Not sure where else to post this besides here…if it’s more appropriate somewhere else, please direct me there.
31, male, virgin, autism, bipolar, socially awkward, ostracized growing up, hit with the ugly stick.
I have decided to end the search for a romantic partner in the face of 100% failure over the past decade and a half. The idea that everyone has a soulmate is bullshit, and I’m one of the ones who doesn’t. I have not found anyone who seems to want me (there was a brief LDR but she was psychotic, as I quickly found, and things ended very shortly after they began), and given my near-total lack of experience I don’t see any point in making any further efforts.
I cannot change how anyone sees me nor can I compel anyone to view me in a certain light. Whatever flaws I possess in addition to those already mentioned are, apparently, deep-rooted and systemic to the point that I don’t know what I need to change about myself, nor do I think at this point that it’s even possible (or indeed worth it).
I have tried to make my peace with this. Every time I think I’ve done it, though, something comes up and I’m back to square one again. (This time around it was a random manic or mixed episode.) I am in therapy, but these matters persist in causing me negative effects on my mental and physical health. The term “touch-starved” has been applied to me, among others.
I need to put this issue to rest in order to actually move on and do things with my life. How do I subdue and get over the desire for companionship?
There’s a canned answer you often see in response to this type of question: work on yourself, first.
The most annoying thing about that answer is that it’s true. Even if it is a cliche.
You have given up on finding a partner, but have not really let go of the idea and still grieve over it. And you’re right, being touch starved is an actual thing and it’s a very hard, very depressing thing. All of this is 100% understandable. It’s perfectly normal and natural. It’s a very strong instinct, need, and desire to crave companionship.
But as you have said yourself (and this shows a lot of maturity and wisdom on your part): you can’t control other people. They either like you or they don’t. They’re either available or they’re not.
So try to focus on another truth: many people live happy, rich, rewarding lives on their own. It just takes work and practice, like anything else. They typically find something that drives them, engages them, and gives them purpose. Whether it’s religion or charity work or volunteering or climbing a mountain or composing a symphony…well that part is entirely up to you. But try to find it, whatever it is, and get to work on it.
And some of those people, on rare occasions, get lucky and find someone to be a companion along the way. Usually when they were not looking for anyone, or had even given up on it. You can’t expect this to happen for you. It’s rare. But it can and does happen. Your chances are better when you are working on that specific THING that drives you and not chasing after ephemeral general “happiness”.
And you may never find a romantic partner. But you can still make friends with people. And friendships are wonderful. Friendship may feel like a “snack” when you really need a “meal” but a snack is far, far, better than starvation. And friendships often form when you are pursuing that thing, whatever that thing is for you.
And here’s a final truth that doesn’t help you directly, but should give you some perspective: there are many, many, many people in romantic relationships and they are absolutely miserable. Getting into a romantic relationship is one thing, staying in one is another, and getting out of one is yet another. Having a romantic partner is great…but it also brings even more challenges and problems along for the ride. It doesn’t really “solve” the working on you problem.
I love this response.
I think a lot of people view the search for a soul mate as a quest to find the person that’s going to love them as deeply and unequivocally as they love themselves but neither of those goals are really… the thing you should be striving for.
I’m married and I don’t think my husband loves me as much as he loves himself (which might sound sad) but I don’t want him to love me the same way he loves himself. I want him to love me as his partner, as someone who is working alongside him to achieve what we mutually hope to achieve and the things we individually want to achieve.
There’s a reason that bonds develop during shared experiences. Love comes from doing something with someone, a partnership comes about when you want to do a lot of things with someone. You can have so many meaningful connections working with other humans on things that mean something to you.
I hope OP can find a path forward where they pursue the things that matter to them and can find connection (romantic or otherwise) in the shared experience that comes from their pursuit.
I hope OP can find a path forward where they pursue the things that matter to them
That’s where I’m trying to get to. That’s why I’ve asked this question. It is clouding me out from that.
