a common through line in stories in which romance needs to be re-injected into the relationship. However here, a potentially miss worded compliment which states how they like their fulfilling stable relationship but also decenters the importance or existence of physical attraction towards the man can’t possibly be understood that way. Naturally stories are maybe more dramatic in their portrayal, but I think this this issue can be common in long-term relationships. Regardless of gender composition of the relationship or the gender of the person who may be feeling that way.
Hi
Or that men are unaffected by negging. Like if you break it down, this could easily be interpreted as negging, even if that was not the intention.
Yeah I don’t get how people can’t see the backhandedness. If you wanna say someone is a nice person, just say that, you don’t have to add that you’re not sexually attracted to them. It’s weird to add that you wouldn’t consider your partner as a potential hook-up, if you’re trying to complement them.
I’ve encountered a weird thing with some sexual partners where they seem to think it’s shallow to acknowledge that they find you physically attractive as well as emotionally attractive.
But like, it’s a sexual relationship, are bodies are part of it, it’d be weird if we were plutonic friends but enjoying each others bodies is part of our relationship here so I don’t see how it’s shallow for us to express our enjoyment of each others bodies to one another.
Yeah it’s odd. I think there’s also something going on here that a lot of people seem to be (willfully) obtuse about which is that it’s not looks, but sexual attraction that is being discussed.
I see some people arguing against the guys reaction because “attraction isn’t just looks”, and yeah everyone knows that, which is why it makes it so much more hurtful to say you wouldn’t consider your partner for a sexual relationship.
‘taking it slow’ is coded for more serious relationships culturally, even if that’s kind of silly and sex-negative. the ‘hookup’ is supposed to be ephemeral and shallow
i think this is very enmeshed in patriarchal norms with people trying to recreate a more old fashioned courtship for a potential spouse while consciously/subconsciously devaluing and shaming casual sex. don’t get me wrong i also see how it sounds like they’re saying the guy is not attractive, but he and other men gotta understand we still live under patriarchy and it makes people think differently (i mean wanting your partner to think you’re adonis is weird patriarchy too,
deserve love even if they don’t roil loins in the stereotypical way)Thank you for your response.
“taking it slow”
You’re the second person quoting something that’s I don’t see present in the text and I feel like I’m missing something here.
the ‘hookup’ is supposed to be ephemeral and shallow.
I understand the concept of thinking a hook-up is shallow and, as I’ve said elsewhere, if that was what was said, then that would have been a compliment. What was said though wasn’t “I could never just have X with you, I’d need to have y!” <- that would have been a compliment.
think this is very enmeshed in patriarchal norms with people trying to recreate a more old fashioned courtship.
I gotta be honest, it strikes me as some toxic masculinity thing where we expect a lot of things of men wrt feelings and social interactions. then punish them when they dont fulfill it. Women are also capable of saying insensitive stuff and it seems to me like we’re pretending the interpretation of it being rude isn’t valid, because it’s a guy who has it and when men are sad they are wrong.
There’s plenty of people just in this thread chiming in with how they would interpret it the same way, so it’s not like it’s some far fetched thing.i mean wanting your partner to think you’re adonis is weird patriarchy too.
But that’s also not what is being expressed as a wish. The guy is sad because his partner said she isn’t sexually attracted to him. It is very normal to want your partner to be attracted to you. Sexual attraction isn’t purely based on aesthetics, and I know a few people who would find constanza hot.
it took me long enough to type that up that i missed most of the discussion, lol sorry for addressing things other people brought up
however you’re being a bit too rigid in your interpretation of the text. we don’t have a quote, just an explanation from one party of what they said. we’re all just extrapolating on delivery/timing/vocabulary that was used so we can’t actually litigate this particular situation with accuracy. but it’s a vehicle to talk about relationships and patriarchy and we love to do that don’t we folks
it took me long enough to type that up that i missed most of the discussion, lol sorry for addressing things other people brought up.
