CW: mentions of smoking and cigarettes, depression and self-loathing

Hey comrades. Life has been absolutely kicking me while I’m down. Went to visit my parents this past weekend and they offered me a cigarette. I haven’t smoked in over a year. Told myself, just this once. Catharsis, sweet relief, you deserve it! You’ve been through hell!

Kept smoking. Kept smoking. Kept smoking. Promised my partner and my sibling that it was just a this weekend thing, I’ve been put through the ringer and will stop as soon as we leave.

Four and a half hour drive home. My hands hurt, my legs hurt, my back hurts, my head hurts, I can’t focus, I’m nervous, I’m swerving occasionally because I’m tired and I can’t keep my vision clear. The MonsterTM I drank earlier and the coffee I just downed aren’t helping, they’re making me more anxious if anything. Gotta stop, gotta pick up a pack of cigarettes. I’ll only smoke one for now to help me be alert and ease the pain. It did. For about 30 minutes.

Another. Another. Another. Another. Get home, get even more devastating news. Another. Another.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I feel like I’ve been duped by Big Tobacco again like when I was a teen, I feel like I’ve completely failed in maintaining any semblance of willpower I have. I feel like I’ve failed my loved ones. I feel like I want to take smoking up again because it helped me keep off weight and forced me to walk and go outside more, and I could socialize easier with other smokers. It also dehydrates the hell out of me and makes my fingers stink like shit. It’s also disruptive as hell whenever the cravings kick in. It’s also expensive and stains my teeth. It helps my gums clot whenever they start to act up and bleed because of my dental crowding.

I’m sorry to anyone that thinks this is overdramatic and they’re just cigarettes. I’m also sorry for the ridiculous length of this post, I just wonder if any comrades have any thoughts or similar experiences or… whatever, y’know. Thanks if you’ve read this far.