I mean, you really are in a tough spot because all these emotions around this desire for connection: the want, pain, grief, anger, sadness are all the ways in which your body/ brain are screaming “I need this” so I can see how the obvious solution would be “I just have to stop wanting it” so that I can make the screaming stop
but I think what the original comment (and potentially some other comments) are saying is that you maybe have to turn toward the, listen to it, honor it (in a practical sense maybe get therapy or find other social services to try and meet the need in the interim) and then tell yourself that you are going to get your body/ brain what it needs, you’re just going to do in a different way. You’re going to work on things that matter to you, and move forward down that path, instead of the one you are currently on.
It’s not easy to listen though. Listening means facing a lot of the places that fear comes from. It’s all just very hard and I sincerely hope you find what you’re looking for.
You have given up on finding a partner, but have not really let go of the idea and still grieve over it.
This is exactly it. I need to figure out how to let go. It is not within me to simply let a thing die.
I think you’re pulling the wrong thing out, even though your statement might be true. Yes, it could be useful to let go. But fucking work on loving yourself.
Someone once told me that I could never be with her unless I loved myself. At that point, I’d gone from hating myself to liking myself, but couldn’t see me ever loving myself. I continued the work (therapy, a desire to end every day a slightly better person than the day before (you know, growing)).
I’ve now loved myself for roughly four years. This is a lifetime achievement for me and it makes all the difference. When you’re excited by life people pick up on it (said the cynic who is terrified of the future because holy shit. These ideas can, surprisingly, co-exist). There are many ways to get there, but getting there is the point. Invest in yourself.
Do you have platonic friends? Humans need a community to be a part of, so if you don’t have one you should start by finding one. Recognize that companionship comes in many different forms, not just romantically. Just because you have hit pause on pursuing romance, doesn’t mean you should become a total hermit (unless that will make you happy, which it sounds like it wouldn’t).
Find people with similar interests and hobbies you can connect over. Show up to places consistently so you can start to know the people who are doing the same things you are at the same time you do them.
Do you have platonic friends?
Yes. They’re all platonic.
Ask them if anyone fancies a [platonic] cuddle. It helps. A lot.
Hey man. I’m hoping for the best. One human to another.
This happened to me.
Something broke in my brain since the more I tried, the more it failed. I was focused on improving my quality of life (books, courses, training), and helping others with theirs (friends with moving, volunteer work, raising my hand at work events). I completely stopped pursuing romantic relationships.
At a random social event, I talked passionately about board games and this girl came up to me and I brought her into some board game sessions. I actively avoided any hint of flirting for months. Again, I was just looking to enrich people’s lives. After a year and a few board game sessions, she made a move.
That was 15 years ago and we have two kids.
I mean I got cats
Mine got me through the pan. I still lost it and had to go on an antidepressant (resisted for too long; don’t let denial block treatment for depression). But without them, I shudder to think how I’d have coped.
I’ll share with you a lyric that I consider poetic: “Loneliness is not a phase.”
I’ve been lonely most of my life, even when I have friends or a relationship. Some of us had hardships that builds this in. Therapy has been my saving grace. It doesn’t eliminate hard aspects of life, but it can give you the tools to experience them and grow. Glad you’re (OP) in it. Fwiw, I’m also bi-polar and in treatment for that. I’d give you a hug if I could.
One last thought, and I hesitate to share this. This can be taken many ways that aren’t how I intend. Buddhism (which I know almost nothing about) has a simple truth that “life is suffering.” I’ll explain what it means to me this way:
My father knew someone who seemed to have life all figured out. Then, he read that person’s memoire. The figured-out person had all the same doubts, troubles, and insecurities that my father had. That’s when he realized that we’re all human, we’re all the same, it wasn’t just him. I’m not trying to erase the aspects of your life that are specific to you. I’m suggesting that feeling bad or alone isn’t something that is unique to you. There’s something freeing in that realization. I wish you all the best.
