I’m very sorry for rambling and writing terribly. It’s very late where I am and I feel exhausted after spending all day fighting myself again. I’ve been putting off sending a post like this for a while, but I just feel like I’m at the end of my rope. Hopefully I make at least a little sense. I just started typing and wrote from my heart without looking back. Thank you for reading.
I’m just very confused and its destroying my mental health. Thinking of the future in general is soul sucking. I don’t have dreams of traveling anymore, or going out with friends, or having a family or a high paying job. All I have is stress and fear from the very idea of working 40+ hour weeks at a dead end capitalist job with no vacations, no benefits, no sick days, playing a capitalist rat race, not having enough money to save up and support myself, and not having enough time or money to do anything interesting or worthwhile. I feel like I’m trapped in a cruel hell.
I’m currently in the college hell of trying to determine what to major in, and more importantly pursue in the future as a career or field. I’m quite lost and extremely anxious going through this. I feel that most of my interests are laughable and/or translate to poorly paying jobs, or are social “negatives” that can only be rarely applied in a very niche collection of spaces in a capitalist system (i.e. Marxism). For example I was very interested in political sciences, but jobs are one in a million if I weren’t to pursue academia or law which I’m not particularly interested in. Even then what little jobs there are are pretty much all for neoliberal, conservative, and imperialist; corporations, thinktanks, and government institutions. Along with that, all my dreams of the future feel empty and impossible now, as I have a hard time finding any strength to fight back against the system alone. It’s hard to see the purpose is trying. I feel like I made a big mistake walking out Plato’s cave and seeing the world for what it is. I wish I could go back to the blissful ignorance.
I can’t even decide what I like anymore, I don’t enjoy anything useful like Comp Sci or Medicine, and I don’t feel a particular strong passion or interest for any field, even ones that don’t pay well or are rare. For example I have a friend in art school, which while an unconventional and poorly respected path in the capitalist hellscape, they find great passion and interest in what they do and love every moment of it. Letting them pay little attention to the future.
Meanwhile I feel trapped thinking about the failure I will amount to as I am stuck paralyzed. All I can think about is the hellscape of the system I’m trapped in with no way to claw out of. Like a bad dream that you can’t wake up from.
I’m very privileged to have been able to see a a very distinguished and well respected therapist and psychologist for what’s been going on in my life, but even they’re clueless. All they can give are sad platitudes, and depressing agreement to what I say. They are a wonderful person and try their best, but it seems like there’s little someone can do to help a problem like this.
I feel trapped and cursed.
You haven’t even once mentioned people. Think about the people in your life, people that support you unconditionally. That’s a beautiful thing! Hell, even if that were the only good thing about life, life would still be precious!
Regarding careers, there’s no perfect decision to make. Even I hate mine sometimes, but I believe it’s not usually a big deal no matter what you choose, as long as you can actually pull through. And motivation is more important than skill for that.
That is true, I have neglected to think about the people in my life, and there are definitely those that care deeply about me. Keeping those people in mind has been very helpful in trying to move forward. I have struggled though with the fear of loss and the fear of disappointing those close to me, which makes remembering those that love me a double edged sword. However I have tried my best to use those fears instead as motivation to keep moving and improving.
I’ve never had many friends, and its very difficult to not feel disconnected and isolated from people when I feel like there’s no way for me to connect with the world. I’ve always had a poor relationship with my family, and as I live in a very rural area next to a dead city there is no community of any kind to be found where I could bond over common interests. It gets very lonely.
Thank you for your words regarding your career though, I feel like my fear doesn’t come from the worry that I won’t love every single day of my job, or that I’ll actually have to work, but instead from getting stuck in poverty living paycheck to paycheck, soul sucking, death spiral all with a 40+ hour work week. I also have very high aspirations, coupled with my desire to see the world change as a Marxist. That feels like an Achilles Heel.