Just finished my first day. I only had one class and it didn’t even go the full length as we only went over what to expect in the class, typical first day stuff.

I’m writing this because even though I only had one class I was still scared shitless. I was shaking like mad walking through the different buildings looking for my class. I almost fell down the stairs in my panic. Battling the constant negative thoughts with some semblance of neutrality and logic was taxing as hell.

I was so embarrassed just walking down the halls. Everyone looked so fashionable and sure of themselves, I felt like a loser to be honest. My fit was definitely a bit weird and I just caved in on myself, to the point I was too scared to properly stomp the snow off my boots.

I waited outside the class door until it was the scheduled time, but when I went in the auditorium was almost full. I was confused if I was interrupting the previous class. But since this is day one of the year the classes ended way earlier, letting the next class enter early as well. Doesn’t seem like a big deal but all these little bumps felt like an earthquake to me. I even made sure to take my meds but I was still anxious as hell.

I was just filled with self doubt: my hair looks awful, my clothes are stupid, I’m tracking in wet snow, I shouldn’t keep my coat on, is my typing too loud? Does my screen saver look stupid? What app is everyone else using? And many more.

Although, I’m still excited and determined. It seems impossible that I’d feel that way but I know this is my first step in my long term plans. Get your honours undergrad, work towards your PhD, graduate with a PhD, and get to work changing the world.

My professors seem really nice and chill, even giving study tips to help us not get overwhelmed. I’m looking forward to the start of my other courses and hopefully this anxiety will lessen.

Definitely a day to tell my therapist lol