It’s way easier to accidentally misgender people you know than it is for a stranger. I sometimes misgender or deadname my sister because I’ve known her as a him with a different name way longer, and sometimes my brain just resets to factory default.
Yup, I’ve been there.
A friend of mine from the first job I had after high school transitioned maybe ten years ago (a time gap of about twenty years).
She would get pissed that I would deadname her, and sometimes use the wrong pronouns, partially because I would meet other trans people through her and never fuck up. I kept apologizing, and explained that it isn’t intentional, it’s just decades of brain patterns being laid down with the old name. It took me damn near five years to totally switch over without an occasional fuckup.
It’s a thing, it turns out. Even the most supportive, staunch allies have trouble switching those patterns because they’re kinda etched into the brain. It happens when people make other name changes too. Happens with titles after promotions, with surnames after marriage, or just random name changes for personal preference. Name changes during transition aren’t any different in the amount of time it takes to switch gears.
Doesn’t really make it any easier for the trans person, of course, but at least it can help them to know it isn’t intentional.
Hell, I have friends who have changed their names for non-transy reasons. I just kinda suck with names to begin with, so it takes a minute for their names to click so I don’t accidentally deadname Becky (yeah I wonder why she goes by her middle name now) and some of my other friends I’ve known since we were knee high to a grasshopper. Hell, one’s my cousin and it can take me ten minutes to remember which variation of his name he’s using this decade. It’s kind of easier to remember my trans friends’ new names because (at least with my friends specifically) their name change coincided with a look change and I’m a very visual person.
“which name they’re going by this decade”
It’s boggles my mind some folks (not that you did) bring this up as a refutation of some sort. A habitual Thanksgiving guest has been figuring some stuff out for a while. I couldn’t care less what they go by, except in so far as I hope it makes them happy. Like I guess I’d be happy to see it consistent because that means that person found something they’re extra comfy in, but in meantime you do you… And please pass the gravy… And also what did you think about starfield… Only reason we need to talk about it is if you need someone to talk to.
You’re a little oversensitive to someone sharing their internal process. Some of us suck with names. If you can’t deal with being called the wrong name sometimes, maybe you don’t belong in society.
Fair enough. That’s because I’ll admit it’s not something that makes a ton of sense to me; I’ve always felt pretty comfy in my own skin. On the other hand, I certainly have felt unwelcome, and wouldn’t want someone to feel that way. So it’s nice to hear whats going on in other peoples heads.
Haven’t really had to deal with this much, but getting immediate family member’s name correct the first time is a challenge for me even when they’ve always had the same name. If their names start with the same letter, their names may get mixed up often…
I too have to check my license and probably also ask what year it is when anyone asks me how old I am.
I missed a job opportunity because in my CV I was 24yo, in the interview I said I was 26yo, then corrected myself and realized I haven’t had my birthday this year.
Probably dodged a bullet if they are that uptight lol
There were likely other reasons. It’s not like the person doing the interview is going to say, “you did great, if it wasn’t for the age thing we would have hired you. You really fucked that up.”
After the milestone birthdays are done, you can drink, rent a car cheaper, etc, there’s not much of a point to remember exactly how old you are. Most people I know screw it up all the time starting sometime in their mid-20s when your birthday becomes just another day.
That sucks
I would argue that making a mistake or not knowing does not count as misgendering.
The mistake is still a misgender. It’s just whether it’s interpreted as rude or not.
Once they are corrected, it will be MUCH easier to tell if they’re intentionally being rude or not.
I screw this up all. The. Time. I’m very good about not dead naming but really bad at pronouns. It’s never been an issue because I’m putting forward the effort, people understand it’s not intentionally disrespectful, and it helps I routinely get the names (birth names, that they’ve had for 30+ years) of decades long friends wrong.
I know that doesn’t make it OK and I still try. But people act like if you mess up you’re instantly beaten to death by a mob. Respect and welcomeness shows through even if you screw up. I know it’s important to people, and that the person probably has a bunch of stories that more than justify being prickly about it, so I try and get it right. But it is amazing how much more just, you know, being a basic, respectful, human being who wants someone to be comfortable and talk about shared interests goes.
And that’s always been a little sad to me. I can stumble through something that means a lot to that other person, something that they’ve probably lost a lot of sleep over, and yet extending just the basics of human courtesy goes so far, because it’s not something that garunteed.
I misgendered a trans person I worked with once when nobody else was around. I tracked him down later and apologized. He said if he spent all his time being mad about that, he’d always be mad… but I made sure to get it right after that.
Noo. You have to know the gender to commit the act of misgendering in the first place. You have to believe it is x and yet use y.
This. With normal people a simple correction is all is needed.
Transphobes will however misgender you repeatedly
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I thought we had a trans woman at work because some guy kept saying her name wrong. I thought he was being a bigot, turns out he just wasn’t saying it right.
What was the name?
Brosephanie.
Actually had to check my ID last week in order to remember my own birthday
Not too long ago, I was filling out a form and had to ask my wife my age. She had to think about it for a minute. We’re the same age.
Happened to me several days ago too. Somebody asked me my age and the only thing that I remembered was my birth year. So I said: “I’m born in 19**, can’t do the math.” We laughed it off after that
Every person’s birthday that im supposed to remember I usually am a day or two off. I consider that a win!
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It sounds like you’re doing the right thing by leaving people alone and not bothering them with your company! Good for the people around you!
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… said the person who couldn’t care less.
Yep, and that person tells you to go fuck yourself too! 😁
Calling you names, and honestly addressing you in this comment, is more than you are worth.
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I thought you couldn’t care less?
It’s looks like a person that tries their best to prepetuate their anger and hatred. Their comment history is more of the same. Sad to see really.
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Calm down ma’am. Don’t get your knickers in a twist now. It’s not a good look.
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You sure are acting hysterical. I think maybe you need to take a lie down and a few deep breaths miss.
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I’m not the one spitting my dummy out like a little girl. If any of us are crying about pronouns, it would appear to be you. You know… since you’re so upset about them existing. I’m merely pointing out how silly you look.
Spoken like a true douchebag.
With honor! Being labeled douche bag by nut jobs just means I’m doing very well!
Oh, no… an opinion of a stranger online!
(Did I do that right?)
Aces!
