I’m very sorry for rambling and writing terribly. It’s very late where I am and I feel exhausted after spending all day fighting myself again. I’ve been putting off sending a post like this for a while, but I just feel like I’m at the end of my rope. Hopefully I make at least a little sense. I just started typing and wrote from my heart without looking back. Thank you for reading.
I’m just very confused and its destroying my mental health. Thinking of the future in general is soul sucking. I don’t have dreams of traveling anymore, or going out with friends, or having a family or a high paying job. All I have is stress and fear from the very idea of working 40+ hour weeks at a dead end capitalist job with no vacations, no benefits, no sick days, playing a capitalist rat race, not having enough money to save up and support myself, and not having enough time or money to do anything interesting or worthwhile. I feel like I’m trapped in a cruel hell.
I’m currently in the college hell of trying to determine what to major in, and more importantly pursue in the future as a career or field. I’m quite lost and extremely anxious going through this. I feel that most of my interests are laughable and/or translate to poorly paying jobs, or are social “negatives” that can only be rarely applied in a very niche collection of spaces in a capitalist system (i.e. Marxism). For example I was very interested in political sciences, but jobs are one in a million if I weren’t to pursue academia or law which I’m not particularly interested in. Even then what little jobs there are are pretty much all for neoliberal, conservative, and imperialist; corporations, thinktanks, and government institutions. Along with that, all my dreams of the future feel empty and impossible now, as I have a hard time finding any strength to fight back against the system alone. It’s hard to see the purpose is trying. I feel like I made a big mistake walking out Plato’s cave and seeing the world for what it is. I wish I could go back to the blissful ignorance.
I can’t even decide what I like anymore, I don’t enjoy anything useful like Comp Sci or Medicine, and I don’t feel a particular strong passion or interest for any field, even ones that don’t pay well or are rare. For example I have a friend in art school, which while an unconventional and poorly respected path in the capitalist hellscape, they find great passion and interest in what they do and love every moment of it. Letting them pay little attention to the future.
Meanwhile I feel trapped thinking about the failure I will amount to as I am stuck paralyzed. All I can think about is the hellscape of the system I’m trapped in with no way to claw out of. Like a bad dream that you can’t wake up from.
I’m very privileged to have been able to see a a very distinguished and well respected therapist and psychologist for what’s been going on in my life, but even they’re clueless. All they can give are sad platitudes, and depressing agreement to what I say. They are a wonderful person and try their best, but it seems like there’s little someone can do to help a problem like this.
I feel trapped and cursed.
What are you studying exactly? Haven’t you considered being a teacher? I don’t know how bad wages are for that in the US but maybe you could also give classes in some Mexican city? I assume Usonian universities must be fetishisized so maybe you have a higher chance of getting a job there.
Also, you don’t ever try to look into the future. My rule is think about 6 months ahead maximum, more than that is dangerous, capitalism doesn’t provide you that unless you are bourgeois. You’ll go crazy, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that future is grim, it’s just unknown.
Currently I am just taking general classes needed to cover any degree, so I haven’t committed to any particular field as of yet. I’ve tried to use this time to branch out and try a variety of classes ranging from heavy maths, to biology, to even a drawing class, but nothing stands out to me.
I have thought about teaching but sadly am not very interested in academia or education, coupled with the fact that in the United States, teachers make a minuscule pathetic salary to the degree where many have to work 2-3 jobs to survive. Not to mention the requirements are high so debt would be required to receive almost nothing in return. For university level teaching the discipline is cutthroat and nearly impossible to receive a job in without a PhD and connections.
I am also quite bit a ways from Mexico haha, nearly 3000km from the border from where I am, along with the fact that I do not speak Spanish, I’m not sure about that idea.
I do want to thank you for your words about the future though, I’ve been trying my best to limit my thinking to the next 30 days. It’s just so difficult to see the world falling apart from a Marxist perspective, and not feel absolutely hopeless about what’s to come. Almost like a solider in boot camp training for a war that they know their country is losing. I’ve been trying my best to shake that perspective, but it feels like everything is permeated by the stench of money and fearing that I will not have enough of it (Not to be rich, but enough to simply survive). Coupled with the fear of personal failure. Again, thank you for your words.