Not being kind to people in the service industry.
They said seemingly unimpactful. If you don’t immediately see being a rude pos to strangers, ESPECIALLY those in customer service, as a red flag, then you’re a few nickels short of a dollar.
unimpactful
I take “unimpactful” here as being oblivious are aloof to others. You don’t have to be an asshole to treat someone poorly. That just requires not thinking of anyone but yourself, which is done by assholes, but can also be less severe and merely lacking compassion for someone because they’re here to do a job and not a person.
When somebody manages to actively be an asshole to random strangers they just met it’s actually kind of spectacular. Usually people can mask up at least a bit in public.
lack of curiosity
That’s a big one. Also lack of hobbies or passions.
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To be fair, I’d understand if someone don’t want to be close friends with someone with depression. In my worst days (depression and other stuff on top of it), I don’t want to be in the company of anyone either. It would be very taxing to someone wanting to be close friends with me, so yeah, I’d understand why they’d just opt out of it and stay away.
That’s fair, hurtful but fair. I’ve found that I tend to become frustrated or ashamed due to my lack of ability to help. Certainly completely blaming oneself isn’t ideal, and yet the personal investment gets me all sentimental :/
I’ll reach out and invite them and try to have talks in depth, there’s only so much one can do given the circumstances and I operate in the grey area of ‘not knowing where’ to justify the extent of my involvement. This isn’t well received by others, rightfully so, and though they’ll admit I mean well how amenable is someone to someone else who they’ve known only for a bit to their excessive interest in themselves? I try to focus on providing bits of information as that is closer to being evidence-based rather than rhetoric to persuade them but it doesn’t seem to work and I’m a bit clueless on how to continue. Working with orgs makes it much easier, I don’t like the depersonalized approach and would like to find some way to incorporate it.
Indeed. It’s really sad how it happens: someone’s depressed and is either too sad or irritated to be able to, or want to deal with anyone, which pushes people around them away—people who are in the best position to help them. Worse, while the depressed person can do something about it, the depression makes it hard to do anything about it! The path of least resistance is just to let people be repulsed. However, the path of least resistance leads downhill.
Divining the forces of depression (and in my case, the vagaries of bipolar disorder) is already taxing enough for myself, let alone for anyone around me who has no idea what’s going on in my mind. Hence, I understand why someone would give up on me. It’s not their fault, and I understand that. There’s only so much people around me can do, and if my condition lightens up, it’s on me to reach out, let people know that I’m better at the moment. And if I can, alert people whenever things are turning for the worse.
Having said all that, I’m not sure I understand what you meant by the latter part of your 2nd paragraph.
Reading over it I also kinda don’t know. I was rambling more or less.
I think I was trying to say I have issues connecting with people who have struggles of their own because they way I try to connect. When it’s done personally by myself it doesn’t work as well compared to doing the same through an organization. Like if you go to a food bank vs going to someone’s house you know for food. I could drop off the food at the food bank and the person who is struggling could take it and not feel as ashamed because it is depersonalized (no one single face to attribute). Whereas coming to my home to get the food directly would be perhaps more shameful or difficult since there is someone (i.e. myself) who can direct focused judgement upon them.
I hope this didn’t make it more confusing. I might cut my losses and try not to explain it more before I get even more confused.
I think I get it, the gist of it anyways. I understood it as faring better in a more formal, but still being a social setting, e.g.: a mountaineering club meeting once a week, and occasionally goes up on group hikes. It’s way easier to connect with someone in that situation, since there’s already some common ground to stand on. It is a lot easier compared to trying to connect with a neighbor you know next to nothing about, much less a common ground.
This is exactly what tanked a potential relationship for me a few years ago.
Being “vetted” by them…
Maybe you don’t like the wording, but everyone does this. Unless you know if someone will be a close friend the moment you lay eyes on them, or are friends with literally everyone you’ve spent time with.
Yes everyone does it naturally and mostly subconsciously over time as they get to know people. You’ve got to be a real psycho to be running through a checklist you’ve crowd sourced online. Wtf is this thread. Ugh reddit refugees lmao.
I personally doubt OP is going to actually use the answers like that.
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At least for me, there’s never really any conscious stage of vetting people. It’s just a long process of repeated interactions, and eventually some of them become friends and others don’t. There’s no grand registrar of friendship that I file people into for processing.
Then it’s unconscious. Hopefully the criteria are ones you’d agree with if they were conscious.
For real this seems like a major red flag.
