I’ve never actually read Settlers aside from a page or chapter or two but I’ve seen people sum up its major points on reddit comments. Ironically, the day before the event I’m about describe happened, I watched BadEmpanada’s video making fun of Gonzalo and talking about the atrocities of the Shining Path.
Yesterday I had a mental breakdown in a public space and started yelling and threatening to get violent to someone to the point where security had to escort me out of the building I was in. I then proceeded to run in front of the street in hopes a car would kill me.
While there were other factors, like having to wait in line for hours with no guarantee that it would even be worth it, and perhaps not having enough hours of sleep, the main reason why I snapped was because I, for some reason, was so upset at the idea of people in the first world being complicit in the exploitation of people in imperialized nations with their usage of luxury products gained from exploitation and the idea that the biggest problem in a first worlder’s life is the fact that a video game or movie sucked, or that someone cheated in a speedrun. I kept thinking about all these (often long or very long) Youtube videos you see where someone talks about speedrunning crap or makes a 12 hour video dissecting why a TV show is bad. It bothered me that people in my home country care so much about those insignificant things instead of imperialism.
In addition, a person who I am very close to and care about deeply had sent me a pro-Taiwan video on Discord, which led to me spamming the message “Fuck off”. My brain had malfunctioned the point that I fantasized about killing myself to stop these dysphoric feelings, even taking it another step further by thinking about taking others with me via ultraleft terrorism. Thankfully this is 100% materially impossible for me to do and is not even remotely a realistic concern. I feel embarrassed that I even experienced this brainrot since I literally hate Maoists and make fun of them all the time online. The thought I even had feelings like this is extremely out of character and I can’t even think of any logical reason why it even happened. Can someone tell me how I can avoid ever hating the local proletariat ever again?
TL;DR: I hate speedrunning and video essays.
Sorry to hear that you had a breakdown. Other things were going on in my life at the same time but I also got very cranky when I first learned about Marxism. It naturally causes a lot of cognitive dissonance and can make you feel separated from everyone around you. This does wear off, the more you learn.
Most of the bit that will not wear off is the bit you get from engaging with negative environments, such as Reddit and Twitter. There are some gems on both platforms, but not many. Reddit (as with Twitter) has too many feds and bad faith liberals (of all stripes) poisoning the well.
Sounds like you need a break and to take some time to rest. Avoid Reddit and read wholesome books, instead. If you want to read more about Marxism, read Marxists. They’re a lot more hopeful and positive than the online (Western) left. If you have questions, etc, ask on Lemmygrad, instead, as you’re likely to get a more constructive response. But ask questions that do not begin with a ‘truth’ that is contentious, as people will argue with you.
If you want to know what any theorist says, read their own work directly. You shouldn’t dismiss theorists without first reading their work for yourself.
Be cautious with summaries, especially on Reddit. Most of the time when people summarise anyone, they’re being selective and must emphasize some points over others. This can distort the original message.
With any radical thought, the risk is high that any commentary is intended to distort the message. If that writer is a fed or other brand of anti-communist, they want you to be confused and angry, and to snap. As Sakai himself argues in his little book on security, the way to spot feds is to look out for ‘bad politics’. The best way to achieve this is to know good politics, and you get this from reading as much of the good stuff as you can.
This approach will also help you to avoid petty arguments, which is good because these are pointless and will not be good for your mental health. I wouldn’t really bother arguing with self proclaimed online ‘Maoists’, for example. And I’d caution against watching ‘dunking’ videos, unless it’s an audiobook version of Marx, Engels, or, Lenin. Almost all the fringe branches of Marxism are irrelevant, so I more or less ignore then.
I’m not going to get into too many of the details, here, because I don’t think it would be helpful for your mental health for me to even appear to be arguing with you. But as you asked how to stop hating, I can say something more about Sakai.
Sakai is worth reading. Sakai himself does not say to hate the local proletariat. It’s far more subtle than that. Indeed, he’s spent his life organising with people in North America (so far as I can tell). He wouldn’t do that if he thought there was zero revolutionary potential in North America. Settlors persuasively argues that the US did not begin with a white proletariat. Whether there is a white (or any) proletariat in the US today is another question.
If you search Lemmygrad for ‘Labour Aristocracy’, you’ll see that there has been some debate as to whether there is a ‘proletariat’ anywhere in the global north. If not, that does not mean that people in the global north should not organise or cannot be revolutionary; it means that different tactics and strategies are needed.