Maybe it started out because when I was little I was a bit above average, always being used to spot #1 really eroded my sense of modesty.

Now my grades are really down and with that I’m giving myself yet another cigarette to deaden my mind, I’m starting to antagonize even the bois in class that cheered me up - just because their grades are nigh impeccable while seemingly only I suffer from ‘blunders’, somethimes I become exceptionally petty and secretly wish they too would do a fuck-up once.

For a place in uni later on I don’t actually have to stress myself too much, but seeing my grades less than that of younger classmates gives me anything but peace at mind. And the night before I prepared myself up until 2 a.m…

I always appear to have less friends, my hobbies are obscure, things I can say to hold a conversation is getting… fewer by the day, I don’t know any memes anymore, my interests are too esoteric, I have nothing much going on. The only thing I could only boast about these days, my limited language capabilities, is now also aggrevating my inferiority complex - I met a foreigner that is so keen on my language he is starting to ask me questions I can’t even answer because I had not even known about such grammar/words. He’s 13. I’m legally a man now.

So what do I have bois, save a muddled mess of half-cockedness, inextricable tangles of social life and everpresent thoughtlessness in every aspect

I’m aware of my case. The mates I have, my family, they all console me, told me not to give a damn, I know it only worsens my case but the sentiment kicks in almost instinctlively, I don’t want to wish harm upon anymone, I don’t want to further terrorize my already sickly mental health. It feels so hard to accept that one can’t win against someone at times, at least for me

Tears are gushing out of my eyes at the moment I write this sentence, can I even help my miserable self at this point

Sorry if I’m on the wrong forum again mates, I just don’t want to burden known associates about this