China has long had its place in the world as a major polluter, having burned 14000% of its own coal consumption since the brutal, bloody Chinese revolution in the 1948 tunaman massacre. Yet China today is switching gears, presenting itself to the world as a benevolent green superpower----or so the authoritarian Xi regime tells its befuddled citizens.
Here at the China Bad Times, we’ve contacted top China experts at Radio Free Radical, one of the top oxygen think tanks in the US. And they’ve got news for us: China is flooding our markets with cheap oxygen, and fast. “If we don’t take action soon,” warns Boot Liquer, top analyst at RFR, “then our domestic trees could be seriously harmed. And we’ve got to protect our markets, because god knows what China puts in their air.”
“In the US, we just can’t put out oxygen as fast as China can,” Liquer explains as we tour a US forest, taking care to avoid being hit by falling tree trunks as logging teams clear land for planting more drugs to fund covert CIA operations in the global south. “You see, in the US we have worker’s protections, and unions, and retirements and such. We’re humanitarian----we care about our trees. But there’s no such protection in China. They’ve stripped their plants completely bare. You wouldn’t believe the brutal level of exploitation. Hell, they don’t even feed their plants any food. They’re forced to only live on water.”
Liquer takes us to RFR’s base, where he shows us unreleased footage of Xi’s secret plans.
“Now, it might seem like we’re breaking the rules of the free market when we’re raising concerns about Chinese air. But we’re just playing fair, trying to combat China’s unfair business practices. Two wrongs make a right, you know. While the US has always had honor and respect in the global market, China’s ruthless. For example, they’ve illegally supplied the Hufies in Yemen with air. This supply is so vital that without it all of their fighters would die in minutes. Similarly, they’ve been giving billions and billions of metric tons of air to Russia. Without this supply Ukraine would be halfway to ladistock now. China’s denying it, of course. Well to hell with them. They know as well as we do that those orcs would be suffocating without Chinese aid. It’s the least we can do to try to curb the flow of their cheap shit into our market.”
Liquer leads us out of the RFR facility, and we’re greeted on both sides by CIA agents fresh from torture operations in Guatemala bay. As we part, he offers us one last line of advice.
“Some people say, China’s not even actively exporting air to us. How can you say they’re flooding our markets?”
“Well, there’s one response to these people. We’re racists here. We’re fucking racists, not logicians. Always remember that.”
At press time, The China Bad Times wishes to express that unlike the racists at Radio Free Radical, we have intelligence that China is flooding US markets with air passively, using the same secretive techniques to enter U.S. airspace as the so-called weather balloon.
The same weather balloon they use to spray us with havana syndrome rays, hmph.
It’s getting pretty stale, MI6 needs to come out with a twink gun or something
Oxygen is a CCP asset. Without it, the communist Chinese regime would collapse.
The scary thing is we don’t even know where the oxygen we consume is sourced from! I advocate for all western leaders to institute an immediate boycott of all oxygen and oxygen related products until freedom.
Concerning
Looking into this
Thanks for this grassroots journalism, the crew at The China Bad Times is doing a great job. As a concerned citizen, what kinds of measures should me and my family take to combat Chinese oximperialism? We have been taking breathing breaks regularly but it doesn’t seem enough, should we put down our pets?
Just don’t breathe, it’s that easy. You don’t know what kind of nasty chemicals those Chinese are putting in the air you breathe. No regulations and all that, completely unlike the west.
Chinese oxygen is a national security risk so the US must put a 25% tariff on all oxygen not produced by US trees.
Our trees need to earn their oxygen.
SMDH
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How long do you reckon until Jordan Peterson tweets one of these articles unironically?
I feel like lemmygrad itself is too obscure and this community even more so, but there was that “tankie” paper a while back so… you never know.