Imagine life in a post-South Park world. No more wars, no more famines, no more poverty, no more sickness. I can already see the homeless breaking out into song as the one barrier between them and the millions of uninhabited houses around the world is finally lifted. Physicians could retire happily knowing that their services are no longer needed. The occupiers of Palestine would have no choice but to surrender their ill-gotten gains to the Palestinians, confident that the natives shall take better care of them than the settlers ever did. Even wolves and sheep would put aside their differences before making sweet, sweet love with each other. In short, everything would be bright and sparkly with rainbows and flowers and stuff everywhere. Paradise was only a word until now. Ahhhh…

Let’s get this show on the road. Easier to run over it that way.

Cancelled: If only.

Krazy Kripples: Jimmy tells several boring jokes that get no reaction whatsoever. I thought, ‘There must be only two or three people in the audience. That’s why they aren’t showing them to us.’ Well, I was wrong: there was one person in the audience. Good job, South Park, you got me on that one.

Later, Christopher Reeve disowns his name. I predicted that he was switching to the abbreviation ‘Chris’. Sure enough…

The main plot here is that Christopher Reeve is vampirically exploiting fetus not only so that he can lose his disabilities, but also gain superpowers, only here he is becoming a supervillain. It’s obnoxious how the writers keep pointing out the obvious, like having a character repeatedly mentioning the irony, or showing that Reeve built a Legion of Doom, which is the part where I wanted to pause to talk about the script. It’s fucking lazy. I’m unsure what the point is here either. Stem cell research is wrong, I guess…?

The subplot is about Jimmy and Timmy joining a gang based on a misunderstanding and, by anticlimax, they managed to get their gang and a rival gang make peace, apparently because neither has a good reason to fight. As far as I can tell, economic competition on the black market is the underlying cause of gang warfare, not petty distinctions, as the writers seemed to have assumed. Another worthless episode.

Toilet Paper: A parody of the Hannibal Lecter films. I laughed when somebody said ‘Officer, why would I TP my own house?’, and Butters made me smile as he was chastising hisself in jail, but otherwise I was bored watching this. I have to say, it really would not have been that hard to adjust this script to make it fit into a kid’s show.

I’m a Little Bit Country: Two minutes in and I can already tell this is going to be another ‘both sides are wrong’ episode.

Well, not quite. The scriptwriters apparently don’t have an opinion one way or the other about the reinvasion of Iraq itself. They only want to talk about how funny it is that a nation-state can wage war while still having people protesting it, almost like the nation-state itself doesn’t want war. You know, saying one thing and doing the other, which is what Imperial America is all about. This is hardly news to socialists, of course. Not impressed.

Fat Butt and Pancake Head: Let me guess… another rock band episode. Oh wait, no, it’s about Cartman racistly impersonating a singer. So I was kinda close.

‘You’re a mean-spirited [insert slur here] who spits on people who aren’t rich and famous.’ Not a good idea to throw stones in glass houses, writers!

I don’t have much else to say about this one since it’s another ‘this celebrity sucks’ episode. If you don’t care about either Jennifer Lopez or Ben Affleck, chances are, it’s because you have better things to worry about.

Lil’ Crime Stoppers: I am starting to feel like a broken record now, but it still baffles me how plots like this one are normal for an ‘adult’ cartoon. The inappropriate material might seem insurmountable, but writers creatively sneak that into children’s cartoons all the time. They just have to be subtle or creative about it (which South Park definitely isn’t).

After they tell the police department about a crime that they solved, the commissioner promotes them to real detectives… for some reason. They survive their first case through nothing but sheer luck (similar to how Jimmy and Timmy became gang members in Krazy Kripples), and… they survive their last case through luck, too.

Basically, this episode is just a waste of time. I can see how the boys pretending to be law enforcement and becoming actual law enforcement is kind of cute, but I was mostly unmoved. As is usual with South Park scripts, the ways that the writers incorporated adult content is both shallow and unneeded, almost as if they included it just to bump up the rating.

Red Man’s Greed: Okay, I think that this story’s purpose is to induce introspection by putting the shoe on the other foot; a ‘how would you feel’ tale that reverses the rôles of the Native Americans and the European settlers. A less optimistic suggestion is that the writers simply want Native American business owners to feel guilty for their profiteering, or are suggesting that any Americans who want European settlers off their land are (or would be) hypocritical.

I am unsure what to say about this one. I’ve seen worse, but the casual racism was cringeworthy, I never laughed watching this, and I doubt that the writers had good intentions.

South Park is Gay: I know that the basis here is ‘haha, (campy) gay men are silly’, but I honestly can’t say that I ‘hate’ this premise; at least the writers are trying something new with the characters… oh, excuse me, they aren’t gay, just ‘metrosexual’: one of the most baffling words in the English language.

One issue with this story is that it promotes the stereotype that gay men are hypersexual, as it shows Mr. Garrison propositioning strangers at a bar. Now, hypersexuality may seem more like a mere annoyance than a serious problem, but it can easily overwhelm and control a person’s life. Likewise, propositioning strangers is usually a wildly inappropriate thing to do, even from a purely secular standpoint.

