Even despite the age gap, this was the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. It was based on mutual respect, trust, communication, and an understanding of each other’s time and goals. I really like her as a person – she’s wonderful. But I also think we’re just not the right fit for each other romantically or sexually, and I’ve slowly begun to realize this over the last few weeks.

A couple of nights ago, I broached the subject and mentioned our sex drives were not super aligned. Mine is much higher than hers, and we both acknowledged neither one of us expected the other to change nor did we pretend it was even possible. She took it very hard, though, and spent about 2 hours crying on my couch while we talked.

We didn’t officially break up, and I know she wants to continue trying. I think she believes I am the one for her, and while she is a wonderful person, she just isn’t the right one for me specifically. How should I go about doing this? I had been hoping the conversation would have led us to that conclusion, but I couldn’t find the guts to end it then, especially because we went from joking around and laughing together that exact night like nothing was wrong to her crying in my arms on the couch.

I feel like I’m setting her up for heartbreak, but I know it’s not fair to either of us to continue in something that I am not long-term invested in.

  • prairiegrotto@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
    183·
    11 months ago

    Well, I think it’s probably a little more than just sex drive, but that is a large part of it. It’s a once every 3 weeks vs. multiple times a week or more difference, which is hard for me. I guess you’re right. Just need to rip off the band-aid. Ugh.

    • CaptainEffort@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
      142·
      11 months ago

      Don’t get me wrong, sex is a major part of most relationships, but if this relationship is as positive and healthy as you’ve said then isn’t it worth trying to make it work a little longer? At least now that she knows how much of a problem it is for you.

      If she’s unable to meet your needs now, then yes you should “rip off the band-aid”. But I would make sure that she’s unwilling to even try, now that she knows that the relationship is at stake. I wouldn’t shut it down without giving her a chance.

      Either way, yeah the situation sucks. I wish you both the best, and hope things work out for everyone involved.

    • zeppo@lemmy.worldEnglish
      7·
      11 months ago

      I’ve experienced that many times in the past, and it’s a perfectly valid reason to be dissatisfied. One problem is that once a relationship has gone that direction, it’s difficult to turn around, if it’s their personality/preference or something about their attraction to you. If it’s that circumstances such as stress or medical issues are in the way, that may be fixable. It’s mattered less to me as I went through my 30s but is still a realistic factor.

      Most recently I was in a relationship where we had a good matchup sexually for 3-4 months, until we started experiencing interpersonal friction and disagreements. While we were still affectionate, not quite passionate and sex dropped off. We ended up being basically celibate for the next 2 1/2 years. To me, that’s a waste of my time and potential, as if she wasn’t monopolizing my sexuality, someone else and I would have enjoyed that time. It’s odd to me when people say “oh, I love you, this is the best, let’s stay together and get married” while we haven’t had sex in like, a year.

    • jayemecee@lemmy.worldEnglish
      66·
      11 months ago

      Sex is like 70% of my relationship. And I’m dating the same gorgeous woman for 10 years now. Without sex we would break up

    • ThePantser@midwest.socialEnglish
      47·
      11 months ago

      Maybe have her talk to her doctor, 39 is way too young to only be every 3 weeks. Could be some meds she is on or needs to be on.

      • fartsparkles@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
        6·
        11 months ago

        Everyone is different but there might be more to the sex drive differences. I wonder if OP has actually explored every option such as couples therapy, discussing fantasies, asking whether they are actually doing enough to arose their partner before and during intercourse, are they jumping straight to intercourse without helping their partner “warm up” first, does their partner feel satisfied after intercourse, is the age gap causing them to feel less sexually attractive or more uncomfortable within themselves, etc etc.

        There may be something to the libido difference. There may not. But taking time to lovingly understand each other, make a safe space to openly discuss without judgment or taking offence, might reveal something OP was unaware of and can help to make the relationship satisfying for both of them.

        • prairiegrotto@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
          62·
          11 months ago

          We’ve talked about it before, and she’s told me that I am the best sexual partner she has ever had. To her, she is very satisfied. I’m very giving in bed (it helps I enjoy going down), and foreplay is always a long part of it. Sometimes hours before we actually have sex. The issue is that I am not satisfied, and she is. I have never once reached orgasm with her, as she finds PIV sex painful due to my size and is generally not a giving partner. She has given me oral maybe 4 times total in 6 months. So I guess now that I think about it, it’s not just frequency but sexual satisfaction during the act as well, on my end.