- Belief in nonsense, such as astrology
- Celebrity worship
- Excessive social media usage, especially Twitter
you’re on lemmy
What about excessive lemmy usage?
That would be really weird. There’s not enough content for excessive Lemmy usage.
That they vetted me
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- Serious belief in pseudosciences
- Conspiracy theorist
- Right-wing ideology
- Sex prude
If they are cheap/stingy but when someone else is paying they get the more expensive things. If someone is consistently frugal in all situations I don’t mind.
Define “someone else”. Because there’s a big difference between expensing a fancy dinner on a work account, and doing so on your friend who said “I got you for tonight”
You’re right, if someone was expensing it on a work account it would make sense to maximize your order within budget. What I mean by someone else is any situation outside of that.
Someone who identifies very closely with hustle & grind culture. Someone who claims a personal brand. Someone who kisses up and kicks down.
Inability to follow instructions. Lack of problem solving skills. No common sense.
Honestly though, this big for me as well. I didn’t used to think I would care - not everybody has the same skills and all that - until I met someone failing all 3 categories. Unfortunately he’s also my coworker and I have to run clean up on basically everything he does. He has worked there 3 years now and still messes up on the same, most basic stuff I’ve walked him through countless times before. It’s exhausting when they make no progress and you’re being held personally responsible for their growth and improvement.
Doesn’t speak a language I know.
You’re only friends with people who can speak the same multiple languages or someone who speaks the only language you know?
“A” language, not “all” languages. The point being I can’t see how to become close friends without being able to talk to them.
Exactly which is why I asked for clarification. Your wording can be read as “I speak English and French but this guy speaks English and Spanish so I won’t get to know them because they don’t know a language that I do”
That would be silly 🙃
Refusing to participate in a civil discussion, but instead resorting to ad hominem (attacking the person not the argument) or refusing to consider the other sides argument. If they do this any minor dispute will escalate to a flame war.
You probably got machine-corrected, that’s ad hominem. But yes, not being able to handle an argument healthily is a big handicap in life
Thanks!
If they treat service workers poorly, that’s already a red flag for me. Even if the service is disappointing somehow, being an asshole to them is still a red flag to me.
Unimpactful trait? I’d say if they put the toilet paper the wrong way, if you have to ask which way is the right way we can’t be friends. Also if they don’t return the shopping cart, instant way for me to lose respect for you.
Both ways can be right, depending on if you have cats or not.
Nope, I have cats and it’s still only one way. I’m sorry but we can’t be friends with that attitude.
Both have cats and have fostered cats. This person is right; there’s still only one correct way.
Oddly enough your rigity on this is why we could not be friends.
I read somewhere that apparently lefties aren’t as susceptible to knowing which toilet paper direction is objectively correct.
So it’s basically like one of those mini-disabilities, like being horrible with directions, or not being able to remember peoples’ names. Go easy on the poor fellows, they can’t help it.
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How they treat people who disagree with them politically. If they immediately hate/cut off people for political disagreements, we’re not going to be friends any deeper than surface level.
What if they hate/cut off fascists though?
I know a lot of people who are close friends with BJP fans and I always thought that was fucking weird
What if they call anyone who disagrees with their ideology a fascist? Then they’re just a bully.
It depends on who you view as facist. If you think anyone conservative is facist, we’re not going to be close friends. I’m not a conservative, but I am rational, so I understand the idea that all conservatives are facist is an extreme view, and actually a pretty facist way of thinking in itself.
I’m not sure who BJP is, do you mean Jordan Peterson (JBP, I think are his initials)? If so, we don’t agree on what a facist is, and yeah, if you’re someone who views people through such an extreme lense, we’re just not a good friend match.
Oh, I’m not going to pretend I know anything about India’s politics. I can only speak from within the context of the US.
Depends on the disagreement… if the topic under discussion is as inflammatory as abortion or trans rights, I’m sure you can understand why some folks can’t agree to disagree.
Not agreeing to disagree isn’t the same as cutting someone off from your life, even for those issues. There are multiple issues within those issues that are extreme. For example, I’m pro-choice, but the cutoff for me is probably around the 24 week mark. Pushing for more than that, to me, is extreme, unless we’re talking outlier situations, which would go on a case-by-case basis.
Based on that, many people who are extreme in their belief would certainly cut me out of their life for not supporting late-term abortion.
This all-or-nothing approach is just irrational. It’s not a good match friendship-wise.
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