I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m involved with someone who keeps disappearing. She has a difficult home situation so I’m really understanding about her vanishing. But she’s giving me emotional whiplash which is driving me to self-harm. I am losing count of how many nights I’ve cried myself to sleep over her. She tells me she loves me more than anyone, then tells me that actually we aren’t “together”. She tries to ‘check in’ and says she never wants me to feel like she’s using me, then says I’m her “number one person”, then does whatever I told her hurts me again and again. She took me out of her bio on the one app we chat on, sometime in the last 2 weeks while I’ve been sick, and I’ve spent the last 24 hours very nearly suicidal. When I asked two of my closest friends if they think I’m letting myself be mistreated, they both said yes.
I don’t know how to deal with this. I wrote this girl a 15 page note which might be the sweetest thing I’ve ever written someone which I had told her I’d show her today and instead I find out she’s taken me out of her bio and there’s no sign of her at all (she hasn’t responded to any messages in 12 days). We’d talked about her moving in with me in the future, and she seemed to want it very badly, but we’re not “together”?
I am so hurt and confused. I don’t know how to deal with this. I’ve trusted her in a way I hadn’t trusted anyone in a long time and now it feels like that choice could have been a mistake and if it WAS it will destroy me.
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I’m just going to say it’s probably not worth it. I chased someone for a few years that would periodically lead me on but didn’t really do anything other than make some serious blows to my self esteem.
It’s hard to usually feel like she’s leading me on with how serious it always gets. Like it isn’t some well maaaaaybe thing, it’s just an awful back and forth where she insists both parts are true. But like if you really loved someone “more than anyone” why insist on not being in a relationship and take them out of your bio? She goes as far as talking about like future plans! I just don’t understand
I have had to end a very loving and special relationship because the other person’s mental health state and life situation just were not conducive to a functional and positive romance between the two of us.
It’s utterly devastating, but sometimes leaving to protect yourself is the right thing to do, and sometimes it’s the only way to survive.
Please put yourself first comrade.
That sounds terrible I’m so sorry. Ending this would be devastating. I want so so badly to be there for this person who is so sweet to me in person and clearly NEEDS someone to be on her side for once. But the thing where she took me out of her bio really feels close to a last straw. That’s like… taking away even the token gesture that I mean anything. At least, that’s how it feels. And I’m the kind of person who really breaks down without an affectionate partner in my life.
I’m the kind of person who really breaks down without an affectionate partner in my life.
This is a good thing to recognize, and I think I struggle with this myself, but it is indicative of work that you need to do. Dependence on a partner for emotional stability is always going to fail.
It’s a hard truth, but nobody is going to care about your feelings and support you in life like you will. Nobody is going to advocate for you like you will. Taking care of yourself and making yourself happy is ultimately your responsibility, and offloading that onto another person is unfair. And if this relationship makes you feel like killing yourself, I’d suggest to you that it’s not making you happy, and it’s time to investigate in therapy why you’re thinking about killing yourself at all.
It’s extremely difficult, there may be some white-knuckle moments, but you will get through it. And on the other side, there is nothing hotter than a partner who is in tune with their emotions and responsible with them. It just takes a lot of work, and, yes, failure, to get there.
edit: My personal opinion and experience with romance is that there is more than one right person out there for you, which is lucky, because you will fuck up a few times. I have met many wonderful and kind people with whom I could see myself having a loving and stable future, and one or both of us fucked it up because we were young or silly or ignorant or whatever. I don’t think about those people every day anymore, but I do carry that love with me. Sometimes the love I’ve lost feels like an incredible weight, but here’s the thing about carrying weight around all the time: it makes you fucking jacked. I am so much more equipped to cherish and uplift a partner today from those experiences.
This is a good thing to recognize, and I think I struggle with this myself, but it is indicative of work that you need to do. Dependence on a partner for emotional stability is always going to fail.
It’s a hard truth, but nobody is going to care about your feelings and support you in life like you will. Nobody is going to advocate for you like you will.I’m sorry but this isn’t how it works for me. I strongly believe that some of us were meant to be in partnerships. I know it doesn’t come off at all with all the macabre stuff I’m into, but I’m sincerely a hopeless romantic at heart. I don’t buy that people have to learn to be happy alone or that it’s even a good thing to feel complete without a partner (aro comrades willingly excluded of course). I do think there’s a lot to the idea of being the best version of yourself that you can be in order to be the “you” that your future partner deserves, but that isn’t quite the same as being happy without a partner.
