I just had to report something to the police that will probably end a very close friendship of mine, but it was something that was totally not okay and I had to do it. But I still feel like a piece of shit for it. Have you ever felt like this and how did you get through it?
Scale and scope. If you snitched on him for weed, you suck. If he’s messing with kids, fuck em.
Phrasing!
Well shit.
What’s the problem?
If you saw someone stealing food, no you fucking didn’t
Due to my job I was a mandatory reporter for suspected child abuse.
This means I was legally liable to report any suspicion of child abuse or neglect. I could lose my job, face a fine, and/or face jail time.
I had to call CPS for a friend’s kid.
The friend was not the problem, her ex husband was.
Long story short, the kid is fine, and the friend now has a different spouse and many more kids with the new spouse, lol.
It was the right thing to do, even though the friend didn’t want to involve a government agency to handle it. Just caused a strained friendship for a while.
Wow that’s a tough one. I’m glad it worked out
Feeling like shit for a shorter amount of time knowing I did the right thing, far outweighs the longer feeling of guilt for not speaking up. At least when you say something, it stops there, and you don’t go down the mindfuck of “what if”.
The ruminating over the “What ifs…” is absolutely fucking torture in any scenario. Self doubt is a removed.
It sure is torture. Your mind can be it’s own worst enemy sometimes. It has taken me many years to learn how to love myself and just release my grip a little onto whatever is holding me back. By no ways am I able to just let it go, but with time I have at least started to realise that I can let things go more easily. I know I sound old when I say that too, but I guess that’s the whole journey we all go through. It all happens at the right time.
This describes it perfectly. Still feel bad for ending a relationship, but no “what if”-s ever come to my mind - you just did what was right, no matter how many introspections you have had later, and that’s the end of it.
You have a wonderful outlook, and hope that stays with you. I find your comment positive, and that positivity has charged me up… thank you
There’s something to be said for putting the blame where it belongs, which is likely not on you.
If your friend did something illegal that could harm others, it needed to be handled. Period. It’s a natural response that any decent person should take. The blame is not on the reporter, it’s on your friend for doing something so bad you felt compelled to report it.
And a bonus fuck him for putting you in that position where you now have to wrestle with self-doubt. That’s not a good friend, leaving you to bear the emotional burden of his actions.
You saw an injustice and felt called to speak up, so you took responsibility and stood up for what you believed in. You did so even knowing that it would be uncomfortable and might cost you a friendship. That was really courageous.
It’s normal to feel like shit when you find yourself in a scenario when all the options seem terrible, but your actions show that you have real integrity, and it’s okay to pat yourself on the back for that.
It’s also okay to mourn the friendship, it’s okay to recognize the effect this may have on this person and feel for them, and it’s okay to take time to process your feelings about the whole thing; however, I will caution you to avoid delving into self-deprecating territory. Any consequences that they face for what they did will ultimately be because of their own choices–not yours.
Just to drive it home: you aren’t getting them in trouble. They’re getting in trouble for what they did. What you did was trust your gut and call out something harmful.
Know that everything you’re feeling is totally valid, and please be kind to yourself and try to remember that you did the best thing you could in a difficult situation.
EDIT: I wrote this without knowing the details of what happened, then I read your comment about what happened and I am doubling-down hard on what I said. You def made the right call, you are brave as hell for pursuing that, and the person you reported needed to be stopped. It’s understandable why your friend didn’t press charges (though I personally believe that to be a mistake), but you did right by her and this dude’s future victims. It’s okay if she doesn’t see that, and it’s okay if she’s upset with you–she’s clearly in a very complicated situation right now and her feelings are valid, too–but please know that you absolutely did the right thing.
Thank you friend I really appreciate that a lot.
How did I get through it? I just felt like shit for a while. That’s it. The only way out is through.
I felt like I caused a bad chain reaction in my IRL family. My sister was in a heated family court case against her ex-spouse and the custody battles for her son aka my nephew. I worked and voiced against her in the whole case which cast a black cloud of judgment over me by everyone else. She was just, doing every possible thing wrong in the whole case. Blaming her ex-spouse’s daughter in baseless claims, fruitlessly attacking her ex-spouse for unrelated incidents. She was just not painting a good picture of a mother who cared about her children, it was just “I was in what I felt was a bad marriage and I want to make my ex husband pay!” rhetoric.
