I’m going to be complaining a bunch in this post, so if you don’t want to hear the moaning of a labor aristocrat who should really not be complaining about his situation, feel free to skip this post.
I don’t feel like a human being. I’m unable to feel empathy. I’m unable to feel any sort of human bond, even with friends and family I’ve known my whole life. I’ve been in therapy and on meds for years but they don’t help. This leads to a life of no joy or meaning. I’m also not moved by the suffering of others when I know I should be. I’ve watched videos of some of the Ukranian war crimes and read a post another user made that went into graphic detail about the Thai sex trade and felt… nothing. As far as I’m concerned, I’m an evil psychopath. But I don’t want to be this way. But I don’t know how to change. Because of this, the only emotions I know are anger and self loathing. I genuinely despise myself.
Because I’m a fucking monster, I lash out at people sometimes and say terrible things. Hell, there was a post a few weeks ago here highlighting some evil unhinged shit that got my lemmy account banned. In fact, if the mods are worried I’m going to say some unhinged shit that’s basically fed bait, I would fully understand if you banned me. I’m not even sure people like me should be allowed near communities.
Because I have, I can’t think of another way to put this, no soul, I barely do anything in life. The only reason I’m able to keep up with my job is that it’s a barely monitored remote code monkey gig. I barely move and don’t monitor what I eat. I spend an unhealthy amount of time on the internet, and often I’ll go days at a time without sleeping. I don’t have the guts to put a bullet in my brain, but I’m basically already doing a slow motion suicide.
I’m posting this here because this community seems to understand what’s going on in the world, is full of compassionate people, and has users who are experienced with dealing with mental illness.
How the fuck do I become a human being? How do I stop being a psychopath?
Thank you to everyone who commented. I’m glad I was right that this community would be supportive and understanding.
Looking back at my OP, I realize that I’m treating this “soulessness” as if it were some sort of unchanging metaphysical essence. I’m not the best read on theory, but I think I’ve read enough to know that existence precedes essence, not the other way around. I didn’t pop into existence this way: I am a product of society. Considering my privilege, that I meet multiple intersections of oppressor, I wouldn’t be surprised if my current state is at least partially because of the ruling class trying to turn people like me into cudgels to be used against the most oppressed and downtrodden.
I think I have at least a broad idea of what I must do: eat well, exercise, read, and when I’m not falling apart at the seams anymore, organize.
You need to interact with other people in a healthy way. I don’t know how isolated you are but you can start with small steps at any point. I have an agoraphobia and social phobia diagnosis diagnosis so I’m not talking BS assuming it’s easy.
A problem with feeling disconnected from other humans is that you end up causing it yourself by consciously avoiding human contact.
AND avoid calling yourself a psychopath (unless you are ASPD and have gotten comfortable with your diagnosis). You’re beating yourself down for no reason. It’s not a nice label and the weight of it will stop you from improving yourself.
Don’t forget sleeping, seriously
Thanks. I think the main drivers of my lack of sleep are painful acid reflux and too much time in front of screens. I’ve already noticeably improved on the first front.
I’ve heard that not eating for quite a while before sleeping can help with acid reflux, if you haven’t already tried that. For monitor use, apparently there are glasses that block some type of light that may be harmful to some extent, although I’ve never tried them personally