Life is suffering…boy howdy how my life is suffering…
Can you find some group therapy? You may find it beneficial to be with others who have similar troubles in a caring and understanding situation. It sounds like you have had some bad luck socially, which makes it easy/tempting to shut the world out, so learning to be open with others and to deal with difficult subjects with them may be beneficial to you in ways that one-on-one therapy cannot offer. It can also be helpful hearing others voicing their problems, as those may be things that affect you in ways you hadn’t considered before too.
Can you find some group therapy?
I’ve never considered that. I did find a support group for bipolar disorder in my locality and I’m supposed to go to it on Friday. Hopefully something good will come of it.
Good luck! It’ll be strange at first but it is worth sticking it out until you have settled a bit
I had my first session with a support group yesterday evening. It is strange as you have said, but I am planning on sticking it out.
That’s great! That is a scary thing to do, so way to go
Being touch starved is a real thing. I can’t believe I’m going to suggest this, but maybe talk with your therapist about whether it might benefit you to see a sex worker? I’ve known a couple men who were touch starved (not just sex starved) who benefitted from regular visits with a sex worker. Other than that, good regular massage could help. For both of those, seeing the same person over time seems like the best idea, even though it’s not a romantic relationship. Also a dog, one who likes to cuddle and needs to be exercised daily, could improve your life.
Also a dog, one who likes to cuddle and needs to be exercised daily, could improve your life.
I have one. She is my best buddy.
talk with your therapist about whether it might benefit you to see a sex worker?
I live in the United States. I do not live in Nevada.
Maybe try casual dating and hookup apps. I hear Tinder is good for finding hookups, and it’s legal even outside of Nevada. Perhaps some ladies nearby are also touch-starved. I second the suggestions that you ensure good body hygiene, dress somewhat well, and have good posture when sitting and standing.
You can also see if your friends are open to (non-sexual) cuddling; maybe they are also touch-starved. Girls (especially in childhood) are more open to hugging and cuddling, and maybe you can get a little bit of that good cuddles by leaning up against a guy friend while watching football or something. Not sure how to help regarding accusations of “that’s gay” though. One of my friends is pretty gay so that doesn’t bother us (we don’t have a sexual relationship, but we do make lots of jokes).
Best of luck.
As I related in a previous comment, I’ve tried multiple online dating platforms, including:
- OKCupid
- Tinder
- Bumble
- Hiki
- Hinge
- No Longer Lonely
- Meet Metalheads (which was a scam, unfortunately)
- Coffee Meets Bagel
- Birdie
- Siren
- Facebook Dating
I also attempted to use a matchmaking service, It’s Just Lunch.
Honestly from everyone I have talked to these dating platforms make the dating scene worse across the board. It basically makes every individual meet up a lower investment and the amount of choice means more individual scrutiny because there is more one to one comparisons, FOMO that the best option is just a little further on and women eventually get driven to giving up on romance entirely because of pickup artists and so many bad actors.
Quiting and being done with all of those, deleting them is the first step. You want to eliminate the things that keep bringing your mind back to the idea you are missing out.
Then I recommend doing things to extend that platonic friend group. Even amazing guys get stuck if they allow their irl social lives to stagnate. Get out there and take some classes in something that could interest you. Volunteer for events, say yes to weird things. Aim to have more plutonic friends first. When people can sense you are desperate for romance they can pick up on that way too early and sometimes they will have to weigh the possibility of having to shoot you down before they even get to know anything about you or like you. That fear of having to hurt someone’s feelings keeps a lot of people pretty standoffish about any kind of relationship, platonic included.
Releasing your expectations is not a bad thing. You are not giving up hope. New social settings and groups give you a chance to present yourself differently. Sometimes if you are stuck with the same group you get pigeonholed into being the same person you were back when you made those friendships and it could be making you low key miserable. Use this as a chance to experiment and build new, more informed and experienced versions of yourself from scratch.
Missed that, sorry. My point about cuddling with friends still stands. It works quite well for me.
Get yourself a hobby that you’re truly passionate about. You might have to do a few hobbies to find out the one you like the most. Do not worry about being shitty at said hobby. You don’t have to be good at something to enjoy it. As you do the hobby more, you will get better with time.