In the end, she lost. She not only lost custody of her son, but got to serve 10 days in jail as an example set by the judge of the court room. Similar circumstances almost repeated themselves years later when she stupidly had sex with former ex-spouse to try and win custody and alimony for their daughter aka my niece. She lost that case too and I stood my own ground.
I felt bad all around for the entirety of both cases. It didn’t need to happen. It shouldn’t have happened. If only she wasn’t a dumbfuck with the outdated, feminist mindset of “MAN BAD!” which is ultimately what costed her both cases. So now, niece and nephew are just out there enduring the trials of being motherless and who knows what their futures will be when the day comes that they will reflect on this.
Wow that’s rough. Pretty much the type of situation I asked this question for. Hope everything’s going well.
That feeling is how I know I did the right thing. Backing out of a fight or an argument for me always feels wrong for me, too.
I think the big thing is sometimes giving it time. In hindsight the other person may agree that you did the right thing.
Ultimately if you can justify it to yourself based off morals that make sense, time will heal the wound.
All the best.
It’s always a tough thing to do, but if they’re doing something fucked, you made the right decision. For me I’ve never been through something like this, but things tend to be similar, you’re going to feel bad for awhile but it’ll get better with time.
It’s normal because of conflicting values. In your case probably because of loyalty vs social obligation. Do what’s right, and time will often heal.
every morning when I have to wake up, yeah.
Maybe you feel like a piece of shit because you didn’t do the right thing and you know it. We can’t know, because you don’t want to give details, and that’s OK. But, was this “totally not OK” thing “really fucked up”, or just “totes not cool bro”? If it’s the latter you probably got involved in something that was none of your business, if it’s the former then maybe you should contemplate why you feel like shit? If you stopped something really fucked up from continuing then you did the right thing. If this close friendship will end because of it, why does your friend have a problem with you reporting it?
I reported her new boyfriend for installing spyware on her phone without her knowledge so he could spy on our conversations and I have heard him telling people information about me that he had obtained through the spyware. I told her I wouldn’t do it, but I talked to my therapist and they said I had to do something because she leaves her kid with him and he can continue doing this to other women in the future. She won’t press charges though.
You absolutely did the right thing and I understand why you feel like shit about it. It’s definitely going to be rough to get through but just make sure you also protect yourself in all of this.
Thanks friend.
You did the right thing.
I mean, I really can’t disagree with what you did. I speak as someone who makes my own spyware for adversary emulation purposes.
Abusive relationships can really fuck with judgements and warp what is acceptable. If her head is too clouded to not see the dangers then you needed to step in.
Thank you
What a piece of shit. That guy I mean ofc.
Why in the fuck would she keep fucking with some loser who installs spyware on her phone? Even leaving her kid with him?
Okay.
- you did the right thing
- it’s not your fault.
- I’m going to say that again: it’s NOT YOUR FAULT.
Okay. Read those again after this next part… she’s probably getting abused. Or is about to be. That level of controlling behavior is insane. It may not be physical yet, it may never get physical. But it’s likely she’s being emotionally abused and controlled.
I would definitely ask your therapist for guidance here. Or at least talk to them about it.
Despite it being awful- it’s still her choice to be in that relationship and it’s extremely unlikely anything you say is going to get her out of it; until she’s ready to leave.
It’s up to you if you want to move on from her, or try to stay “there” for her. Both paths are difficult and hard…
One. More time:
None of this is your fault. At all. There is nothing to feel guilty about.
Thank you friend
I saw your previous post and just wanna weigh in and say you did the right thing.
Yeah I deleted it in case shit hit the fan and I have too much detail, but fuck that guy now I don’t care. I’m just happy to have a place like this where I can ask advice and get peoples real experiences in situations like I’m currently in. I appreciate it.
Think what would happen if you’d stayed silent? It feels bad to talk to the cops, but bit the boyfriend was doing creepy stuff and breaking laws.
You did the right thing. Props.
Thank you.
I’m not sure why you’re getting downvoted. OP didn’t provide enough info and you worked through the cases.
It’s because I mentioned the remote possibility that OP didn’t do the right thing and should feel bad, and you can’t do that, you have to make emotional assumptions and give advice with no information whatsoever.
It was a fair response and comment, don’t worry about it
Yeah, I’m talking about tye lurkers, they don’t usually like it when you ask the hard questions.
My goal was to maybe help you think more clearly on your situation. Sounds like you were right from your detailed response. Good luck with it.
Didn’t work out for the best, unfortunately.
I had to resign because they were bringing him back.