I can see how it would feel weird or confusing seeing numerous cishet blokes become campy—it feels kind of like they’re infringing on your territory, but I’d be surprised if this remains common. Now that gender norms are loosening and ‘metrosexuality’ isn’t much of a fad anymore, this episode feels outdated and irrelevant.

Christian Rock Hard: I can’t believe that it took me this long to notice, but a lot of Christian music just feels like serenades to their idol rather than anything else associated with Christianity, like the history, the parables, rescue, or self-sacrifice in every meaning of that word. There is a great deal of untapped potential here. The writers seem aware of this, but they don’t really invite Christians to diversify their lyric themes either.

The main message seems to be telling artists to pursue their passions because they enjoy them and not because they make money, which is typical naïveté. While this story does end with a ‘twist’, it’s just unpleasant and unrewarding to watch. It might have been passable if Cartman learned something from it, but he clearly didn’t. All in all, another useless episode. Maybe I smiled once or twice, but that’s it.

Grey Dawn: I hope that you like ‘haha, old people are stoopid’ jokes, because boy, they really went overboard with them here. Admittedly, I did smile a few times when they parodied horror films, but those jokes could have worked just as easily if they replaced the seniors with somebody else.

I almost want to like this episode because it involves a militia of seniors taking over a town, but it was so underambitious that I was bored. The writers seem to be suggesting that seniors should have their driver’s licences automatically revoked, which strikes me as excessive. (My grandfather had surprisingly few traffic accidents despite being an Alzheimer, but he did get lost easily.) Obliging them to retake driver’s education would be more logical. Better yet, we should prioritize public transportation and reduce our number of motorcars, as we have ’way too many.

I think that the point here is ‘don’t be condescending to elderly folk’, but the way that the showrunners stereotype them doesn’t help with their messaging at all. Overall, kind of a boring episode.

Casa Bonita: ‘That’s not being nice! That’s just putting on a nice sweater!’ ‘I don’t understand the difference.’ ‘I know you don’t.’ I laughed.

Aside from that and maybe a smile or two, this episode is very boring. The biggest problem is just how tedious this script is. Cartman’s interactions with Butters are all too long, as are the rest of his manipulative antics, and I was unamused with his brief enjoyment of Casa Bonita. If you love Cartman’s tendency to be a dick for no (good) reason, then this is a great episode for you. Otherwise, don’t bother.

All About Mormons: One of the more famous episodes, partly because it popularised the bizarre tale that Joseph Smith ‘translated’ scripture by looking at special stones in a hat, something that was unknown to ordinary Mormons. In fact, much of the humour is basically just ‘haha, Mormonism is dumb’. Seeing as how plenty of other adults already have weird beliefs and cultural practices, I am unimpressed with this humor.

Here is something that one reviewer wrote:

The episode spends most of its time, much like the Scientology episode, going through how the Book of Mormon came to be an[d] noting all the stupid shit it claims and how obviously false it is. Which makes sense, because it terms of “religions whose basis is obviously fake” Mormonism is high enough up that most Americans recognize it. Or most Americans recognize it because they are racist narrow minded Protestant motherfuckers, but that’s a different story.

Back to the point, the episode’s only other track was how eerily perfect the Mormon family was, what with their concentration on family nights, non-consumption of alcohol, and general raising of a football sized family of Pleasantville kids. It seemed ready to end on a message that, “no matter how good your intentions seem you can’t base them on erroneous beliefs (a decent message people need to realize)” until…it ended on the exact opposite. The exact, “it doesn’t matter that my head is full of lies because I make the world a better place” kind of opposite.

This is the kind of mentality that has enabled a lot of decent people (insert generic but true reference to Nazism here) to do entirely terrible things because it ultimately means not trying to apply logic and reason to your beliefs. It’s a free pass to live ignorant of your own core ideals by only looking at the results.

Well, I would argue that the oblique comparison to German Fascism is excessive (despite the early Mormons’ white supremacy), but I understand the reviewer’s point here. Everybody should re-examine and scrutinize their own beliefs from time to time, but we should do this mainly because it is necessary for functioning, even when the results tend to be good anyway. If I believed that all objects fall, yet one day I tried to drop an inflated balloon, then… you know. More seriously, if I were raised all my life believing that Joseph Smith was a great man, yet one day I arrived at the conclusion that he was the opposite, it would be a very emotionally overwhelming experience for me; I would be unable to handle that situation since I was totally unprepared for it. Mormons could hypothetically have mixed feelings about Joseph Smith, but I know of no examples.

So while I understand the reviewer’s point, it would have been more relevant if the episode showed the otherwise perfect Mormon family actually doing something harmful, like, say, committing blatant child abuse or insisting that homosexuality is unacceptable, which would explain why the writers avoided the message that good intentions should not be based on erroneous beliefs.

In any event, as interesting as it was for me to ponder the difficulties of these problems, I think that this episode is lousy. Mocking Mormon beliefs yet waving them off as harmless only makes the writers look passive-aggressive. If they approached Mormonism with more compassion, then maybe this would have been passable. As it stands, it’s a condescending and mostly boring story made worse by its clunky messaging.

