Even despite the age gap, this was the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. It was based on mutual respect, trust, communication, and an understanding of each other’s time and goals. I really like her as a person – she’s wonderful. But I also think we’re just not the right fit for each other romantically or sexually, and I’ve slowly begun to realize this over the last few weeks.
A couple of nights ago, I broached the subject and mentioned our sex drives were not super aligned. Mine is much higher than hers, and we both acknowledged neither one of us expected the other to change nor did we pretend it was even possible. She took it very hard, though, and spent about 2 hours crying on my couch while we talked.
We didn’t officially break up, and I know she wants to continue trying. I think she believes I am the one for her, and while she is a wonderful person, she just isn’t the right one for me specifically. How should I go about doing this? I had been hoping the conversation would have led us to that conclusion, but I couldn’t find the guts to end it then, especially because we went from joking around and laughing together that exact night like nothing was wrong to her crying in my arms on the couch.
I feel like I’m setting her up for heartbreak, but I know it’s not fair to either of us to continue in something that I am not long-term invested in.
Sadly, there’s no easy way to do this.
Sometimes, love just isn’t enough. That’s all there is to it.
Although, reading your post, it seems to be mostly about sex drive (or it’s the only thing you actually mentioned) so ask yourself, are you ready to lose such a beautiful relationship over “not enough sex” ?
There’s no wrong answer, not trying to apply a judgement of any kind here. But only you can answer this.
It’s takes a certain kind of person to accept an incompatible/dead bedroom six months into a relationship barring their being Demi/Ace. I would say it’s very valid for it to be enough to end the relationship. I know you’re saying it’s up to them and not wrong either way, but I feel like the tone (and follow up comment) maybe implied a little bit that it’s not a good enough reason.
I didn’t do any follow up comment, and I explicitly said only he can answer that question and that there wasn’t any wrong answer.
You wanna assume and draw implications from that, that’s on you, I think I did my part toward clarity and his answer seems to indicate that it was enough.
My apologies, I confused you with another user.
Well, I think it’s probably a little more than just sex drive, but that is a large part of it. It’s a once every 3 weeks vs. multiple times a week or more difference, which is hard for me. I guess you’re right. Just need to rip off the band-aid. Ugh.
Don’t get me wrong, sex is a major part of most relationships, but if this relationship is as positive and healthy as you’ve said then isn’t it worth trying to make it work a little longer? At least now that she knows how much of a problem it is for you.
If she’s unable to meet your needs now, then yes you should “rip off the band-aid”. But I would make sure that she’s unwilling to even try, now that she knows that the relationship is at stake. I wouldn’t shut it down without giving her a chance.
Either way, yeah the situation sucks. I wish you both the best, and hope things work out for everyone involved.
I’ve experienced that many times in the past, and it’s a perfectly valid reason to be dissatisfied. One problem is that once a relationship has gone that direction, it’s difficult to turn around, if it’s their personality/preference or something about their attraction to you. If it’s that circumstances such as stress or medical issues are in the way, that may be fixable. It’s mattered less to me as I went through my 30s but is still a realistic factor.
Most recently I was in a relationship where we had a good matchup sexually for 3-4 months, until we started experiencing interpersonal friction and disagreements. While we were still affectionate, not quite passionate and sex dropped off. We ended up being basically celibate for the next 2 1/2 years. To me, that’s a waste of my time and potential, as if she wasn’t monopolizing my sexuality, someone else and I would have enjoyed that time. It’s odd to me when people say “oh, I love you, this is the best, let’s stay together and get married” while we haven’t had sex in like, a year.
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That happened to me with gfs who started birth control pills. Seems like a bit of a paradox.
Sounds like it’s doing exactly what it’s supposed to do. Just not the way you probably wanted it to
It works!
I hate that this is correct
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super effective!
Well, it has been like this since the beginning, and we’re both generally happy with stress-free lives. Easy, well-paying jobs, good family lives, etc. We met at work and I’m still very informed as to what happens there, and she has the absolute cushiest job on this planet, so definitely not work related. It might just be a different drive, unfortunately.
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Sex is like 70% of my relationship. And I’m dating the same gorgeous woman for 10 years now. Without sex we would break up
Maybe have her talk to her doctor, 39 is way too young to only be every 3 weeks. Could be some meds she is on or needs to be on.
Everyone is different but there might be more to the sex drive differences. I wonder if OP has actually explored every option such as couples therapy, discussing fantasies, asking whether they are actually doing enough to arose their partner before and during intercourse, are they jumping straight to intercourse without helping their partner “warm up” first, does their partner feel satisfied after intercourse, is the age gap causing them to feel less sexually attractive or more uncomfortable within themselves, etc etc.
