I’m going to be complaining a bunch in this post, so if you don’t want to hear the moaning of a labor aristocrat who should really not be complaining about his situation, feel free to skip this post.

I don’t feel like a human being. I’m unable to feel empathy. I’m unable to feel any sort of human bond, even with friends and family I’ve known my whole life. I’ve been in therapy and on meds for years but they don’t help. This leads to a life of no joy or meaning. I’m also not moved by the suffering of others when I know I should be. I’ve watched videos of some of the Ukranian war crimes and read a post another user made that went into graphic detail about the Thai sex trade and felt… nothing. As far as I’m concerned, I’m an evil psychopath. But I don’t want to be this way. But I don’t know how to change. Because of this, the only emotions I know are anger and self loathing. I genuinely despise myself.

Because I’m a fucking monster, I lash out at people sometimes and say terrible things. Hell, there was a post a few weeks ago here highlighting some evil unhinged shit that got my lemmy account banned. In fact, if the mods are worried I’m going to say some unhinged shit that’s basically fed bait, I would fully understand if you banned me. I’m not even sure people like me should be allowed near communities.

Because I have, I can’t think of another way to put this, no soul, I barely do anything in life. The only reason I’m able to keep up with my job is that it’s a barely monitored remote code monkey gig. I barely move and don’t monitor what I eat. I spend an unhealthy amount of time on the internet, and often I’ll go days at a time without sleeping. I don’t have the guts to put a bullet in my brain, but I’m basically already doing a slow motion suicide.

I’m posting this here because this community seems to understand what’s going on in the world, is full of compassionate people, and has users who are experienced with dealing with mental illness.

How the fuck do I become a human being? How do I stop being a psychopath?

  • ☭ 𝗚𝗿𝗮𝗶𝗻𝗘𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗿 ☭A
    12•2 years ago

    I’m not qualified to give any advice whatsoever, so take this all with a mountain of salt.

    The most important thing is that you should absolutely make sure that you sleep every day. Even if you don’t feel tired, we can’t function properly if we stay awake for too long. If you have trouble falling asleep, try some natural sleeping aids or, if necessary, some non-addictive sleeping pills.

    I will point out that you’re a communist (at least I assume so since you’re here), which is pretty cool. You’re also aware of your issues, which is a good start. It’s good that you have a remote job (I do as well, and it takes a lot of pressure off my mind). If you want to post something negative about some user, even if they’ve expressed some really horrible views (like the person you replied to in the comment which got your other account banned), I’d say it’d be better to just not post it, to be safe (especially if it’s wishing them harm in some way).

    Regarding your partial lack of empathy: I have this problem as well, mostly w.r.t. people I don’t personally know. I am mostly detached from the suffering of Ukrainian civilians during this war (although I haven’t been actively looking for videos showing their perspective). I did feel a brief wave of disgust by the post you mentioned about Thailand, but it passed quickly. Unfortunately, I have no idea how to fix this way of thinking.

    You can message me if you want to talk about something. I have no idea if I can help, but I can try.

    • @panic
      14•2 years ago

      The clear lack of empathy people can show makes me pull back from thinking my own as pathological. I believe constantly exposing yourself to human tragedy when you’re only an spectator eats away at the reaction you would have had the first time.

      The way I treat this is that human suffering doesn’t exist for me to gawk at. It’s completely selfish for me to watch people living through war and expect to feel what they do. As long as I can recognize suffering I know how I want to react: avoid experiencing it myself and causing it to others.