I’ve been single for 5 years now, and not really in any rush to “settle down” or “find the one”, but I’ve been on a numerous dates, have dated several people for a month of two, but it always seem to fall apart one way or another.
I’m not ugly, and think I’m pretty fun to be around/positive, funny, maybe a bit eccentric, but nothing too bad by any means.
I have no idea why I struggle with dating and maintaining relationships, so I wanted to know if there was any way how I can see what it’s like dating me from the opposite perspective?
If you’re up for it, why not ask your past dates why they think you guys didn’t work out, or what you could work on as a person. People you’ve spent time with will probably give you the most objective take if there was anything other than “we just didn’t mesh”.
That being said, you need to be able to handle criticism (constructive or not) in order for that conversation to happen and benefit you
And if you’re the type that does not handle criticism well, don’t expect honest answers. So you should first determine if you are ok at handling criticism.
And if you’re that type, we’ve already found the answer you wanted in the first place.
That said, also remember everyone has their emotional baggage so if ppl criticise you, don’t take it at face value eather.
I know, criticism and therefore self-reflection is hard. I’ve been over overcompensating and self optimizing to the point that ppl tell me to start being more confident and basically try do more mistakes. It’s always a balancing act.
And part of his problem might be who he’s chosing to date. Bad partner choices aren’t necessarily going to give you helpful feedback.
You’re sending our guy on the High Fidelity path. Be careful OP, Cusak thought he wanted the feedback, too.
I suggest you try cognitive behavioral therapy. It’s a great way of understanding your own behaviors and how they may be affecting people around you in ways you don’t see.
https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/patients-and-families/cognitive-behavioral
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/cognitive-behavioral-cbt
thats for the mentally handycapped dude he asked for normal people help
no offense doc
Achshually, CBT is for people that generally have their full mental capacities because it requires them to consciously and directly focus on their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. The cognitive part in particular requires certain mental abilities. Some mental incapacities prevent this type of cognitive introspection, so those individuals would benefit more from therapies that are more indirect in nature, such as ones that fall under the psychodynamic umbrella, acceptance & commitment, values-oriented, solution-focused, or skills training.
ok
What? Cognitive behavioral therapy is not for the mentally handicapped. It’s for anyone.
yea have your son tell everyone at school he is doing that after school if it aint a bad word /s
bullies aint thinkers and definitely not googlers
How do you get dates because it can be a big factor. My last several relationships have been with people I’ve met in my day to day despite using dating apps to meet people during that duration. Honestly beyond hookups I’d almost suggest staying clear of them. Especially since people are particularly picky on these dating apps and a lot of it is quantity over quality. Meeting people who share similar hobbies/interests to you is the ideal way imo.
I wish I could take that advice (despite telling others the same thing).
I met my girlfriend through Tinder. We’re together 8 years now and have a lovely little girl of 18 months.
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If you are meeting people on dating apps, there is a weird culture of ghosting/soft ghosting. These interactions are so come and go that “breaking off” each manually would be a lot of work, so people just tend to let the conversation fizzle or just stop responding and it’s very much just expected at this point. And, due to the constant connectivity of it, people never stop swiping/interacting, so those few months you were casually seeing someone, they were probably keeping their options open by talking with other people. So the bar to keep someone around is now pretty high because these people are also having constant suitors knocking.
It’s a brave new world with these apps. They’ve entirely changed dating and the interaction/connection of it all. “Drew” is a relatively androgynous name, so I dunno your gender or orientation, but it’s that way across the board. I’ve been seeing someone for…jeez, at this point a couple months. But I still log into the apps most days to swipe, see who likes me, have a conversation, etc. I assume the woman I’m seeing is doing the same because we haven’t established boundaries like that yet. Who knows if we will. But I’ll tell you, even after those boundaries are established, these apps are meant to be addictive, so I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of people kept using them in secret. Who knows. Things just work this way now.
But, to more directly answer your question, I second the cognitive behavioral therapy. Always a good suggestion, but probably very helpful in this case.
This right here is the answer.
Personally, I had to get off the dating apps and meet someone through my real life social networks. The apps were somewhat fun, but they promote a dating culture where everyone is “disposable” and everyone has a feeling there might be someone better if they keep swiping.
It’s easy to form a more meaningful connection when you have other things bringing you together beyond an app (mutual friends, school, work, shared hobby, etc).
absolutely the best and most nuanced advice
it is absolutely a cultural thing
Ask a friend / your friends about an outside perspective. Someone who knows you and who tells you the truth.
A simple solution is to just start a journal. Every night you can write a little bit about your own day, and a little bit about your partner’s day. See how they overlap and how much good you are doing for each other. Once you’ve had this for a while, read back through and look for problem areas or things you’re already good at.
use gamer headphones on a pc and use software to listwn to your voice through the mike
The best way to do it is to go into therapy.
You don’t have to go to therapy for the rest of your life. If you want to just work on one thing, like discovering why you can’t get into a long term relationship, then that could be as easy as 6-8 weeks once or twice a week for a half hour.
You don’t even have to leave home as nearly all the independent therapists do therapy via video call.
I used to run a therapy business that focused on sex ant trauma with my ex-wife, and people coming in with your issues was about 1/3 of the business sometimes.
Another thing that’s great about independent therapists, is that will work with you on a sliding scale so that each session won’t break the bank. We would get reimbursed by grants and the government, so it doesn’t really harm the therapist in any way.
Check out Psychology Today to find a good therapist near you
There’s always room for improvement, and it’s entirely possible that you are at fault, given that you are the common denominator of these failed relationships as you claim.
But do consider this: there is a possibility that the issue doesn’t revolve around how you behave, but perhaps the issue is in who (and maybe when) you are choosing to date. Maybe your expectations need to be adjusted?
I guess you could hire someone as a dating coach maybe. I can ask the wife. Everyone I date, next person they date they marry (that’s why I dated my wife twice). I suspect it’s relief but telling people that would be bad for my business model so ignore what I just said.
Everyone I date, next person they date they marry
… Is that you, Chuck?
Do yourself a favor if possible and go to another country. I grew up in the US and I was hopeless. I always had to settle and I was very unhappy. Even if you can’t just up and move, at least vacation to somewhere in Latin America or somewhere with a better, more extroverted culture for a couple of weeks. You’ll meet so many people, truly live, and gain a lot of confidence. I moved two years ago and I’m about to get married
Edit: Quick side note, try Ritalin with alcohol. With that combo, you’ll make Casanova look like McLovin. Just remember to drink plenty of water
doing drugs is the most radical advice lol
I know it’s a controversial statement but it worked for me. Some people need an extra kick to get in the zone
yea you are totally right but i want to be sober when i am around women
That escalated quickly
