At 5:05 P.M. Tuesday April 18th, the CCP fired an atomic missile, codenamed “Humanity’s Vanguard”, at an incoming asteroid beyond scientifically understood proportions that was projected to wipe out 80% of life on Earth. The asteroid shattered and harmless fragments of it landed peacefully in our oceans.

However, Beijing’s move has its fair share of critics. We asked local China expert and megagenius Elon Musk his thoughts on the ordeal, and the science behind it.

“So, Mr. Musk. What are your thoughts on this whole China thing?”

“If I’ve learned anything from being, you know, a hilarious business mogul and brilliant handsome scientist and good father, it’s that alternative motives exist for everything. China did not do this out of the good of their hearts, they did it because they’re a smart business minded people, like myself.”

“It must hurt to be so utterly correct and handsome all the time, Mr. Musk. Thank you for your valuable insight.”

So, the totalitarian dictatorship of Communist China did not save humanity out of the goodness of its bleeding pinko heart. So what gives?

In Xinjiang, the East Turkestan Islamic Movement is an organization peacefully fighting for national sovereignty from China.

The chief navigator of the team that destroyed the asteroid is… Uyghur.

We believe our readers are smart enough to put two and two together. (China is using Uyghur astronaut slaves).

Work at SpaceX on a more powerful asteroid-destroying missile in preparation for a potential similar world-threatening event has been consistent insofar as every prototype launched has burned up immediately upon reaching the stratosphere and exploded, injuring hundreds each time. SpaceX stock continues to rise as these brave heroes speculate us into the future.