There may be something to the libido difference. There may not. But taking time to lovingly understand each other, make a safe space to openly discuss without judgment or taking offence, might reveal something OP was unaware of and can help to make the relationship satisfying for both of them.
We’ve talked about it before, and she’s told me that I am the best sexual partner she has ever had. To her, she is very satisfied. I’m very giving in bed (it helps I enjoy going down), and foreplay is always a long part of it. Sometimes hours before we actually have sex. The issue is that I am not satisfied, and she is. I have never once reached orgasm with her, as she finds PIV sex painful due to my size and is generally not a giving partner. She has given me oral maybe 4 times total in 6 months. So I guess now that I think about it, it’s not just frequency but sexual satisfaction during the act as well, on my end.
Does she orgasm? A lot of women don’t, and it kills their desire for it. Make sure you’re paying attention to her needs. A lot of guys just pump till they’re done and leave their partner hanging, and a lot of women won’t talk about it. It’s a scary conversation, since it can easily hurt a guy’s ego and turn into a different problem.
In a healthy relationship you can talk about these things. Find out if she’s satisfied, if there’s more you can do to get her engine going. Foreplay is big for women! Maybe she has a kink or other sexual interests she hasnt brought up either - sometimes it’s embarrassing.
I wouldnt give up without trying to find a solution first.
Some people just aren’t sexual; it’s not important to them, they don’t think about it, they don’t initiate, they don’t have sexual thoughts and fantasies, and they need extremely specific prerequisites to even think about getting in the mood, even though they enjoy it when they’re doing it.
They don’t think about sex or want it, and actively reject it until they’re in the mood, and they’ll never get in the mood without starting to have sex.
Some of us are in relationships with those people for a decade and still don’t understand how it works.
Oh man Im kinda lke this and my gf too (I think?), but we are almost never “on the mood” at the same time xD. Really happy with her though, and I hope she is with me too.
while she is a wonderful person, she just isn’t the right one for me specifically
That’s what you tell her. It’s totally appropriate to want someone closer to you in physical needs.
I don’t mean to sound cynical, but at 39, she’s probably wondering if she’ll ever find somebody long term. That realization is probably one of the things that’s driving her to stay attached, even when it’s obvious that there are serious compatibility problems. And it’s going to result in some strong emotions around this breakup.
You just have to be honest and tell her it’s over. It will be difficult no matter what you do so just get it done as soon as possible. Your reasons are reasonable but it will still hurt. There is no easy out - ask to talk, take her to a neutral venue and tell her how you feel.
Short term pain and a simple clean breakup is far better for both of you than delaying and allowing things to deteriorate gradually. Just remember when you break up you’re not going to be the one to comfort her - that can feel bad when you feel like you’re inflicting pain on someone you had feelings for but it’ll be less confusing for her after the event. Break up and leave.
That last part is especially helpful, thank you.
just do it, I’m not saying don’t be nice, but the longer you wait the harder it will be.
besides a 39 year old being so distraught over a 6 month relationship is weird, I mean yea you can be emotional, crying for hours sounds either a bit manipulative or immature.
signed: someone with a similar age to her’s
I don’t think it’s manipulative or immature feel sadness when your partner gives a hard truth about the bedroom. That’s very hard to hear for most people. Anything critical involving sex is usually a relationship minefield no matter how mature either party is.
6mo can also be a long time. It’s not like it’s been a week. You can learn a lot and develop a real bond in 6mo.
So you’ve got what is probably a very serious relationship, and it is now threatened by a very hard truth about your sex life. That is a lot to process. A lot of people would rightfully cry over that.
I don’t know if you have an amazing relationship and have fallen deeply in love and then they hint at wanting to end it because you don’t have enough sex that sounds like something acceptable to be upset about.
Don’t do the classic Reddit thing and jump straight to red flags and abuse based on almost no information.
Sex won’t get better…Some people just aint interested, she knows what she likes by that age.
Hello! Thanks for your contribution. Hope you enjoy the community and find the help you desire.
However, as your post contains sexual topics, please edit it to mark it as NSFW per our rules. I’ll leave it up until you do. Unfortunately, Lemmy doesn’t allow moderators to manually mark posts as NSFW at the moment.
Thanks.
Fixed, my bad!
No worries! Thanks for updating it.
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A good suggestion, but probably not something either of us would enjoy. We’re both very monogamous in all senses of the word. Thank you for the kind words, though!
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Is it 100% fair to find every feature in a partner? Maybe she excels at being a fabulous human being, someone elke could fill up the gap, and then add some?
In other words: an open relationship?
If you are open for it, I can highly recommend the books by Esther Perel. Maybe a bit overhyped but it is a source for information.
If not, I’d choose someone more compatible.