Butt Out: Has it ever occurred to anybody that maybe fewer people would smoke if you gave them better reasons to live? Smokers already know that smoking is unhealthy. I think that one of the reasons that they indulge is that they don’t care about living longer.

This is a very boring episode. It constantly attacks anti-smokers for being hypocritical (like having a food addiction), which is as repetitive as it is unfunny, and it portrays tobacco as good because it ‘made America’ and brought slaves here. Yes, they actually say that it was good that tobacco brought black slaves here. I could not make this crap up if I tried. The script also leaves plenty of other issues unaddressed, like how maybe smoking only feels relaxing because addiction provokes tension, and there were plenty of studies indicating that second-hand smoking is unhealthy.

I actually don’t feel that smokers need to be judged (unless, maybe, they’re pregnant). It would be better to show them compassion and try not to be angry when they are smoking around us, otherwise they might indulge more in their addiction as a coping mechanism. That said, they deserve a better defense than this episode. It’s just embarrassing.

One last thing:

You just hate smoking, so you use all your money and power to force others to think like you. And that’s called fascism, you tubby asshole!

Kyle once again demonstrating his cluelessness regarding fascism since not only was it more complicated than using ‘all your money and power to force others to think like you’ (however that works), but the Third Reich was actually surprisingly tolerant of smoking even though some officials discouraged the practice.

Raisins: Ugh, it’s a breakup story. Oh, and this one has my favourite example of South Park’s lazy writing: when Stan tries to fix his relationship with Wendy, he gets Jimmy—of all characters—to talk to her, almost telling her that ‘she’s a continuing source of inspiration to’ Stan, only Jimmy gets stuck on the first syllable of ‘continuing’, angering her and ending whatever good relations were left between Stan and Wendy.

It’s so convenient not only that Stan picked the most ineloquent student at school to talk to Wendy, but they both forgot about Jimmy’s obvious speech impediment, and Stan picked a word with a syllable that sounds like a slur. It is such a lazy, forced way to separate two characters that I could never forget about it the first time that I saw it.

The boys then visit a restaurant, which, for some fucked up reason, employs blatant child labor. Seductive girls, no less. Here is a real life tip for readers: do not go to service workers with the intent of finding a girlfriend. I can speak from experience that it is not worth the risk. Trust me. Do not make the same mistake that I made. I am begging you.

Also, trying to unbreak a relationship: usually a waste of time. If you apologize for your misbehavior after one unpleasant experience, that’s one thing. If somebody ghosted you, only a miracle is going to help you at that point. I hate to say it, but the best option is to just let it go. As painful as it feels, attempting to ‘fix’ the situation normally only makes things worse.

This is a very depressing episode, but it does make me somewhat thankful that I am in a phase in my life now where I am no longer obnoxiously angsty or extremely naïve about how people function. The angstiness can be cringeworthy to watch, but at least it makes sense in this context, unlike breakup stories where the main characters are adults. (I’m looking at you, Chasing Amy.) So if somebody forced me to recommend one episode from this season, then I’d go with this one, which ain’t saying much.

It’s Christmas in Canada: This episode was actually better than I expected, since this is the first Xmas special that is not about bowel movements. I can see how it would be mildly entertaining to get another tour of South Park’s Canada, and if you really care about Kyle or his brother, this is a fine story. That being said, the songs were boring, I don’t really care about the drama, and I only smiled once or twice. I’ll give this a point for being the least cringeworthy Xmas special at the time, but it is still lousy.

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Well, this is an interesting season to rate. On one hand, I would say that this is overall the most sufferable one that I have seen so far: at least this one has less bowel humor. On the other hand… it’s just not fun to watch. These seasons usually had one episode that was funny or at least interesting. Here? There’s nothing. Not a single good episode. Even the least uninteresting episode (Raisins) is boring. The earlier seasons certainly had their highs and lows, but here we have nothing but mediocre crap. That’s a first!

I have been reviewing so many of these abominations that I begin to think that this cannot be other than destiny. I imagine that some day, on a warm evening in an empty colosseum, I’ll have to face Trey Parker in a final battle. With a fury reserved only for the torments of the damned, he beats me nearly to death with a copy of Team America: World Police, cackling in glee as I lie on the ground broken and bleeding. I desperately grope around the immediate area for a weapon, even a blunt object, but to no avail. I blink slowly as I can feel my life leaving me. Then, by the grace of the Almighty, when all seems lost, a razor-sharp copy of Close Enough on DVD materializes in the palm of my hand. In one fell swoop, I muster up the last of my might to launch the disc into the air, decapitating Trey Parker and causing him to repeatedly clench his hands like Pamela Voorhees in Friday the 13th before he collapses. Finally, I did it: I vanquished my archnemesis. The universe is saved. Order has been restored to the cosmos. The people of Earth celebrate my glorious triumph. They sleep soundly at night knowing that never again shall the world of comedy pass under Trey Parker’s yoke. I go home and rest after what felt like all of the world’s weight has finally lifted itself from my shoulders. I am free. A new era of peace and prosperity is approaching…


…or is it?

THE END?