Thanks for the time you took to answer me - yeah, i see the contradiction, and it lies in the fact that in life i do consider myself as a sensitive and very empathetic person. On a conscious level i really am the last person to want to hurt people. But i have heard and read the stories of people who ended up doing really despicable shit, and aside from the purely psychopathic ones they all talk about knowing it was wrong and yet being unable to control themselves because of the pressure building up.

So that is just something i am afraid of, not something that i think WILL happen. As of now i guess we got lucky enough that i also ended up with enough sanity to avoid ever even considering the idea of acting out any fantasy.

As of the why i get aroused by what i do, as i said in another comment it just has always been like that. I don’t know if there was a trigger or if i was just born like this. I really hate using the clinical term for what i (think i) am, it makes me feel like a monster, but being blunt… I just like the idea of hurting people to a point where it can in no way be done consensually or even legally. I can’t even begin to explain how much i hate even writing it.

Honestly i know that the logical next step is to see a therapist. I have never done nor watched anything illegal, so logically i could still be “cured” without any real damage done to anyone. Yet the thought of actually telling this to a real person, while giving away my name and face, just terrifies me. Relatively “normal” bdsm or harscore porn has allowed me to “postpone” the issue so far, but it is not in any way sustainable. And i know how massively fucked up the porn industry is.

This post and all the comments made me really think about how porn, specially the kind i watch, is completely against my values, but i don’t know where to start. So i really appreciate that you took the time to write out a blueprint i can try to follow.

If this was reddit i would use the RemindMe command 6 months for now, I’ll just save this thread for now