Only a few months ago did I realize I was a cis man, I am 24. I have thought I was a trans woman or nonbinary for 13 years.

I realize now that I only felt that way because my bipolar disorder along with traumas that occured down the way were shackling me from achieving true self-actualization and I was searching to forge my own identity from the ground up rather than synthesizing my pre-existing, vestigial self with the person I know I am, the person I want to be.

I realized I was uncomfortable with manhood because men have hurt me really badly. Internalizing the “all men” narrative also kept me from identifying with the label, I wanted to rise above manhood, and thusly become worthy of women’s and nonbinary people’s attention.

I am a fringe case. There were other, more personal psychosexual forces lending my thoughts towards womanhood. I’d never want my experience to indicate at the dangers of transition or whatever. I am simply more aware of who I am now.

I am still devoted to being a good man, but it’s a much different battle, one I’ve been pushing off for far too long.