Ever since I’ve became a Marxist, I’ve been seeing the dark sides of liberalism, capitalism, etc. Now, all my passions and the capitalist/liberal desires that fueled them have died. I wanted to be a musician and become rich and famous, now that’s an unrealistic kid story. I wanted to become a writer and spread my works to millions, not anymore. I wanted to do game development, but that’s gone now. I wanted to become a legislator as a kid and spread good for society, proposing laws that would help the younger generation, but the US government is so fucking corrupt. I wanted to become an MMA fighter, but the industry in that is rigged. I wanted to become a business owner, and even learned the dark things needed to do to become “successful.” But the thought of fucking over vulnerable people for personal gain makes me sick to my stomach.
I’ve recently found a major I could study in college for - Electrical engineering. But really I don’t feel the slightest interested in that either. I had a quick blip of interest and then it died.
Every industry is so rigged, and people like me won’t survive in it. I’m not a fake it till you make it type person. I’m never favored by anyone, not popular in any type of circle. I’m cold and concrete, I can’t put on masks. And even the thought of manipulating people is tiring as hell. I’d rather be real and truthful, least bit of effort.
I have no money to travel to other countries where music might make me successful, and my passions for everything have died. I hate the word “hard work.” I like work that’s worthwhile and enjoyable, something I would spend hours on. But that doesn’t exist in the US. I seriously feel like a wandering soul. The only thing that’s keeping me alive is the desire to travel the world. If I didn’t have that motive, I probably would have offed myself a long time ago. I feel like my life is nothing, and I am nothing.
I honestly don’t know anymore. I might become a thief, stalking rich people’s social medias then stealing from them. Or becoming a mercenary. Kid’s fantasy, I know. I might have to face the disgusting truth and join the military to get the rest of my basic fucking human rights. Housing, money, college, I don’t know.
I feel like I’m going no where.
I’m sorry to hear about your troubles comrade. I went through something similar. What helped me was divorcing the notion of worldly success from my passions. In today’s world, success is largely due to factors outside our control. So now I pursue my passions for their own sake rather than for the sake of worldly success. I find I enjoy them a lot more now and feel a lot less stress and pressure to perform. Ironically, that makes me feel better and dive deeper into them in a way that satisfies nobody but myself.
I train in martial arts, and although it would be great to run my own school one day, I don’t strive with that goal in mind. I simply want to be the best student I can be. I can only become a great teacher by being a great student, but I’d rather be a great student than a subpar teacher who cares more about running a successful business than being a great martial artist.
I hope that helps. I’ve learned to take joy in the small and simple things, as cliche as that sounds, it helps me deal with the lack of material success I think I deserve. I’ve learned to be happy with what I have because I’m living an honest, moral life and I’d rather have that screwing over vulnerable people for my own benefit.
It just kind of suck. I feel like all the passions I’ve had were for nothing. I still enjoy a few of them, however. I’ll try to follow your advice, appreciating the small things. One thing I know is that it helps us appreciate more of what we have.