My wife was scooping ice cream and said “We’d better hurry up its getting soft!” I couldn’t resist.
“I was on my knees this entire weekend.”
Someone was describing how they’d been pulling out weeds out of their garden.
“I often sit at home and rub my carpet.”
I swear to the flying spaghetti monster, the Lowes flooring associate said this to me when I was booking installation services.
Me talking about my dad’s new truck: “This is the nicest, biggest backseat I’ve ever been in”
A group of us got into an elevator to go down a floor and the elevator went up instead. Someone said “I guess you have to go up before you can go down”.
My wife’s granddad was a carpenter and lost some fingers to the saw. He’s also a hunter and when I asked how he can shoot without fingers she said: “a stump is enough” and I just had to