I’m very sorry for rambling and writing terribly. It’s very late where I am and I feel exhausted after spending all day fighting myself again. I’ve been putting off sending a post like this for a while, but I just feel like I’m at the end of my rope. Hopefully I make at least a little sense. I just started typing and wrote from my heart without looking back. Thank you for reading.
I’m just very confused and its destroying my mental health. Thinking of the future in general is soul sucking. I don’t have dreams of traveling anymore, or going out with friends, or having a family or a high paying job. All I have is stress and fear from the very idea of working 40+ hour weeks at a dead end capitalist job with no vacations, no benefits, no sick days, playing a capitalist rat race, not having enough money to save up and support myself, and not having enough time or money to do anything interesting or worthwhile. I feel like I’m trapped in a cruel hell.
I’m currently in the college hell of trying to determine what to major in, and more importantly pursue in the future as a career or field. I’m quite lost and extremely anxious going through this. I feel that most of my interests are laughable and/or translate to poorly paying jobs, or are social “negatives” that can only be rarely applied in a very niche collection of spaces in a capitalist system (i.e. Marxism). For example I was very interested in political sciences, but jobs are one in a million if I weren’t to pursue academia or law which I’m not particularly interested in. Even then what little jobs there are are pretty much all for neoliberal, conservative, and imperialist; corporations, thinktanks, and government institutions. Along with that, all my dreams of the future feel empty and impossible now, as I have a hard time finding any strength to fight back against the system alone. It’s hard to see the purpose is trying. I feel like I made a big mistake walking out Plato’s cave and seeing the world for what it is. I wish I could go back to the blissful ignorance.
I can’t even decide what I like anymore, I don’t enjoy anything useful like Comp Sci or Medicine, and I don’t feel a particular strong passion or interest for any field, even ones that don’t pay well or are rare. For example I have a friend in art school, which while an unconventional and poorly respected path in the capitalist hellscape, they find great passion and interest in what they do and love every moment of it. Letting them pay little attention to the future.
Meanwhile I feel trapped thinking about the failure I will amount to as I am stuck paralyzed. All I can think about is the hellscape of the system I’m trapped in with no way to claw out of. Like a bad dream that you can’t wake up from.
I’m very privileged to have been able to see a a very distinguished and well respected therapist and psychologist for what’s been going on in my life, but even they’re clueless. All they can give are sad platitudes, and depressing agreement to what I say. They are a wonderful person and try their best, but it seems like there’s little someone can do to help a problem like this.
I feel trapped and cursed.
And people wonder why I’m constantly having to talk myself out of a rope, lmao. Born here, disabled, and mentally ill; and I’m supposed to concentrate on college work in a field where the odds of me getting hired remote(when I’m medically ‘discouraged’ from driving) are about as long me winning the Powerball? It’s a laugh riot, except I don’t find it funny anymore
Alot of it has to do with perspective.
Rejoice! for everything solid may collapse soon! You have a vision of what you desire for this world, thus it has lead you to forums like these! What part of the world do you want to refine that vision for the socialist world? What skills would that require? Can you refine those skills in capitalism?
Disabled? You understand how some of the simplest things to most are hard for you. You can focus your attention for making the world easier for you and there will be marginal benefits for the “abled” that come with it.
Can’t drive? Fuck driving! We want some fucking trains (and buses if we don’t have the political power yet). Remote work may be the future too. When you work you can unionize whatever industry you are in and use your compassion for others to acknowlege what is wrong and not feel powerless in the face of it.
Look at this capitalist hellscape and understand that the more rotten the things you see means that you can envision better versions. The rotten appearance may come from the contradiction of what you know in your heart is possible and what you see in the outside. If it is truely rotten, the material conditions that allow it to exist will stop sustaining it, thus you have no need to fear whatever that thing is. Instead, just build a better replacement with the proletariat for the proletariat. While you are young, just work on skills to help fix whatever pisses you off the most.
We are all going to die regardless! Find people in your area to persue a hobby that doesn’t cost much so that you can enjoy your life while you have it. If the capitalist system wants you to wollow in sorrow and despair, tell it to fuck off and bring joy to others and yourself. If you can embody your ideals and others know that you are an example of an awesome communist in their lives despite their limitations, you can be inspiring towards our cause! If you are thinking of offing yourself, DON’T! Don’t burden the work of killing you upon yourself. Use that lack of fear of death to help people and do awesome things.
Just keep in mind that you don’t have to do it all. Just know that a small piece of the revolution lives through you if you act on it. You are but a small piece of a greater whole.
You don’t need to know everything either. The internet tempts you with that. You know that the profit motive and capitalism ruin everything in obvious ways and that the climate is changing to create more natural disasters. Don’t worry about every detail to burden your mind on how it happens in every context and focus on what you can control. Don’t worry about what doesn’t work, build with what you know will work.