This is exactly how I feel as a covid-aware disabled person living in current reality. I have had genuine crises of ideology through it. Myself and people like me have, in effect, been abandoned by all, in whom as a communist I place the utmost confidence for radical positive change, and that is such a fucked up contradiction to navigate. I have watched friends and friends of friends die and continue to die to this shit as the world moves on and tells us we are in the wrong and actively punishes us for caring, and those of us not lucky enough to remain to struggle easily forgotten.

I have no faith in anyone anymore, especially not in the imperial core and especially not after witnessing the fallout of last October. Not after seeing everyone go back to brunch in '21 throwing any semblance of community care and public health away. Not after being in the summer of '20 George Floyd riots in my city and seeing in real-time the BLM movement co-opted and defanged right in my backyard. It feels like more and more of a depraved and hopeless situation in the western world- and most of all in the US- to me.

It’s not in my nature to stop resising, as I’m sure can be said for you, too. I said it elsewhere and I’ll say it here: as long as I’m alive and able, I’m not going out without giving these people hell to pay and I will never stop doing what I can for the struggle and what little of my comrades in that struggle remain that I can cling to. I owe no less to myself at the very least; you owe it to yourself. We are correct, and that has to amount to something in the end.

“I know that after my death a pile of rubbish will be heaped on my grave, but the wind of History will sooner or later sweep it away without mercy.”

The propaganda really does hurt, especially seeing what it does to others. So many people I love I now have to contend with being pretty much fascists who at near every chance given will gleefully talk my ear off about how stupid the Palestinians are for not liking the US or how protestors should be locked up/run over; they even donate to the IDF. Perfectly intelligent and empathetic people suddenly acting like monsters. It’s made it so much harder to be around those close to me.

Feeling gaslit by the imperialists and genocidal sociopaths. You’re on the right side, comrade. Thanks for putting your ethics and morals into action.

the very society I need to contribute to, is supporting genocide

Are you finding that to be true even with younger people? I would expect them to be at least less disinformed than older folks. If so, it might make sense to focus your efforts there.

But I hear you. Where I live, it’s as if Palestine doesn’t even exist. Only one protest was organized after October 7th, and since then it seems everyone is back to normal.