CW: mentions of smoking and cigarettes, depression and self-loathing
Hey comrades. Life has been absolutely kicking me while I’m down. Went to visit my parents this past weekend and they offered me a cigarette. I haven’t smoked in over a year. Told myself, just this once. Catharsis, sweet relief, you deserve it! You’ve been through hell!
Kept smoking. Kept smoking. Kept smoking. Promised my partner and my sibling that it was just a this weekend thing, I’ve been put through the ringer and will stop as soon as we leave.
Four and a half hour drive home. My hands hurt, my legs hurt, my back hurts, my head hurts, I can’t focus, I’m nervous, I’m swerving occasionally because I’m tired and I can’t keep my vision clear. The MonsterTM I drank earlier and the coffee I just downed aren’t helping, they’re making me more anxious if anything. Gotta stop, gotta pick up a pack of cigarettes. I’ll only smoke one for now to help me be alert and ease the pain. It did. For about 30 minutes.
Another. Another. Another. Another. Get home, get even more devastating news. Another. Another.
I feel like such a fucking idiot. I feel like I’ve been duped by Big Tobacco again like when I was a teen, I feel like I’ve completely failed in maintaining any semblance of willpower I have. I feel like I’ve failed my loved ones. I feel like I want to take smoking up again because it helped me keep off weight and forced me to walk and go outside more, and I could socialize easier with other smokers. It also dehydrates the hell out of me and makes my fingers stink like shit. It’s also disruptive as hell whenever the cravings kick in. It’s also expensive and stains my teeth. It helps my gums clot whenever they start to act up and bleed because of my dental crowding.
I’m sorry to anyone that thinks this is overdramatic and they’re just cigarettes. I’m also sorry for the ridiculous length of this post, I just wonder if any comrades have any thoughts or similar experiences or… whatever, y’know. Thanks if you’ve read this far.
Stay strong comrade. It’s not your fault for falling back into it. Everyone still loves and supports you. Work hard to restrain yourself!! I have also been going through some stressful times and I don’t really have anything to ease the pain. It sucks, but at least there are little things I can still do; like video games, eating, etc. It doesn’t feel like much but it’s the only shelter I have from this harsh world. I hope good things come your way comrade.
Thank you comrade, and ditto. I’m giving up most video games for a while because I had a bit of a League addiction (again), so that’s off the table haha. A lot of other things are looking up at least, it’s just hard to crawl out of the pit to get there. I just got some new John Grisham novels and have a bunch of awesome shows I need to watch, so I’ll use those to entertain myself for sure.
Maybe this is a spicy suggestion—still something to consider, if you really can’t quit and vaping is out of the question, consider getting a Wellbutrin prescription. I went from smoking daily from 18 to 27 to forgetting about cigarettes within a couple weeks—just completely lost the urge to smoke. I wasn’t even actively trying to quit, I take it to treat MDD.
I’m really sorry to hear that man. What did you do to quit before?
Thank you. I started vaping lol. I realized that was far, far worse for me because of the ludicrous potency of the nicotine in most vapes. Instead of heading outside to take a walk and smoke, I was lounging around absolutely lethargic because of the brainblast from it. Then if they got burned (which they did regularly because I suck at vaping) I would be inhaling straight formaldehyde from the burnt cotton. I quit that by chewing some nicotine gum, and by not allowing myself to purchase another… it was hell for a couple of weeks, but I got through it. I feel like I could probably do it again, the chemicals in my brain are just trying very hard to convince me that I don’t want to quit, I think.
I started smoking about 2 years ago in my late 20s because the world was stressing me out. It was stupid because I know better than to start a habit like that.
As of right now it’s been 16 hours since I last smoked and it hasn’t been too bad because work is distracting me and I have a wellbutrin prescription which I’m sure helps. If you can get a prescription for it I suggest you try it.
I started smoking about 2 years ago in my late 20s because the world was stressing me out
Same. Except I started because of work specifically. Though I don’t smoke too much. One or two sticks a day.
It started for me like that and then I was up to 4-6 a day.
It’s a good idea. I was on Wellbutrin when I was 18, for MDD, but it turned out that 1. if I drank more than a beer on it, I blacked out completely and 2. I actually am Bipolar and so it might have been doing more harm than good. It’s not a bad recommendation at all, I think it helped me with cravings back then, too, and I don’t really drink much anymore anyway, I’m mostly just worried about the interactions with my other meds. Thanks for the input and the kind words, both.
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In my state, I picked up vaping and quit entirely before I was even legal to purchase a single one. So I kinda speedran Nicotine
It’s crazy how many people I’d wager share that experience. Vaping is all over schools now (not like smoking isn’t still). After the nationwide ban on smoking under 21, I just (and I’m sure many others) just had friends buy cigarettes/vapes.
I didn’t even vape in HS, I just vaped for a year or so before basically 2 things got in the way. 1.) I hated the vapes I got they would make your throat feel like you had candy flavored phlegm and 2.) the dude that bought my vapes was rarely available so it was kinda nice to drop out from nicotine, I do take an occasional hit off a friend’s pen but I don’t really say that I vape at all
