I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m involved with someone who keeps disappearing. She has a difficult home situation so I’m really understanding about her vanishing. But she’s giving me emotional whiplash which is driving me to self-harm. I am losing count of how many nights I’ve cried myself to sleep over her. She tells me she loves me more than anyone, then tells me that actually we aren’t “together”. She tries to ‘check in’ and says she never wants me to feel like she’s using me, then says I’m her “number one person”, then does whatever I told her hurts me again and again. She took me out of her bio on the one app we chat on, sometime in the last 2 weeks while I’ve been sick, and I’ve spent the last 24 hours very nearly suicidal. When I asked two of my closest friends if they think I’m letting myself be mistreated, they both said yes.
I don’t know how to deal with this. I wrote this girl a 15 page note which might be the sweetest thing I’ve ever written someone which I had told her I’d show her today and instead I find out she’s taken me out of her bio and there’s no sign of her at all (she hasn’t responded to any messages in 12 days). We’d talked about her moving in with me in the future, and she seemed to want it very badly, but we’re not “together”?
I am so hurt and confused. I don’t know how to deal with this. I’ve trusted her in a way I hadn’t trusted anyone in a long time and now it feels like that choice could have been a mistake and if it WAS it will destroy me.
BPD need not dictate the final word. In addition to the ex-lover, I had a roommate with BPD who went through a hellish year and still ended up making a string of decisions and accomplishments that made me proud of her, as well as herself.
I’ve lived with family that restricted my access to communications, it sucked and I was overjoyed to get away from that. There’s likely hope for you and your lady, you’ll mostly just need to succeed in communicating that there’s a certain baseline of interaction and/or confidence that you need. Or at least some sort of signal she can give to assure you that you are special to her, and that she has deep and loyal intentions toward you. For my case, on the other hand…
I am also a romantic at heart. I really prefer having someone to attach to, someone to belong with, someone to have all kinds of affection for. It’s been observed that people in committed relationships have more sex and report higher subjective well-being than single people. But I still don’t think it’s healthy or adaptive to have the view that instead of making your life more pleasant and fulfilling, a personal attachment is the only way you can derive pleasure and fulfilment.