No worries!
however you’re being a bit too rigid in your interpretation of the text. we don’t have a quote, just an explanation from one party of what they said.
I agree, but I do this on purpose because we only have the text and people keep adding things that aren’t in the text, which is why we end up misunderstanding each other.
My rigidity also comes from the feeling that my interpretation is treated as though it isn’t valid, which is very frustrating, especially when I do not disagree on the validity of the positive interpretation, just that it is not the only one. To me it is the people who insist on the positive interpretation that are being rigid, since I do not see them admitting the other way is possible, but instead just some man being silly.but it’s a vehicle to talk about relationships and patriarchy and we love to do that don’t we folks.
Sure, but I think it’s best to have those discussions in a vehicle we all agree on, not one we all decide to add to
This
you don’t have to add that you’re not sexually attracted to them
I’mma ask every person in this thread where she said this because if she didn’t outright say this then why are people drawing this conclusion?
That’s the interpretation of a lot of people due to the fact she said she wouldn’t hook up with or be fwb with her partner. People (me included) have explained why that is interpreted as expressing you do not feel a sexual attraction to your partner, but instead only consider them due to your established social relationship.
The people I see defending it are arguing that she said “I wouldn’t just…” But that’s not what she said. That would have been a compliment and it’s probably what she meant, but it’s not what was said, according to the text.
None of these explanations are adequate to me because she literally did not say it, so all of this has somehow become “I don’t find you attractive” instead of “I find you attractive and worth more than just a fwb, I’d spend my life with you”
Like you can explain it how a million times but it just wasn’t said so it doesn’t matter lmao
she literally did not say it,
She also literally did not say what you say she said, which is why you keep having to rephrase what was said in order to communicate it.
" I find you attractive and worth more than just a fwb, I’d spend my life with you".
See that’s your interpretation, but not actually what she said.
wasn’t said so it doesn’t matter.
Again of the two of us, I am the only one who actually refers to the text and the only one who accepts the rest is interpretation. This has been explained many times now.
You’re either incapable of reading, an idiot or a troll. Either way it’s clear you’re not acting in good faithSee that’s your interpretation, but not actually what she said.
and nigga you keep pulling the same dumbass “she implied he wasn’t attractive” out of thin air, and calling me an idiot lmao! sorry for being autistic and taking shit literally, kiss my Black fucking ass dipshit
Male, not insecure much to my knowledge; I think the split here is “I wouldn’t just fuck you”. As far as I understand the world attraction for women to men is much less based on “beauty standards” and more other factors.
Everytime I said to the women in my life “That guy’s hot, isn’t he?” on the basis of what I think would be an attractive man I get back “God, no”. Think like, I don’t know, Ryan Gosling or Alan Ritcherson or and then Jack Black comes up and their heart beats ouf of their chest, their eyes get comically large and they go “AWOOOOOOOOOOOOGA”. I’ve since learned I have no idea what hetero women find hot and that people like Ryan Gosling or Alan Ritcherson are, going by looks, more like a male fantasy of how and what to look like.
So coming from the womens POV that sounds like a compliment, but to the guy it sounds like “I don’t think you’re physically that hot.”, because he’s Jack Black and not Ryan Gosling if that makes sense. I think the ire here is in large part that women are often complimented on their looks, rarely on their skills and it’s vice versa for men, which is why he probably wants to hear he’s Ryan Gosling and not Jack Black.
