[CW: Transphobia]
As a non-binary person, I now have to operate under the assumption that any trans person I meet has a good chance of hating my guts simply because of my gender identity (ironic). I really fucking hate that I cannot undo this mindset because of how common transmedicalism and enbyphobia in the trans community has become.
I can’t even see a post on social media that says something like “Trans Rights!!!” and not feel uncomfortable because my initial reaction has become “Does that include me, though? Do you support my rights?”. I will always identify as trans, but I’m heavily frightened by the possibility that transphobic attacks I experience are not just gonna be from mostly cis people.
Now, at every fucking turn, I have to ponder if I belong in any trans spaces or not. After going through harsh amounts of abusive transphobia from cis people, having trans people go out of their way to exclude me has done more to make me feel alone than anything else, and it’s absolutely not what I need right now.
I think this is what I’m worried about besides now being 30 and debating doing hrt and potentially losing out on gains that I’ve yet to put consistent effort into getting… (Lazy[probably more like depressed]) And not passing, not in a traditional sense, not super concerned with looking like a woman, but more or less want to be somewhere in the middle and pretty / handsome and have people have a (?) pop up over their head when trying to decipher my gender. It all makes me wonder if I’m still cis albeit confused, a Russian nesting egg, or very closeted trans. I get that it’s a spectrum I guess I’m just not certain where I fit on it. And I’m broke so I can’t afford any ‘professional’ guidance and I am not a very social person so I wouldn’t know any trans inclusive people IRL who could give me guidance much less a trans person.
The catch 22 of transmedicalism: they hate non-binary people because they’re under the assumption that they’re inherently non-dysphoric or inherently do not medically transition, but they also hate it when non-binary people do have dysphoria and do medically transition.
I literally know this because I’ve had transmeds tell me that I should be legally barred and restricted from continuing my medical transition just because I’m non-binary, which is really fucking sad and pathetic for a trans person to say, even more than your typical conservative Christian Republican saying it.
No matter how you look at it, truscum hold the horrendous “eNbies Make us Look LiKE A joke!!!” take, even though conservative cishet transphobes don’t give a fuck and already deem them a joke. The lack of awareness in how evil, harmful, hypocritical, and just outright fucking stupid they are is super fucking disappointing.
Ok. So what I’m hearing is I’m just super in my head about feeling like a trans minstrel act because I’m trying to fit a cis normative conception of transness that’s been adopted by most trans people because that’s all they’ve been given and or what ground was conceded to them. Imo obviously. I’m not well read besides memes and random articles so if someone wants to correct me please do. Basically John Snow here.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to blend in with cis people and be stealth and just live out your life as a typical cis man/cis woman would. The problem that comes with that is people forcing and pushing assimilationist rhetoric on trans people who don’t want to do that, going as far to support legally gatekeeping them because of the logic “If they don’t want to fit the typical gender-conforming, assimilationist, binary trans narrative that cishet people shit out, then they should be forced to live out their life as cis instead!”. It’s disgusting. No transgender person, even these diehard simps for cisheteronormative patriarchy, benefits from assimilationist rhetoric, whether they realize it or not.
Yes. I half unfortunately fall within the spectrum of “what trans people should look like” so that feels insanely gross when people talk to me like “”“one of the good ones”“”
I may be vocal about my identity/origins with people, but my mostly “passing” means that I’ll have fewer of those interactions, and fewer people will know they’ve just interacted with a trans person and that it was nice. In a sense, I feel as though the burden of education is then involuntarily shifted to people who don’t fit into the traditional gender binary, so I feel like I should thank you for being visible, though it’s not really a choice. I hate that it puts y’all in more danger.
Peace and love 💕