I feel like I have been deteriorating for months. I haven’t wanted to do anything and talk to anyone. Even playing video games feels like more work than I’m willing to do. I don’t want to leave bed and just want to sleep permanently.
I’m lucky that I work from home and have a slow enough job that I can regularly shirk responsibility without anyone noticing. I’m also lucky that I still live with my parents and have some people around. But I can’t keep living like this. Despite having a full time job, I’m living like a NEET.
I’m already seeing a therapist and getting medication from a shrink. That doesn’t seem to be making a difference. Between support from professionals and family members and professionals, I’m getting more than enough help for most people to get back on their feet. Yet for some reason it’s not enough for me.
I can only conclude at this point that the reason I’m continuing to get worse is that I refuse to take personal responsibility. I know “personal responsibility” isn’t enough in most cases where systemic issues keep people down, but I’m ridiculously privileged, as in “has never faced anything resembling real hardship” privileged. The system is set up for shits like me to do well and I still can’t pick myself up. It doesn’t help that I have less self discipline than a teenage twitter anarchist who wants to abolish bedtime.
How do I get myself to stop being so lazy and do something? I’m tired of being little more than a parasitic slug.
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I can relate, and it’s something I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
Ultimately, there is no “right” way to live. That is up to you. Don’t be so hard on yourself, you’re not a parasitic slug. You’re a human being with real experiences, emotions, memories, etc., and there is no shame in struggling. You may be more privileged than others, but that does not discount your suffering. We all have a top problem, and when judged from the outside, yes, struggling through say a famine is likely worse than what you or I are going through, but objective analysis does no good here. It does not fix either issue, it only makes you feel worse about yours.
I am still struggling with similar issues myself. Spinning my wheels and getting nowhere, it seems. Here’s what I think.
Many people are searching for pleasure and whatever dopamine hits they can score in this hellhole of a society in absence of having a true purpose. A recent video essay I watched hit the nail on the head; those with meaning, who feel they’ve found their true purpose in something, are able to persevere through incredibly difficult times and often produce great outcomes afterwards. Perhaps you need to find a meaning.
This is not an easy thing to do, I don’t want to make it sound like you should just pick up some hobby and run with it. But if you can find something that really ignites a flame deep inside of you, something that keeps you going, you’re much more likely to find happiness and fulfillment than by simply chasing pleasure. For me, that flame ignites among the masses. Change made by the people and anything with revolutionary sentiment (with the people in mind of course) stirs something up inside of me that can’t be described in words. It is liberating. This is what keeps me going, the potential of a better world for us all.
This is just my understanding of that philosophy and my two cents. I could be totally wrong. I wish I could provide more than just kind words of advice.
Keep going, my friend. You’ll make it through the night. And then the next. And then the next. You are stronger than you feel.