Also, just for what it’s worth, it isn’t the relationship that makes me want to KMS. It’s the times that i’m worried for a week plus that I’ve lost her to circumstances totally out of my reach because of how things are going in her life. It’s the absences. When she’s there, in person, it’s amazing. Like… everything I ever wanted amazing.
I hope all of that made sense and doesn’t feel hostile. I know this can be a touchy subject for me, but hexbear being hexbear I want to engage you as a comrade.
No offense taken comrade, it’s a challenging situation and emotions are on the surface, I totally understand that.
I largely agree with you; I know I want a partner to share life with. I hate being single just because it feels like a waste of time when I know I could be sharing a loving relationship with someone and building something, and even in my most stable and happy times, if I’m single I feel like there’s something missing in my life.
I don’t want to be prescriptive towards you and your situation, so I’ll only speak for myself: No matter how much a partner might help me, and be part of my support network, I know that my mental health struggles are mine and mine alone to deal with. That does not mean that I am alone in dealing with them, but that only I can do the work to cope with them and enforce healthy cognitive patterns to keep me afloat and functional. Only I can decide that I want to continue to live, and then work to make that a bearable situation in my mind. My partner cannot extract the suicidal thoughts from my head, cannot protect me from them, and cannot resolve them for me. It is very scary and traumatic for people to be with someone who thinks about killing themselves, and so whether I am single or not, it is my and only my responsibility to be in control of my mental state. That does not mean being OK all the time, but it does mean that I am not presenting my partner with problems for them to fix, I am just leaning on them for support and affirmation when I am tired or discouraged from the task of working on myself.
So that’s what I mean. And now to be a bit prescriptive, but only out of love, and you can take it or leave it: Thoughts of killing yourself are no joke, and while they might passively cross everyone’s mind from time to time, if they are a recurring problem for you, it’s something that you really owe yourself to address seriously. And the process of addressing why you have suicidal thoughts can be really challenging and ugly and dark, and taking a partner along with you on that journey might only serve to make it more difficult for the both of you, because while reckoning with that demon, you may not have the capacity to devote to another person what they deserve, and worrying about that takes away from the attention and energy that you deserve.
Just my two cents from my own personal experience of falling in love while struggling with depression. Even if you read this and say, “nah fuck that,” I’ll be glad if it helps you find some kind of truth for yourself.
Been there, dragged out over a disturbingly long period of time.
Don’t prioritize someone who doesn’t prioritize you. And when people show you what kind of person they are, believe them the first time.
You don’t think living with an abusive parent and being in classes can give her a pass for a while as far as prioritizing me? The absences are fucking me up less than the back and forth.
Someone I was involved with would drop out of my life for months on end. Not only did she have school and a difficult family (and at times difficult roommates), she also had health problems. Every so often she would tell me how much I meant to her, send me songs that reminded her of me, come to visit for a day (but rarely the night, and even then with very reserved behavior), tell me how I stanched her suicidal ideation. But she never formalized anything with me, and kept me in limbo. In retrospect, I see that she did this very carefully, as she was seeing at least one other person whom she was categorically prioritizing far above me. She said she kept me from meeting her parents because they embarrassed her. Piecing things together, I know that they would have exposed her.
This all went on for (censored due to embarrassment) years.
Don’t fall for that kind of thing. Confront her about it once and give her a chance to be honest. If she’s going to play you like that, you should focus your efforts on finding someone else who will be as committed and genuinely loving as you are. Because love isn’t something you say, or even just something you feel for a little while. Love is something you do, over a long period.
Your life is your own. And it’s too short to waste on people who won’t reciprocate. Fool you once, shame on her…
Shit, some of that sounds too familiar. But she isn’t reserved when she’s around me in person, all of the bad stuff happens when we’re apart and over text. That’s part of why this is so fucking hard. In person she seems so genuinely loving, she’s literally cried in my arms once and always tells me how safe and cared for I make her feel. But then as soon as I’m all of eleven fucking minutes down the road… this. For what it’s worth I know her mom is abusive for a fact because I witnessed her mistreating this girl while she was unaware I was hiding in a closet (she almost walked in on us and is legally blind). But usually keeping me in limbo only to reach out every so often with sudden, intense, meaningful shit is exactly how it’s been. And I have “15 page love note” amounts of love to give someone like her so it’s very fucking hard to want to leave. Even if it’s like… what am I even leaving at this point? Lonely lights where I slit my wrists and cry myself to sleep?