All very much generalized and such, but that’s what I figured. Given her version of the story I think storming out is a bit much, though.
i mean no disrespect when i say this, it’s absurd to believe women don’t actually think ryan gosling and dudes like that are hot. that is literally 90% of their appeal and why they’re rich and famous- women pay to see them in movies because they’re hot. i know they’ll say that if you ask them, but my brother, come on. they certainly probably find jack black more entertaining and “huggable” but if we’re being honest with ourselves, and you ask 10 women which of these two men they find more attractive, do you honestly, HONESTLY think most of them would pick jack black?
also, “i find you attractive like jack black, not like ryan gosling” isn’t a nice compliment.
i think people really just have trouble admitting that women can be insensitive and shitty just like men can, and that men can have insecurities and feelings and it isn’t invalid. there are so many people in here acting like “you just haven’t read enough feminist theory” to justify taking the girlfriend’s side in this post, but that’s just mental gymnastics. i love shitting on men all day, i will shit on men like nobody’s business, but i can not read this post and not think her boyfriend was right to be upset
It feels odd to presume every women that I talk about such topics with because we have close, personal friendships would lie to me about it. It’s not like I haven’t heard them saying things about Jack Black not suitable to be repeated in polite company after some drinks. And hell, on the scale of Ryan Gosling to Jack Black I definitely trend towards Gosling, not jack.
it’s not that they’re lying, it’s that wE LiVe iN a SoCiETy that makes women feel bad for lusting after hot men, so they would reflexively say that jack black is more attractive to them when put in that situation.
Most women I know are very upfront about being attracted to people purely because of their bodies.
Most men I know are very upfront about there being more qualities than just aesthetics that are determining for wether or not they’re attracted to someone.Most everybody likes to look at pretty people. Most everybody have more criteria than “pretty” for when they determine wether or not to hook up with someone, it’s not something that’s unique to any gender.
When did she say he wasn’t attractive lmao? I am so confused at people drawing this conclusion
Because if he’s attractive then obviously his girlfriend would want to have NSA sex with him and randomly hookup. Women only do one night stands with attractive men. Ugly men don’t get random hookups. Plus it’s all about sex. You can’t be in a relationship with someone and have mutual respect, care for one another, and have sex. Nope, it’s got to be two hot people fucking and sucking.
Why yes I’m aware of propaganda and problematic culture, that means I’m immune to buying into it. How can you tell?
Sorry I got the tizzy so I have no idea if this was sarcasm or not lmao
I am both male and insecure about my body, but if my partner said this to me I would take it to mean “I wouldn’t just fuck you once, I’d spend my life with you and fuck you many times”
Right? Like damn you like me that much lol
Finally some common sense.
please, no reddit relationship advice posting. my brain is already severely permanently damaged
But it lifts people self steem
You have a brain injury? Your brain is injured? Ow.
Literal TBI from too much banging their head against an old CRT monitor
I swear, reading reddit life adivice on social interactions, sex, dating from an early age dealt immeasurable harm on my brain.
This is the only comment in this thread I 100% agree with
But there’s already like 50 comments, this thread is gonna be so much fun!
Can’t really judge neither of them based on this text alone, not enough information, we don’t know the tone of how she said it, their relationship in the 2.5 years and their lives before, we don’t know these people’s faces or names or even if they broke up yet or got over it, if it’s an insult or a compliment depends on their life. He could’ve been insecure about his looks and was bullied because of it throughout his life, or he could be a manipulative person with crocodile tears, and maybe this is all an AI reddit bot posting something controversial for Karma, we can’t really judge much.
beanis
Look Morty I’m Beanis Rick
Cucumbers are from the cucurbeanis family, as opposed to true beanii from the ligmagume family.
You’d have to be incredibly obtuse to see such a thing as a compliment. It sounds backhanded and almost like she’s negging him. Like you’d have to consider men as emotionless robots with no deeper feelings or thought to see this as compliment. Oh wait, that’s how society sees men! And you’d have to know nothing about male gender roles and expectations to not see how this could be insulting. Imagine wanting to spend the rest of life with someone (in this case a man), and knowing this little about their gender identity. And I say this as someone that’s dated men. I don’t know, maybe this is all incredibly obvious to me as a man or something, because I cannot see how that would be a compliment.
The way it could be interpreted as a comliment is that fwb or hookup is too shallow and she wouldn’t be able to keep it at that level. But it is very badly worded if so. Just say “You’re the kind of man I would like to marry” instead, adding in the fwb and hookup stuff before adds nothing to the compliment.
