Does anyone else get a feeling of dread around this time of year? Because I do. I’m at a Christmas party hosted by one side of the family and on Christmas Eve I’ll be celebrating with the other side, and for both of these events I feel uncomfortable and nervous. My family, both immediate, extended, and step, have… “issues.” I think many can imagine what issues I am alluding to: racism, homophobia, transphobia, general ignorance, you name it. Not all of them are bad, of course, and I know things aren’t black and white but damn does the bad sometimes outweigh the good in some people.

My mom has been feeling immense anxiety as she’s hosting Christmas Eve this year and she called me about how she’s feeling; she’s so worried someone (or multiple people) will say something stupid, and knowing me she called to warn me and beg me not to say anything. While she’s very supportive of me and understands where I’m coming from when I try to educate others and why I engage in these polarizing conversations, she doesn’t want me to do anything as it will cause a huge argument leading to me being the bad guy (as always) which will cause her to defend me and it’ll just be a whole mess. She doesn’t want the stress and I get that, I’ve been thinking about that exact scenario too and my remedy is to just leave the situation and cool off, maybe take her dog for a walk (he is a little pom) and if I must, cry. I’m going to use a similar strategy at this party but instead of going for a walk (not familiar with the neighbourhood) I’ll just stick my headphones in and play my switch.

For me, it’s not just ignorance that bothers me, I understand not knowing things and I’m happy to help. The problem is that my family members are stubborn and confidently wrong. If you try to correct them, even gently as I do every time, there is angry pushback; they cannot handle being wrong ever. Once, years ago, I tried to tell my aunt not to use a slur (I said it nicely as I was 14 at the time) and I ended up getting yelled at by both her and her daughter, it was awful. So that gives you an idea of what I’m working with. Because of my family on all sides the holidays just feel like a chore rather than a warm celebration.

Does this resonate with anyone? I don’t mean to be a downer, I do have good people in my life (my mom, dad, and younger cousins) so it’s not all terrible but it’s still tough. I’m also an introvert and like to be on my own so parties make me uncomfortable and overstimulated.