I feel like I have been deteriorating for months. I haven’t wanted to do anything and talk to anyone. Even playing video games feels like more work than I’m willing to do. I don’t want to leave bed and just want to sleep permanently.
I’m lucky that I work from home and have a slow enough job that I can regularly shirk responsibility without anyone noticing. I’m also lucky that I still live with my parents and have some people around. But I can’t keep living like this. Despite having a full time job, I’m living like a NEET.
I’m already seeing a therapist and getting medication from a shrink. That doesn’t seem to be making a difference. Between support from professionals and family members and professionals, I’m getting more than enough help for most people to get back on their feet. Yet for some reason it’s not enough for me.
I can only conclude at this point that the reason I’m continuing to get worse is that I refuse to take personal responsibility. I know “personal responsibility” isn’t enough in most cases where systemic issues keep people down, but I’m ridiculously privileged, as in “has never faced anything resembling real hardship” privileged. The system is set up for shits like me to do well and I still can’t pick myself up. It doesn’t help that I have less self discipline than a teenage twitter anarchist who wants to abolish bedtime.
How do I get myself to stop being so lazy and do something? I’m tired of being little more than a parasitic slug.
Are you USian or European?
If you are from the US and have okay insurance, I suggest finding a non-CBT therapist, some in this group may frown upon it, but I felt similar feelings for a long while even though I was getting CBT, I switched to a Lacanian Psychoanalyst and she helped me tremendously. Most are anti-capitalist and acknowledge the effect the system has on our mental health and wellbeing. I know in a lot of the west they crack jokes about psychoanalysis, but the contemporary form is a lot more refined and changed with time. There aren’t that many around in Europe or the US but most will meet over video conference or telephone and in the US will do sliding scale if not in network or have bad insurance. I meet with mine over Zoom, she’s in France and I am in HK.
I promise things can get better, even if it feels like you are choking a bit on your own self loathing. Privilege doesn’t discount your from the all consuming presence of our economic system, everyone, regardless of privilege, has or is currently struggling because of the system. You can find your way through the worst of it, I promise.
Find your zone of support, friends you trust whether in person or online, you can always vent here and the community will be here for you.