Also if that’s what you’re trying to say then saying “I wouldn’t hook up with you. I would marry you” is a really weird way of saying it, because you’re expressing an inability to settle, so you’d want to use the word “couldn’t” probably
How? She literally says he’s worth more than a fwb and that’s insulting to you lmao?
Are you really not seeing the issue? This could easily be interpreted as “I don’t find you physically attractive”, even if it wasn’t intended. Who in the world wants to hear that from their partner? It also could easily be interpreted as negging. Are people not allowed to feel aggrieved by that?
No, I am not seeing that cause she didn’t say it nor imply it lmao so I don’t see how you are? “Easily interpreted” is wild.
You’re the one who is adding additional phrasings to the text in order to make your interpretation clearer. Maybe re read it
LMAO telling me to reread something when you’re saying she said things she didn’t is some crazy work
The only one who is saying she “literally said” something that is not in the text is you. I have made it very clear what is my interpretation and what is text in this thread.
Be betterAnd I think your interpretation is incorrect? Be better.
If someone said to you “you’re not someone I’d like to hook up with”, would that be more of a compliment or an insult to you?
Do you stop having sex when you get married or…?
She literally didn’t. With the text we see the phrasing is “he is not someone I would hook up with or fwb with, but marry”.
The reason it is interpreted as it is is specifically because she isn’t saying he is all that and more, but just someone you can marry but not hookup with.
She probably intended the other phrasing, but that’s not what she said, which is why he reacted as he did.Then if she literally didn’t then y’all have done impressive some mental gymnastics to arrive at the conclusion of “she thinks he isn’t attractive” lmao
No we haven’t, stop being dismissing and condescending just because you disagree.
Also stop trying to gaslight me with calling a straightforward explanation “Impressive mental gymnastics” you toadLMAO at “straightforward explanations”.
“I’d spend my life with you” means “I don’t find you attractive”.
“I’d spend my life with you” means “I don’t find you attractive”.
That’s also not what she said according to the text which we are all arguing from. You are being willfully obtuse
That really is not the part of the comment that’s in question as being hurtful. It is the preceding, “I would not fuck you”. There is still an understanding that they would fuck in the context of knowing each other, etc. But is it really not just a little bit not great to hear your partner say something that amounts to, “If you were just like somebody who meant nothing to me and I was evaluating in physical terms, I wouldn’t hit that shit”? And I’ll reiterate, I don’t think that was the intended meaning, certainly not the intended main point. But, as continues to be demonstrated, there are a whole fuck lot of men who would interpret this remark as calling them ugly.
She literally says he wouldn’t be a FWB to her, the implication being that she’s not attracted to him in that way. If this guy came back and said “I listened to that Jimmy Soul song and I realized that you could really make me happy for the rest of my life so let’s go for it” would the expectation be that she’s cool with that?
How is that an implication? She says he’s worth more than a fwb, all that extra shit I have no idea where y’all are getting from cause she never said he wasn’t attractive
She isn’t saying he’s “worth more” stop making things up. That’s your interpretation , but it’s not in the text. We don’t live inside your head.
People are being very kind in giving you explanations for why they interpret it as an insult and you keep dismissing them while just adding things you’d like the text to have.Naw people have said “it’s easily interpreted” and “I don’t see how people don’t see it’s backhanded” and y’all keep implying she said he wasn’t attractive, fuck are you on?
We do not imply this, it has been explained several times already. You’d just rather be obtuse and feel superior instead of engage with an argument that has been presented several times already.
You’d just rather be obtuse and feel superior instead of engage with an argument that has been presented several times already.
I’m engaging, she is being LITERAL, so keep repeating yourself.
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There’s a little undercurrent here of “Toughen up, men” you obviously misinterpreted this and you’re a little baby for being upset. Sorry, but that’s the same toxic masculinity bullshit that everyone decries in the abstract.
