I’m going to be complaining a bunch in this post, so if you don’t want to hear the moaning of a labor aristocrat who should really not be complaining about his situation, feel free to skip this post.
I don’t feel like a human being. I’m unable to feel empathy. I’m unable to feel any sort of human bond, even with friends and family I’ve known my whole life. I’ve been in therapy and on meds for years but they don’t help. This leads to a life of no joy or meaning. I’m also not moved by the suffering of others when I know I should be. I’ve watched videos of some of the Ukranian war crimes and read a post another user made that went into graphic detail about the Thai sex trade and felt… nothing. As far as I’m concerned, I’m an evil psychopath. But I don’t want to be this way. But I don’t know how to change. Because of this, the only emotions I know are anger and self loathing. I genuinely despise myself.
Because I’m a fucking monster, I lash out at people sometimes and say terrible things. Hell, there was a post a few weeks ago here highlighting some evil unhinged shit that got my lemmy account banned. In fact, if the mods are worried I’m going to say some unhinged shit that’s basically fed bait, I would fully understand if you banned me. I’m not even sure people like me should be allowed near communities.
Because I have, I can’t think of another way to put this, no soul, I barely do anything in life. The only reason I’m able to keep up with my job is that it’s a barely monitored remote code monkey gig. I barely move and don’t monitor what I eat. I spend an unhealthy amount of time on the internet, and often I’ll go days at a time without sleeping. I don’t have the guts to put a bullet in my brain, but I’m basically already doing a slow motion suicide.
I’m posting this here because this community seems to understand what’s going on in the world, is full of compassionate people, and has users who are experienced with dealing with mental illness.
How the fuck do I become a human being? How do I stop being a psychopath?
Such is life, friend. So it goes.
Nobody has a soul anymore. We are a souless nation. We are social animals and can only be alive when properly integrated into a healthy community. You can’t feel empathy, well you live in a society thoroughly stripped of empathy. How could you properly be expected to feel empathy?
You understand your condition rationally and you understand current historical events rationally. It’s difficult to feel empathetic towards events happening far away to people you have no relation to.
You feel the need to lash-out and say dangerous things. That’s the natural response to absolute powerlessness and your miserable state.
If you want your soul back then go and search for it. If you want it back then go and take it.
I’m in Washington State if you’re around and want to talk. Otherwise if you’ve reached your whit’s end leave the country. You said yourself that your unhealthy both physically and emotionally. You’re of no use to anyone while in your current state and will find no place in the world while like it. Work on your physical health. Make it your obsession. Discipline your mind. Focus on very few things. In six months time when you’re physically healthy go on a pilgrimage to the South. Go to Nicaragua or Venezuela. Learn to be human there. You likely won’t learn it here.