I’ve been on a slow but steady decline for the past several years. I don’t move at all, barely leaving my room let alone the house; I’ve taken to eating shit I order out instead of cooking meals myself; I don’t get involved with any local orgs besides sending dues every month; I haven’t read a book in months; I regularly fail to perform bare minimum hygiene. The only reason I’m able to keep alive at all is because I haven’t moved out of my parents’ house, burdening them with helping me. It would be understandable if I was living hand to mouth and had barely any free time, but I am one of the small percent of burgers who isn’t a month away from destitution and I have more than enough free time. Not to mention I receive no shortage of help.
Since I can’t blame my material circumstances, I can only conclude that I am this way because I always refuse to take personal responsibility. I know that changing myself so that I can be, at bare minimum, not a drain on society is going to take a lot of work, work that I always put off due to cowardice. Idealist as it is, I feel like I have some innate metaphysical trait that makes me this way, and the entirety of my failure to pick myself up is due to a moral failing on my part and nothing more.
How do I force myself to unfuck myself so that I can actually be useful for revolution instead of yet another useless first world lotus eater?
I empathize a lot with what you and others have said. Understand that some people are better at organizing in real life (and we always need more of those). But you gotta recognize your strengths and your limits too. Some of us are just better at educating and organizing online. The stuff we share with each other here gets dispersed in our conversations offline. That is still activism. Especially in the imperial core. Every conversation you have about communism is a brave thing to do and comes with personal risks – whether that be your job, your friendships, your family, your livelihood. We’re not at the point where people are randomly being imprisoned for thought-crimes yet, but we may be headed in that direction. Simply educating people where you can is still a courageous thing to do.
I have adhd, depression, etc. and I have also taken a back seat from being present in spaces. I’ve gone through the phase of being disappointed in myself for not “doing more.” I forget sometimes that what I have is technically a disability and I need to treat myself with grace. What ultimately helped me was recognizing just how limited we are by our circumstances and by taking stock of all of the people in my circle that have been radicalized or have grown more skeptical of capitalism just by knowing me.