I am a very misunderstood individual in many ways, and it seems that, with that, something that a lot of people, even other black people, cannot understand is my damn hair.
I have freeform dreadlocks. My hair was crafted in such a fashion entirely by nature. It took no salon appointments, it took no special technique using a sponge or microfiber towel, and the only thing I actively “do” to my hair for maintenance is that I wash it with a specialty 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner every 5 days. That’s it. I also sleep on bed sheets and pillowcases made of polyester satin to prevent friction that you’d normally get overnight.
I have been very damn patient with this process, waiting a long time to get my hair at the length and maturity that it is now. It still continues to grow and develop, and every single change I notice in the mirror makes my heart light up with joy and excitement.
Recently, I had a family member who hadn’t seen me in person in a very long time say “Angel, you need a comb!”. Her tone made it sound a joke, but there is no such thing as that shit being a fucking joke for me.
Imagine me being very happy, content, and excited with how I’m going about my hair, finding a lot of peace in the process and the way I handle it, and some person in my own fucking family offers a suggestion where they effectively fucking say “Throw away everything you’ve been doing with your hair by my own simple-minded recommendation.” I didn’t fucking ask you to comment on my damn hair in the first place!
I notice a lot of people who make these comments because they think my hairstyle might be “unintentional.” Like, they might be thinking, “You got a bunch of “messy” dreads that don’t look like the neat and stylish manicured dreadlocks that a lot of other people with dreadlocks have? Oh, that must be because you got there by mistake by being too negligent with taking care of your hair. Let me offer you a suggestion!”
Because my hair is unconventional, I think this leads people to feel a burning need to not just let it slide. They’ve never seen a hairstyle like this in their life, so surely they must fucking comment on it, right? No, they don’t need to fucking comment on it! Even if my hairstyle is “unconventional,” stop fucking assuming that I want to hear what you have to say about my hair, and furthermore, stop fucking assuming that I want you to specifically give me recommendations for other ways I can go about my hair because I don’t fucking want to go about my hair in a different way. And don’t even get me started on ways crackers have reacted to my hair.
I picked my hairstyle for multiple reasons, including the cultural connection to my Afro-Caribbean heritage, specifically how easy it is to maintain it, how it only costs me the occasional refill of shampoo, how it lets me give a big fuck you to typical beauty standards around hair, its uniqueness (its natural essence means that every set of freeform dreads is special in its own way), and that I simply just fucking like how it looks on me.
I am tired of people assuming that I’m, at all, open to anything different. I like what I’m doing with my hair, and that’s that. I don’t want to do “semi-freeform” dreadlocks or go for braids, manicured dreads, or anything else. I am doing exactly what I want, and if people can’t have the decency to simply accept that and shut the fuck up, then they better not be surprised when I don’t act decent when they open their mouth about it.
This situation is the most “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” moment I’ve ever had.
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I feel for you there. When I tried growing my hair out for a year, my father kept calling me a bum until I finally cut it. I hate how people can be controlling like that.
Long hair on dudes is hot and I’m tired of people pretending it isn’t
It is hot, every summer I think about cutting mine. But I’ve been letting grow for like 8 years so not gonna happen no matter how hot it gets.
I’m so glad I live by myself. It’s insane how there are even so many black people who are so unfamiliar with natural black hair that they’ll feel the need to be judgemental of people like me for exercising my own autonomy with my hair. “Nappy” is one I get a lot.
I can’t imagine what that’s like, i do basically nothing to maintain my long hair. I have had a complete stranger stop me on a hot summer’s day and tell me I’d be less hot if I got a haircut.
What gives people such misplaced confidence that they know better than another when it comes to something as personal as hair?
Gah, I hate status quo warriors. It sucks that people feel like they have to comment on stuff that isn’t their business.
I’m sure your hair rocks
My in-laws constantly telling me I should use this shampoo that will “regrow” my hair. Aside from the expense, the side-effects, and the fact that it’s snake oil, fuck you, let me go bald in peace.
What you’re doing with your hair is healthier for it than a lot of “acceptable” stylings for black hair. One thing I would say though, not a “do a different routine” thing but rather what you do it with: a lot of those 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioners have stuff in them like sulfates that are not good for curly/textured/black hair. So would be a good idea to check the ingredients on it to make sure there’s nothing problematic in it.
I ALWAYS check ingredients (especially because of veganism), and I already know what is and what is not harmful for dreadlocks. FURTHERMORE, the 2-in-1 I got is specifically for dreadlocks. I appreciate your concern but please don’t assume that I have ignorance on how to consider products for my own hair. Why wouldn’t I know? Knowing about harmful ingredients in hair products is one of the most essential yet basic bits of knowledge to have for doing any form of dreadlocks.
Not assuming, just making sure. Sorry if I offended.
No problem.
Even though your advice wasn’t as bad as what most people would give, I think it’s a trigger for me because it’s still a reminder of people giving unsolicited advice about my hair in general. This is especially a problem for me because, like my post said, a lot of people give me “advice” because they think I’m ignorant about hair care. I know full well what I’m doing with my hair, and that’s specifically because I took the time to research and find out every aspect of hair care that I need to know for the best freeform dreadlock experience possible. I don’t need anyone to hold my hand or guide me to any particular advice about hair care, full stop.
I hope you understand.
Sorry people are treating you like that. A lot of people seem to think that socializing means getting in each other’s business and making comments, usually presumptuous ones. Your experience reminds me of people whose family or friends keep asking them about when they’re having kids even though the person is obviously unhappy with being asked. Normative nonsense being foisted on a person just being themselves and having an otherwise decent time.
PS freeform dreads are cool and I’m glad you’re happy with them!
Yeah I hate that so much, I’m balding and my facial hair is wild — I keep it clean but I do not trim or style it or anything. Not because I’m lazy, in fact I think shaving is relaxing and feels good, but I just like the way I look with a crazy unkempt beard. Also I literally do not care that I am going bald.
I ether get the “have you tried rogaine?” or “have you done this with your beard?” I just respond with “have you tried shutting the fuck up?” If someone is gonna be rude to me I’m just gonna match their energy.
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Oh man I hear that. I’ve got coarse-assed 4C that used to be a lot more Troy Palomalu-texture before my abusive stand-in fucked it all up when I was a little one; and I’ve only NOW gotten it back out to a point where fresh out of a wash and conditioning, it’s damn near a foot long in places when it’s not tightly coiled in. Took me nearly ten years to get to this point, but if I don’t hear people constantly telling me I need to get a good fade or some shit…
I want it to get to a point you’re talking about, because when I let it go, I do notice it trying to bind together in almost-locs in a LOT OF PLACES with the length it’s at now; but this post is a really good reminder that I’m probably gonna be hearing even more of the same shit you talk about hearing yourself from the people in my orbit. Peace, sibling; I feel what you’re going through.
