I suffer from existential death anxiety, but I don’t feel like anxiety is the correct word to describe it. The feeling lasts for only seconds at a time, and sometimes doesn’t happen for weeks, but it’s almost enough to tell me that living is too much for me to bear. It’s fundamentally different from anxiety, it doesn’t feel like something that I have the capacity to feel. What value does evolution see in feeling something so utterly horrible that it leaves me desiring the thing that the fear comes from?

My will to live is incredibly strong. It is common for me to feel euphoric from how much I love life. It doesn’t feel like pure happiness, it’s euphoria. It’s glorious.

If a world war begins I will probably die. I am very ambitious and there is a lot I want to do, but it’ll tate decades. A premature death will leave me never having reached a conclusion.

There is no need to comment on the quantity at which my situation, or one of the many far worse ones is being played out. For a person who is not an excrement of time just one instance should be enough to realize an urgency.

I desire the state of being able to desire the state of being able to desire … the state of being able to desire non-existence. Not like non-existence can be achieved. It’ll forever have been that I lived and suffered. It is so painful. It is weird to look back at how the world looked when I was a child.