Maybe it started out because when I was little I was a bit above average, always being used to spot #1 really eroded my sense of modesty.

Now my grades are really down and with that I’m giving myself yet another cigarette to deaden my mind, I’m starting to antagonize even the bois in class that cheered me up - just because their grades are nigh impeccable while seemingly only I suffer from ‘blunders’, somethimes I become exceptionally petty and secretly wish they too would do a fuck-up once.

For a place in uni later on I don’t actually have to stress myself too much, but seeing my grades less than that of younger classmates gives me anything but peace at mind. And the night before I prepared myself up until 2 a.m…

I always appear to have less friends, my hobbies are obscure, things I can say to hold a conversation is getting… fewer by the day, I don’t know any memes anymore, my interests are too esoteric, I have nothing much going on. The only thing I could only boast about these days, my limited language capabilities, is now also aggrevating my inferiority complex - I met a foreigner that is so keen on my language he is starting to ask me questions I can’t even answer because I had not even known about such grammar/words. He’s 13. I’m legally a man now.

So what do I have bois, save a muddled mess of half-cockedness, inextricable tangles of social life and everpresent thoughtlessness in every aspect

I’m aware of my case. The mates I have, my family, they all console me, told me not to give a damn, I know it only worsens my case but the sentiment kicks in almost instinctlively, I don’t want to wish harm upon anymone, I don’t want to further terrorize my already sickly mental health. It feels so hard to accept that one can’t win against someone at times, at least for me

Tears are gushing out of my eyes at the moment I write this sentence, can I even help my miserable self at this point

Sorry if I’m on the wrong forum again mates, I just don’t want to burden known associates about this

  • Arsen6331 ☭
    8·
    2 years ago

    One thing that many people fail to understand is that there is no such thing as perfection. People who appear to be perfect are simply hiding their failures because they want to seem perfect. These types of people will announce it to everyone when they get an amazing grade or do something really well, but if they mess up, they won’t say a word about it and will just pretend it never happened and avoid the subject.

    This makes a lot of people upset, because they think that they’re the only ones who have problems, but I assure you, most people feel the same way. That’s why they hide their failures, because they think everyone else is perfect and will judge them for it. What they don’t realize is that by doing so, they are perpetuating the very thing they’re so upset about.

    I have always had issues in school due to my Autism and ADHD not being well-suited for a school environment, and for much of my life, I felt the same as you. Recently, I had a major breakdown caused by school. It was very bad, I was depressed and in a really bad state. This breakdown has since caused me to leave school entirely. At the time, I felt like everyone else was perfect while I constantly failed at everything despite wanting to succeed. If there is anything good that came of that breakdown, it is the realization that I am not the only one who feels that way. Everyone who I expressed my issues to said they feel the same way.

    What I’m trying to say is: don’t feel so bad about your grades. No one has perfect grades, and even if they did, grades are not more important than your life. You should ask the question “why do I care so much?” When I asked myself that, I realized that I cared because I was told to care. I was told that if my grades weren’t good, I would be a failure who would be homeless for the rest of my life. While I knew that wasn’t necessarily true, it was ingrained into my mind, and so having bad grades caused me to get upset because subconsciously, I thought it would essentially ruin my entire life. Fortunately, that is not necessarily the case. There are many jobs that do not require high grades or university degrees. These jobs are no worse than any other, and there is no shame in doing them, unlike the capitalists who own the educational institutions would like you to believe