I want to give her ONE chance to explain herself. But even that’s hard because she’s never there, and it feels like I can’t even start finding a new person before I give her a chance to fess up to whatever is going on.Why would you do SH or SSH? You have a heart full of love and dedication and that is exactly what the world needs. Your goodwill is something that you carry with you and no one else can steal it from you.
If she’s only dedicating part-time to you, you have no obligation to dedicate full-time to her. Maybe she isn’t ready for you, and doesn’t realize it yet, and might only realize this down the line after she’s done you more emotional damage. Perhaps her future with respect to you is either a few months worth of guilt or multiple years worth of guilt.
I had another relationship that was first love-bombing and then on-again-off-again. That was with someone who had BPD and would be “splitting” on my super intensely. I’m not going to diagnose anyone but there could be a mental typology aspect to it. Fortunately they were at least honest to me when they said they never wanted to see me again.
Also, again, your life is your own. Allow yourself to diversify and develop as a social (and sexual) being. There was a time before you met her, and you weren’t fundamentally lacking. Beware the Disney ideology that tells you A) that you’re incomplete without that special someone, and B) that if you just give everything to the relationship that it will turn out alright.
Why would you do SH or SSH? You have a heart full of love and dedication and that is exactly what the world needs. Your goodwill is something that you carry with you and no one else can steal it from you.
Unfortunately, the answer is that I have BPD. And I think it’s possible this entire thread was me splitting about her after she took me out of her bio. She messaged at midnight, apologizing that her phone had been taken from her by her abusive family, saying she had snuck into where they were keeping it but couldn’t stay there long, but remembered the date had been important so she wanted to message briefly. She said we’d talk more when we could (about the bio thing) when she was able to get her phone again.
I did go to therapy for a long time, fwiw. It became far too expensive after being kicked off my parents’ insurance. I’ve been trying to find like free online therapy for a while now. Also though
Beware the Disney ideology that tells you A) that you’re incomplete without that special someone
I am actually a romantic at heart so unfortunately this IS how I feel. I know my online presence doesn’t really give that away much, but it’s true. I’ve consistently been in relationships for most of my life and I still genuinely believe that some people are happier with a partner and will eventually find one who lasts. Part of the reason I am so hung up on this specific girl is that when we’re together in person, she’s everything I’ve always been looking for a partner. Almost to more of a degree than I thought I would ever find. But unfortunately, since things are tough in her life right now, I constantly fear losing her to the cruel whims of her abusive family. I’m going to give her a chance to explain herself, at least.
BPD need not dictate the final word. In addition to the ex-lover, I had a roommate with BPD who went through a hellish year and still ended up making a string of decisions and accomplishments that made me proud of her, as well as herself.
I’ve lived with family that restricted my access to communications, it sucked and I was overjoyed to get away from that. There’s likely hope for you and your lady, you’ll mostly just need to succeed in communicating that there’s a certain baseline of interaction and/or confidence that you need. Or at least some sort of signal she can give to assure you that you are special to her, and that she has deep and loyal intentions toward you. For my case, on the other hand…
I am also a romantic at heart. I really prefer having someone to attach to, someone to belong with, someone to have all kinds of affection for. It’s been observed that people in committed relationships have more sex and report higher subjective well-being than single people. But I still don’t think it’s healthy or adaptive to have the view that instead of making your life more pleasant and fulfilling, a personal attachment is the only way you can derive pleasure and fulfilment.
This is abusive behavior. She’s just going to continue hurting you. I’m sorry but I think letting her go might be the best thing to do.
I keep telling myself there are extenuating circumstances but with each new thing they seem less extenuating. Her family, who she lives with, are abusive and she is mistreated. I know this one is true because I witnessed it firsthand. So I always figured the vanishing was genuinely because they restrict her ability to talk to people. And she’d always insinuate we weren’t together yet, and say she really wanted to be but felt like we needed to wait.
But her family didn’t fucking make her take me out of her bio. That one is all her and she had to go out of her way to do it.
edit: i don’t know if it’ll seem silly to be so upset by that, but when you regularly go a week without hearing from someone, having that ONE little fucking acknowledgement of your bond with them ends up meaning a lot.