With a good hobby and time, you’ll wean your focus off of the heartbreak. The real ‘soulmates’ you meet in life are usually found in doing the shit you enjoy. Even if you don’t meet someone, you’ll be 100x happier than most.
Good luck friend.
You’ll be like that for a while. I think we all have some kind of longing for a deeper connection, but also know it’s not necessarily in the cards.
It’s been 3 years since I stopped looking, and while I was in a LTR before that, by the end I had realized I wasn’t the partner anyone deserved to be stuck with, a sentiment that was echoed by my partner at the time. (And was well deserved, I was/am an ass)
Eventually some of the pain fades and you can enjoy being alone, but it’s not easy, and certainly isn’t fun.
I’ve found hobbies that I can enjoy by myself and that’s been pretty much it. Being ok with going out alone is another hard one to get over, which I’m still working on.
I think the hard truth is it doesn’t get easier, it just bothers you a little less as time goes on. There’s something peaceful about living life entirely on your own terms with no responsibilities to anyone else. No need to consider a potential partner when doing activities, all of your space is your own and a bunch of other small things that I realize now I wouldn’t want to give up for a relationship.
It’s hard to say what you could do to improve your situation without knowing you, and your diagnoses cannot be «fixed».
Being hit with the ugly stick however is something you can work on.
Do you excersize and stay in decent shape?
Do you groom regularly?
Do you pay attention to what you wear (no need to blow loads on fashion, but in general)?All of those combined could bring you up a point or two, but your main issue is probably your lack of confidence, which is very understandable.
Confidence in who you are and you being awesome is, in my experience, everything.
You can fake it, but to truly build it you need to come to terms with the facts and love yourself.Do you excersize and stay in decent shape?
I’ve lost about 80 pounds over the last couple of years.
Do you groom regularly?
I try. I was told that facial hair looked good, but that was a disaster.
Do you pay attention to what you wear (no need to blow loads on fashion, but in general)?
Yes.
Being hit with the ugly stick however is something you can work on.
Not when you’ve got physical deformities.
So you answered my questions, but at the same time you didn’t.
Congrats on losing 80 lbs! That’s a massive job well done. Are you still overweight?
If so, keep at it! Every pound lost makes you look better, feel better, live longer and healthier.Facial hair: Who said it looked good? Who said it looked bad?
Did several people compliment it, but one or two tore your self image back down?
If it really was bad: Try something new.I don’t know and won’t ask any personal questions, but are these deformities impossible to hide or improve upon?
I do not mean surgery, but facial hair, hair, clothing or even make-up?It’s always your choice if you wish to give up or not, but as long as you seem to have a semblance of hope I’m gonna try to be a positive in your life.
So you answered my questions, but at the same time you didn’t.
I do that.
Congrats on losing 80 lbs! That’s a massive job well done.
Thank you.
Are you still overweight?
Not anymore.
Facial hair: Who said it looked good? Who said it looked bad? Did several people compliment it, but one or two tore your self image back down? If it really was bad: Try something new.
Some close female friends (in whom I have no romantic interest) said it looked good in theory. I grew it out for about a month. It was a poor choice. I don’t grow facial hair. What some people call a five o’clock shadow takes me a week. I ended up looking like an incel.
but are these deformities impossible to hide or improve upon?
Yes. One is a combination of an injury I received in college and an autoimmune disorder. Another is…I guess just the way my bone structure developed.
It’s always your choice if you wish to give up or not, but as long as you seem to have a semblance of hope I’m gonna try to be a positive in your life.
Ok.
I don’t know if you wallow in self pity or if you’ve actually tried it all, but I’m gonna let you make the calls for your life.
I wish you the best regardless and know that it’s never to late to change your mind, friend.
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I don’t want to change my mind. I already did in getting to this point and I am determined to follow it to its logical conclusion.
Honestly, it’s not that bad. You have more money and time to spend on what you enjoy. Don’t have to have pointless arguments over insignificant stuff. Half the dishes to do, half the laundry, etc.
Does it get lonely? Yeah, sometimes. But compared to the alternative, being single isn’t the worst option.
