It absolutely doesn’t have to be forever. Don’t forget that you got to where you are for reasons. You make sense, and your choices make sense, even when there were more productive choices you could have made. I can definitely recall (like literally all last year and the year before) a time when I felt unhinged and said some of the most embarrassing and destructive things of my life to people I love. I am now out of that, and I do have regrets, but I know why it happened. I know that I’m not to blame for every factor that led me there.

In terms of that shame, just know that that’s a completely normal response to addiction, and it’s not something you need to feel forever either. Judging others based on who they were while consistently using is deeply unfair. It is nearly impossible to not engage in out-of-character selfishness in some circumstances, and being in a period of drug abuse is one of those. And I’d love it for you if you could ease up on yourself. You’re not the things you’ve said, nor are you what you’ve done in the past. We are all always becoming, not static. You are not what you’ve done, but instead are becoming what you do, and what you are doing now by recognizing all this is very very good. Most people would not be strong enough.

You’ve got this, comrade. We all believe in you.

Edit: Whoever downvoted OP and almost everyone else in here seems to have done so immediately around when a lot of the recent threads seemed to randomly get one downvote per comment. So, almost certainly not directed at you, OP.