I mean it’s pretty much the cycle whenever men have legitimate issues about something in the cisgender heterosexual dynamic. (So glad I’m not a part of that). From my observations, it starts like this:
1- Someone asks men why they don’t do X thing or why they think in a Y way. (In this case thinking that such a compliment is backhanded and insulting)
2- Men answer why. (Explaining why they view it this way)
3- Some women who don’t like the answers, proceed to shame and try convincing the men into believing they’re the ones wrong, or acknowledge that it’s a legitimate issue but deflect the blame by saying “not all people do this”.
4- Guys see no reason to do or think any different than before and their beliefs are often reinforced. (Gender polarisation increases between men and women).
5- Go back to number 1 and start over.
It’s literally the same cycle over and over.
Yeah as a (mostly) het man this is a toxic dynamic I’ve encountered. I had one partner straight up say to me (paraphrasing a bit) “well I experience emotions more intensely than you so you have more a responsibility to be sensitive to me than I to you”.
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I think that’s a really bad faith interpretation of his comment
I this his comment is a bad faith interpretation of why this sort of thing makes women angry.
Some women who don’t like the answers, proceed to shame and try convincing the men into believing they’re the ones wrong, or acknowledge that it’s a legitimate issue but deflect the blame by saying “not all people do this”. (We are here now)
Fuck yeah, it’s so awesome that I’m “some women” now.
this is an exceptionally bad faith interpretation of their comment and you know it
<- this is you right now
Yeah, it’s easy to feel like the answer is to toughen up when that’s historically been the answer to everything. I fully believe that deconstructing patriarchal masculinity happens through healing of the emotional wounds that patriarchy inflicts on us through understanding and kindness. I also believe that everyone deserves to have their feelings validated. I don’t know if this space is the ideal place for all of that to happen, but if people are trying to use it that way I’m happy to participate.
I want to clarify that I’m not like super offended by the comment itself. Even though it can be interpreted as rude, it clearly wasn’t intended to be an insult, and I’m abso-fucking-lutely not interested in analyzing a relationship from a handful of sentences. It’s moreso the idea that the guy is wrong for being upset by it.
If they’ve been together almost 3 years and this is his response to something as innocuous as “I take this relationship seriously” she dodged a bullet.
No wait, the joke is that he understood her phrase as “I’m not really sexually attracted to you, but you feel good enough to settledown”
When she actually meant: “I don’t obly want to fuck you but also grow old with you, etc”
Oh I know. I also know guys who misinterpret a relationship maturing as it dying and I’m just saying that if she’s seeing it mature and he just thinks it’s all about jumping bones, then there’s some really serious lack of communication there.
Ah good point
A lot of hetero men do not value the last part above the first part. The “chad” who bangs “chicks” every night on his bedframe less bed, is still seen as aspirational, unlike the “beta” house-husband manwife who cooks for his wife, while she shacks up with her personal trainer or something.
Beyond not being able to truly judge a situation based on so little information, this is the single post of a throwaway account which then made no edits to the post or replies to any of the comments. Maybe it’s just me, but I always assume these cases are someone trying their writing skills or something of the sort.
Lots of people teying their writing eh
Yeah, it’s an overreaction to be sure, but I’m not sure I’d like hearing, “I wouldn’t give you a second glance if I saw you in the wild” either. Could be they were already going through some stuff and that was the final straw.
I don’t understand how that’s what what she said means
Men are silly and stupid for never opening up or having feelings or being hurt or sad.
Look at this dude being sad because his partner said something hurtful. Dude should just toughen up! She obviously didn’t mean it that way, he’s just a big baby.
I don’t like heterosexuality.
lamest struggle session yet
Locking this thread.
124 comments / 58 upvotes
Lmao
if only they got this engaged at something important like Five nights at Freddy’s lore
Everyone here is siding with who they self inserted themselves into
